02nd July 2018 - Journal

Journal - whatever the date is today 

Ok I’m feeling proper fucked up. Logic and heart are having a major battle.

So... I kinda asked my ‘favourite’ candidate to come and fix my floor in the bathroom. I say favourite.. I mean the person who needed me the most.

I’ve taken a lot from society. Naturally this makes me want to give back. This guy needed me. And I got the most amazing buzz helping him.

He’s clearly got Aspergers. I only realised just as he got a job. He doesn’t do eye contact (and when I was fucking him, if I mentioned anything I needed from the shop, dude was dressed in 10 seconds flat and ready to go shop for me!), and of you talk about DIY shit or anything he’s interested in, he knows everything. This dude is the black version of Sheldon Cooper. The Camden society agreed with The autism diagnosis too. Just saying.

So.. anyways, he’s not good looking in the traditional sense. Not blowing my own trumpet, but I’ve fucked models, premiership footballers, guys who have been on Top of The Pops and television presenters... he wore about 50 million layers,

Plus doorag, hat.. my man could have been fat under all that.

But... he has got that Trevor McDonald thing going on. Like proper black, not mixed race, with proper blue eyes.

Yeah, that’s a head fuck, spent at least a month trying to ascertain if he had contacts.

So he came to Renaisi by week 2 of me being in the role. I found out he was with Johnson the dickhead at Pecan, and he said he wanted to be released to me (not working with the other agency exclusively).

And my man was needy boy! At least one appointment per week. And a lot of hard work. But he was on his own and struggling. And I know how that feels. And I’ve taken from society. So giving back is a better feeling than cocaine, intravenous.

And seeing me, and me helping him, probably saved this dude’s life. Fuck, I even gave him a couple of quid when I heard he had nothing over Xmas.

And it took me back to Lambeth College, when the naughty students would wanna change their ways to impress me. Show the guy how to do something, and he’d do it. 

I also kinda liked the way he demanded a one to one session when he was past one to ones. I still let him have one, even though I got bolloxed for it.

Anyway, he smashed it and got a great job. With my help. This is 10 x better than IV cocaine. 

So fast forward 2 months and I asked the guy to fix my floor.

Turns up early.. me sleeping half naked.. all on a ‘friend’ level.  I say something about getting off to porn.. he says ‘oh wow’... I try to get him to drive me Devon.. guy ignores me.. suddenly I want him.

And bar fucking dickhead who I fucked due to intoxication, every other guy I have done is coz I initially fancied them. Like seen in a pub/club and got with them, before I got to know them.

This is the first guy, that the thought of fucking them never really crossed my mind. Like 8 months past without that thought.

I mean, straight up, the guy’s eyes killed me. Took about a month to realise my man was too broke to be buying contacts. 

And his refusal to look at me. Or fucking take advantage.. I mean.. even when my man got a job and I hugged him, all I got in return was a couple of pats on the back while he stood their feeling uncomfortable.

So he didn’t answer my call Sunday. And Monday I emailed him. And it hit me. I fucking liked the guy. So I admitted it. I even had to ask the guy if he was into girls.

Turns out he was. And of course he wanted to jump me. His words. Not mine.

So the fact he never showed interest in the past 8 months made me want him even more. He’s so fucking damn nice. So queue my hunger for getting the guy in bed.

I had a feeling he was sexually inexperienced. I was right. And boy did that turn me on even more.

So... I managed to fuck up his routine and went over to fuck him. This was after an excretion wait of four days. 

This is when I realised what a boring sex life he had experienced. And this made me wanna blow his mind. I love being a guy’s first experience at shit. He’s clearly not done anal, coz my man’s big down their and when you’re that big you do not ram it like what he did. 

Dude wrapped it every single time as well,

Fuck! No guy has fucking wrapped it unless I’ve asked! 

So Saturday I got to go back for a proper session. And there’s me thinking I’m gonna destroy him. To be honest I just wanted to fulfil this guy’s fantasies and give him the ride of his life.

But he had me all figured out. Telling me, girls like me just wanted to get the nice innocent guy. And girls like me ended up using him and hurting him. And boy did I get flash backs to taking him into the staff room coz he was crying.. and I realised I didn’t wanna hurt this guy. I mean, I could break him.

So, I said that. 

And then... he’s telling me, I should be so lucky.. this was just a treat. I’d want more than he could give right now. And yeah I laughed! I’m the porn star Bitch. It was me, who was gonna blow his mind. Just like I blowed him.

And his innocence  got to me. Avoiding eye contact.. the wide eyed look when I talked about how I loved eating pussy and was fucking a hot blonde.

He made a few comments about monogamy when I mentioned my gal. But he’d been so insistence that I was just getting one day of fun, I just referred to that.

I mentioned the whole ‘being famous for taking drugs’ on the Thursday.. but on the Saturday I mentioned it again. I said to him he knew why I had time off work.. coz I went rehab. And queue and wide eyed look as I pointed out the clear track marks on my arms and abscess marks on my legs.

And then came the ‘you’re not good for me’ speech. Which I knew. The reason I was there.. I’m not meant to be good for people. With guys like that I’m meant to be the wild hot gal who blows their mind. 

And then we end up just lying on his bed chilling. Now my man’s avoided that the whole time. If we weren’t fucking, he found something to do. And again and again he said I’d be fucking pining for him. Only I wasn’t laughing anymore. 

Instead I was just stoking his face telling myself that my mistakes in the past didn’t matter... coz I was a good person. And that was what mattered. And as long as I was a good person, I’d have good people in my life.

Yeah right I’m a dick.

My past does matter.

It doesn’t matter how fucking nice I am now.

If my family are gonna drop me, and not only that, chose to abuse me when I need them... I’m a fucking piece of shit.

He’s a prick. I’m pissed with him. I have no fucking problem with being treated like a fucking piece of meat to fuck.. but why the fuck be nice to me if that’s what you want?!?!

So... don’t be surprised when I fucking die of a spectacular over dose when I get my £20,000. Coz it’s clear, no matter how much I fight to be a nice person and undo the mistakes I’ve made, I’m a piece of shit.

Fuck me and drop me.. I mean I’m a piece of shit, so it’s not like you’d want anything more, but I’m hot yeah, so you may as well get a piece eh? 

I mean I’m in the category of ‘bitch who needs to be raped’

Well fuck you all. I bust my balls for 6 months to help someone; but my

Congruency makes them run a mile. I don’t wanna settle down with a fucking junkie and that’s the only type of partner I’m gonna get.

Now life plan is 

Move

Injunction 

Over dose with a needle in my arm.

Fuck the world. Human’s are cunts and I hate them.