Journal 04/07/18
Ok... where do I begin.
So, to be blunt, I’ve been a complete utter bitch. Kinda asked one of my candidates from my last job to come and help fix the bathroom floor.. and boy I don’t know what came over me. I must of had a surge of testosterone, coz within a week I was being some savage bitch in his bed.
Which really isn’t me for starters. Wanting sex with a guy, or using them.
I didn’t intend to upset him, but obviously I did.
And when I realised, shit I did not feel good. The only thing I can say it comes close to, is a nasty cocaine come down. That horrible feeling of guilt that knors away at the pit of your stomach and stops you from sleeping.
And.. what makes it worse, is that I knew he was a fucking decent guy. So fucking decent and respectful. In hindsite the guy has probably liked me more than what you should like your Employment Advisor, for a long time and never once has he flirted, acted inappropriately or even taken advantage of the fact he got a job and I was jumping up and hugging him.
And besides, I am always professional at work.. mainly because it makes it damn uncomfortable otherwise. So the guy probably thought he didn’t stand chance. And, he’s incredibly shy. Like he probably has undiagnosed Aspergers (the autism where you’re smart), because he doesn’t really do eye contact and he’s not super chatty.
So, I didn’t even have to ask, to know he would be a lot less experienced than me in the bedroom department. I won’t lie, that turned me on.
Didn’t take long for me to realise what I had done. In all fairness, you don’t expect a guy to be all sensitive and shit with regards to sex... but.... how did I feel when I was all inexperienced and a hot guy came on to me? I know how I felt. And how did I feel when the guy made it apparent he was only using me.. like shit.
And, last night, I suddenly got my empathy back and realised how this guy must be feeling.
He’s probably (don’t know why I used probably... definitely) found me attractive since day dot (October last year). He clearly struggles in social situations, but we built up a really good relationship, which lent more towards a friendship than EA / candidate. I helped the dude in his worst times, picked the dude up when I didn’t actually have to do as much as I did and carried on being there and supporting him until he found a job ... (and then spent a load more time dealing with everything HR for him!!!)
So yeah, he found me hot, I helped him when there was no one else.. I ask him to help me in my house.. then I flip and turn into some crazy bitch.
Completely shattering the friendship that took so long to build.
And although the devil is still whispering in my ear (he’s acting like a bitch) the angel’s voice is louder for once.
So.. I picked an email I hadn’t used before (yeah he blocked my ass, but I would too), and wrote a proper genuine apology.
Anyway, during this whole saga I didn’t get any calls or texts from him.
He claimed my phone was off. well, turns out his number was blocked on my phone. Hmmm... racist fucking cunts hack my phone, and some black guy who I made it incredibly clear he was gonna own my pussy’s number gets blocked.
To be honest, knowing that my abusers would be squirming in their sick little seats knowing a next black guy would be fucking me, was definitely a huge factor in my behaviour. Shame this one treats me really nice and respectful.. regardless he still battered my pussy!! Enjoying that Mr a Donald Trump??? I bet you are.
So... whilst the desire to fuck him like mad is still very present, I’ll go back to being nice Jem with this guy. There’s a couple of other (black guys with massive dicks.. perverts!) I can just use to get my pussy seen to.
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