❤️ 30th September 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Dear All,

I have been seriously considering the option of detox. I have already started yesterday. I didn't have a drink until 8pm and no benzos until 10pm.

I would like to speak to someone from the detox to establish the length of time I would be required to stay, bearing in mind the huge reduction I am currently undertaking (35mg of diazepam, no drink until 8pm, no benzo until 10pm).

If the amount of time is reasonable I will see if I can start my new job later.

So, I don't know if I can speak to anyone on the phone regarding this

Kind regards 

Jay 

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 01st October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Pysche

Hi

Is there a team of people who can come round and help me sort my life out.

I think I'm just gonna home detox as after certain circumstances I have no one to look after my cat.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess, and I don't know what to do.

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 01st October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Morning,

I think I'm fine to detox at home. So I'm going  to try that. 

I only get anxiety and a little shaky. I've cut down over weekend and cut down benzos too.

I won't drink tomorrow and see how I feel.

Kind regards

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 04th October 2017 - Email From Social Worker

To whom it may concern:

Re:         

Jay 

DOB: 16/06/1091

I was working with Jay last year in order to help her access residential rehab. 

She managed to complete the programme and did very well as she managed to secure employment when she finished treatment. 

Unfortunately, Jay relapsed shortly after starting employment and was asked to leave the job in order to access further support, which she has done.  

Jay  has fallen behind on her bills and has asked for me to let you know her situation as she is keen to repay the amounts owed. 

Please contact me if you require any other information. 

Many thanks 

LiF

❤️ 11th October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Hi J

But when can I go in? What is the waiting list currently standing at (weeks). 

Whilst I’m super happy 9-5 now, my mental health is still very poor when I return to that house. I still get very negative thoughts and I wish my life would end. 

It’s really hard, going from so happy to so sad. It’s exhausting. I’m still fighting against undertaking actions that will have severe negative consequences... but only when I’m in this house.

I definitely need a benzo detox, and unless I manage to get down to 2mg of subbie, a subbie Detox. 

And whilst I may no longer have a serious physical addiction to alcohol (where I need to drink daily due to anxiety etc.), I’m still drinking way too much every other night.

I am also needing a high dose of buprenorphine. Between 8-12mg. I’m finding it hard to reduce. The problem is I can only purchase 8mg tablets and breaking them in to equal 2mgs is very hard. I want to be stabilised on at most 2mg.

I could do with starting a script. I’ll either be going home via Morden or Tooting. Can I get a script in either of the Boots chemists in those areas (I’m trying out going home via Morden tomorrow and then I’ll decide which route is better).

Have my blood test results come back yet? 

I’ve got to see my ADHD doctor tomorrow.... you know I’ll pop in first. I’m not going to give you a time though so you can’t ensure you’re busy when I come 😀

Old - Hope J told you get well soon when you were off sick from me! Hope you’re better. When you’re sick, do you go to a doctor?? Or do doctors treat themselves? It must be like me going to an employment advisor when I was looking for work, as that’s what I do. It was weird as they couldn’t tell me nothing I didn’t already know. Does your doctor know your a doctor? Or are you like a mystery shopper secretly knowing when they make a mistake? Can you write you own scripts or is that illegal?... I know many doctors do... and then write anonymous articles for the telegraph or guardian about how they’re addicted to opiates...... maybe I should have worked hard at school and become a doctor.. I could prescribe a plethora of substances to myself and save a lot of money! 

J -  R*** isn’t in and I’m really depressed at home... it’s not good. Her out of office said email T but I’m too embarrassed... as last time we spoke it was work related.. I’ve already noticed a couple of people give me a second look, clearly recognising me from when I was doing good.

See you all tomorrow for my special unscheduled appointment!! That you’ll definitely all be free for 😀

Thanks for all your help and putting up with me!!

Your favourite, most troublesome, erratic, clients who has to be in the top 10 for number of red zones, which embarrassingly enough I’m actually proud of. 

Jay x x 

(Sorry I’ve had a super good day at work! Have done really well, so am one one of my slightly happy/manic moods! I’m back at this stupid house now so I’m sure I’ll be eyeing up the knife draw shortly! That’s a joke, I’d never slice my wrists!)

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 11 Oct 2017, at 12:58 pm, JL

wrote

 Hi

How could we forget you.

Enlighten  the provisional plan is for detox later this year when you are able to take time off work, and you're working with R presently. 

Best wishes

J

From Jay 

Sent: 11 October 2017 12:53

To: J

Cc;  OB

Subject: Detox

Hi J

Any update. I’m ok with alcohol, but still drink every other day. I tend to get bad anxiety which leads to it.

still have a high benzo addiction and buprenorphine.

I have a company away day on the 19th November and cannot be absent for that date.

And Dr. P, happy to be phone free during detox. My phone really stressed me during my alcohol detox! Not good.

 Please don’t forget about me

Kind regards

Jay

Sent  from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 15th October 2017 - Email To Mg Drug’s Psyche

Hi

Can I get a supervised script please at Boots in Morden

How long is the wait list for detox

Can you confirm I’ve tested positive the hep C antibodies 

Thanks 

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 16th October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Hi Jay.

Trying to call. Please answer.

Best wishes
J

-----Original Message-----
From: Jay

Sent: 16 October 2017 08:41

To: ON; JL

Subject: Advice Needed

Morning

What shall I do if I run out of benzodiazepines? I’ve ordered more but obviously there’s the danger of this being taken whilst I am at work.

I’m taking quite s lot still. Between 40mg - 8mg of diazepam. I know the tablets I take are possibly not as strong as prescription tablets.

Also, I’m unable to buy buprenorphine anymore. I really need a script. Again my tolerance is very high. I’ve been taking up to 12mg a day, but try to take less.

I’m panicking a little.

J - I would really appreciate a phone call.

Please get back to me. Slowly my life is falling back into place. It’s just these stupid addictions I’ve got to sort out now and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety.

Hopefully I’ll hear from you today.

Kind regards

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 17th October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Hi Jay 

you work now and you can afford to pay private rent so get out of the house you don't want, it's simpler than what you think if that is what you want.

I am happy for you that you like your job, that's a very positive move for you, with regard to your detox or blood results you will have to contact John L as I do not have access to medical records.

Warm regards, 

R***

From: Jay

Sent: 12 October 2017 17:59

To: RB

Subject: Are you back??!

R*** I can’t cope in this stupid house. It’s driving me mad. 

I’m now flipping between being the happy, hyper, well liked, confident, funny person I used to be all the time.. when I am at work (which I love by the way), to being suicidal and being permanently intoxicated whilst in that house!

I have so much to do I am really struggling as I feel I’m constantly judged in that house. Which gives me chronic anxiety as I need to be perfect.... even more so when im being watched.

I end up using just to ease my anxiety.

Outside the hours of 7am  •- 6pm i still have major concerns about my mental stability.

I end up taking stupid risks as I’m not sober.

But work is great and I’m doing really well. Just wish I didn’t have to

Come home.

Are you working late any time??

No one has got back to me about detox or my blood results. If I have hep c I think I’ll refuse treatment as I want to die.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 20th October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Ok, I waited until after 5pm so you don’t have to deal with any more of me today... but me cutting down to 40mg of diazepam from

120mg isn’t that great...

So I’ve got proper prescription ambien /

Zolpidem off the Internet.

I’ve checked the packs / number or missing tablets ....

I was drinking last night....

Turns out I took 120mg of zolpidem. The suggested dose is 5-10mgs.

I thought it was 20mgs, as each pack has Monday x 2 - through to Sunday x 2.

Thought you were meant to take two. But you’re not. It should be one.

I’m not cc-ing Dr. P into this! You can ruin her Friday by passing this message over.

This is why I couldn’t find my meds this morning. I’ve also eaten a lot of food... well I must have, as it’s no longer in my fridge.

And I’ve found things in places I don’t remember putting them in.

No wonder I struggled to wake up. I’ve taken 12-24 Times the amount I should have taken. And these aren’t dodgy ones from India, they came in the box with the info leaflet and everything.

Zolpidem Tartrate - Bristol Laboratories 

There’s been more discoveries,

Only God knows what went into my arms last night... going by the evidence I’ve now found.

And my weight is 53.9kg. If you put it as 56kg you’re gonna make me paranoid and I’ll start losing more weight. I am undiagnosed, but I do have problems with eating. (Detox allowed me extra food as they agreed I was EDNOS). Ask R***.  She’ll confirm.

Anyway at least I’m honest.

Regards 

Red Zone Jay 😞

Right now, I don’t wanna do living anymore.

Sent from Jay’s  iPhone

❤️ 20th October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

if you can find a quieter place I call you again

From: Jay

Sent: 20 October 2017 17:33

To: RB 

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Don’t worry now. My phone is broken and i need to be somewhere quiet to take the call.

I’m in Brixton high street now.  

And to be honest, I’m rather angry/upset.

So I’ll just do what I normally do, get wasted and suppress the the voice which is constantly on at me to do something stupid snd do it properly this time.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 20 Oct 2017, at 5:25 pm, RB wrote:

HI Jay, 

I will call you in 15 minutes again, by then you will have left your office so it may be easier to talk.

WR

R

From: Jay

Sent: 20 October 2017 17:09

To: RB

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Hi R***

I took half an hour for lunch today, expecting your phone call.

I’m guessing you are busy?

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

Sure.

Thanks Rosa. 

Who does your twitter account? Just thanked dr.

P (kept it Dr. P so only you guys know about who I’m

On about) for fighting for my ADHD treatment.

I’m gonna email her it anyway. She’s Dr. B now and hardly anyone knows who I’m going on about when I say Dr. P So only she’ll

Know x x 

On 18 Oct 2017, at 5:38 pm RB wrote

Great! speak to you on Friday. Same number? 

R***

From: Jay Sent: 18 October 2017 14:12

To: RE

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Hi R***

Please pencil me in for 4.30pm on Friday

I’m just waiting for my manager to confirm

I can take a 30 min break and therefore be available for the call, but I can’t see why they’d refuse.

I’m around tomorrow at 11am. If you’re about it would be nice to say hello. I won’t take too much of your time. Just a couple

Of mins.

If Friday is declined I’ll confirm ASAP.

Jay

MANAGER HAS CONFIRMED SPEAK

TO YOU FRIDAY

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 18 Oct 2017, at 11:36 am, RB wrote:

Dear Jay,

I am happy to have a session on the phone with you, however we need to plan this ahead.

So I would suggest you give me a precise date and time and I will book it. Unfortunately neither today or tomorrow is possible ( I do not work Thursday and I am booked already for lunch time, my last appointment is at 4 p....m. today and already booked) .  I could do Friday at 4.30 p.m. if this is good for you, let me know asap. 

Warm regards, 

R***

From: Jay

Sent: 18 October 2017 11:02

To: RB 

Subject: When can we talk?

Can we schedule a phone call around lunch time? Or evening?

I desperately need some support.

I’m seeing J / Dr. P tomorrow at 11am. Even a brief chat after that

Let me know

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone