❤️ 17th October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Hi Jay 

you work now and you can afford to pay private rent so get out of the house you don't want, it's simpler than what you think if that is what you want.

I am happy for you that you like your job, that's a very positive move for you, with regard to your detox or blood results you will have to contact John L as I do not have access to medical records.

Warm regards, 

R***

From: Jay

Sent: 12 October 2017 17:59

To: RB

Subject: Are you back??!

R*** I can’t cope in this stupid house. It’s driving me mad. 

I’m now flipping between being the happy, hyper, well liked, confident, funny person I used to be all the time.. when I am at work (which I love by the way), to being suicidal and being permanently intoxicated whilst in that house!

I have so much to do I am really struggling as I feel I’m constantly judged in that house. Which gives me chronic anxiety as I need to be perfect.... even more so when im being watched.

I end up using just to ease my anxiety.

Outside the hours of 7am  •- 6pm i still have major concerns about my mental stability.

I end up taking stupid risks as I’m not sober.

But work is great and I’m doing really well. Just wish I didn’t have to

Come home.

Are you working late any time??

No one has got back to me about detox or my blood results. If I have hep c I think I’ll refuse treatment as I want to die.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 20th October 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

Ok, I waited until after 5pm so you don’t have to deal with any more of me today... but me cutting down to 40mg of diazepam from

120mg isn’t that great...

So I’ve got proper prescription ambien /

Zolpidem off the Internet.

I’ve checked the packs / number or missing tablets ....

I was drinking last night....

Turns out I took 120mg of zolpidem. The suggested dose is 5-10mgs.

I thought it was 20mgs, as each pack has Monday x 2 - through to Sunday x 2.

Thought you were meant to take two. But you’re not. It should be one.

I’m not cc-ing Dr. P into this! You can ruin her Friday by passing this message over.

This is why I couldn’t find my meds this morning. I’ve also eaten a lot of food... well I must have, as it’s no longer in my fridge.

And I’ve found things in places I don’t remember putting them in.

No wonder I struggled to wake up. I’ve taken 12-24 Times the amount I should have taken. And these aren’t dodgy ones from India, they came in the box with the info leaflet and everything.

Zolpidem Tartrate - Bristol Laboratories 

There’s been more discoveries,

Only God knows what went into my arms last night... going by the evidence I’ve now found.

And my weight is 53.9kg. If you put it as 56kg you’re gonna make me paranoid and I’ll start losing more weight. I am undiagnosed, but I do have problems with eating. (Detox allowed me extra food as they agreed I was EDNOS). Ask R***.  She’ll confirm.

Anyway at least I’m honest.

Regards 

Red Zone Jay 😞

Right now, I don’t wanna do living anymore.

Sent from Jay’s  iPhone

❤️ 20th October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

if you can find a quieter place I call you again

From: Jay

Sent: 20 October 2017 17:33

To: RB 

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Don’t worry now. My phone is broken and i need to be somewhere quiet to take the call.

I’m in Brixton high street now.  

And to be honest, I’m rather angry/upset.

So I’ll just do what I normally do, get wasted and suppress the the voice which is constantly on at me to do something stupid snd do it properly this time.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 20 Oct 2017, at 5:25 pm, RB wrote:

HI Jay, 

I will call you in 15 minutes again, by then you will have left your office so it may be easier to talk.

WR

R

From: Jay

Sent: 20 October 2017 17:09

To: RB

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Hi R***

I took half an hour for lunch today, expecting your phone call.

I’m guessing you are busy?

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

Sure.

Thanks Rosa. 

Who does your twitter account? Just thanked dr.

P (kept it Dr. P so only you guys know about who I’m

On about) for fighting for my ADHD treatment.

I’m gonna email her it anyway. She’s Dr. B now and hardly anyone knows who I’m going on about when I say Dr. P So only she’ll

Know x x 

On 18 Oct 2017, at 5:38 pm RB wrote

Great! speak to you on Friday. Same number? 

R***

From: Jay Sent: 18 October 2017 14:12

To: RE

Subject: Re: When can we talk?

Hi R***

Please pencil me in for 4.30pm on Friday

I’m just waiting for my manager to confirm

I can take a 30 min break and therefore be available for the call, but I can’t see why they’d refuse.

I’m around tomorrow at 11am. If you’re about it would be nice to say hello. I won’t take too much of your time. Just a couple

Of mins.

If Friday is declined I’ll confirm ASAP.

Jay

MANAGER HAS CONFIRMED SPEAK

TO YOU FRIDAY

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 18 Oct 2017, at 11:36 am, RB wrote:

Dear Jay,

I am happy to have a session on the phone with you, however we need to plan this ahead.

So I would suggest you give me a precise date and time and I will book it. Unfortunately neither today or tomorrow is possible ( I do not work Thursday and I am booked already for lunch time, my last appointment is at 4 p....m. today and already booked) .  I could do Friday at 4.30 p.m. if this is good for you, let me know asap. 

Warm regards, 

R***

From: Jay

Sent: 18 October 2017 11:02

To: RB 

Subject: When can we talk?

Can we schedule a phone call around lunch time? Or evening?

I desperately need some support.

I’m seeing J / Dr. P tomorrow at 11am. Even a brief chat after that

Let me know

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 22nd October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Ignore!

Found in my drafts sent in error

Todaya updates in black.

Counsellor letting me down.

Northern line meaning I miss my script and two days TTO means I’m

A

Re-start.

No more al till Jan. fuck restart, fuck rehab. I give up.

Binging ALL weeken. Check time this was received!!!!!!

Hate life.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jay

Date: 22 October 2017 at 6:15:59 am BST

To: RB

Subject: Re: I popped in.....

Hey, you sound so formal.... your colloquial language has vanished. Doesn't feel like

I'm talking to you. 

I just think it's hard if financially you're 'stuck in the middle'. I'm too well off to claim more benefits and have the time I need to recover. Yet I'm not rich enough to be able to afford to have the time off to recover.

Most my friends on benefits at Rehab are doing much better. 

I feel ok now.. I always have found that I'm lively until 3pm... then I crash until around 8pm.. then I'm lively again.

At the moment I'm ok when I wake up... then by midday the crippling anxiety starts. Then by 3pm I'm totally depressed, sleepy, lack energy and motivation, then once 8pm hits I feel like 'me' again until I force myself to sleep.

I've already planned how to do it. Please note I said plan not intend. But overdosing on dodgy internet bought medication clearly isn't the way.  - UPDATE IT ARRIVE I HAVE A PLAN I AM CERTAIN OF NOW

IUSE KETAMINE REG BEFORE LOWEROPIATE TOLERANCE 

GET VERY VERY DRINK

CRACK SMOKED £40;.  ‘COCAINE (G £100)  HEROIN IV ATLEAST 2GS

FOR ME. DEPENDS ON OFFERS

KEEP DRINKING MAYVE OK CAN B IV IN A PUB

ALARGE DOSE BENZOS 50 x 10 diazepam 

A LARGE DOES OF ZOPIS OR ZALPELDOM X 25 each

Once all that kicks in 2mmc fentanyl. One pin. Flag.

Push nice and slow. BLAM!!

Doing less than a 1/4 of that fucked me

know if i should even be disclosing this, but I'm fed up of hearing the same comments of 'don't do it.' from the few people I can disclose to. Their comments neither change  y thinking, nor provide any constructive comments on a solution. 

I'm seriously considering escorting... well the part of me that wants to live is.

The only thing keeping me here is my cat. You don't know anyone who could put up with the cat version of me do you?

I'm so sorry to bother you and please don't feel obliged to reply or anything. It's just nice to vent. Guess I could email that Jo @ Samaritans.. but then I have the hassle of explaining my whole life story again, which in itself is complicated and unbelievable.

It's not that I wasn't committed to aftercare, I just didn't feel the service provided was suitable for me. Maybe Merton, Sutton and surrounding boroughs could pool resources and set up different type of aftercare. I felt so out of place surrounded by people who were at least 10, if not 20 years older than me, recovering from alcohol. 

I think that's why I enjoyed rehab... there was other needle junkies, opiate addicts and speed freak like me. I wasn't the 'worst' person there.

Anyway I'm waffling now.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 26 Sep 2017, at 6:49 pm, RB

wrote:

Hi Jay

I understand this is a difficult time and relapsing on drugs and alcohol difficult to face again...  when you  finished rehab the main concern was to get a  full time job to ( understandably )  pay for the  mortgage of your house. Consequently, there was very little commitment on your part to aftercare but  I am afraid the maintenance of recovery is a longer process and you can only learn from your mistakes.  I do hope you  manage to forgive yourself and move forward again. 

Remember Jay that the present is never as bad as it 'feels' , although what you feel is very real but there are always  ways to resolve problems.  If I am getting this totally wrong please go to A&E or call an ambulance. You can also call the Crisis Line as they open at out of office hours on 0800 028 8000.  

The Samaritans are also a very good support 116 123, it's free. 

I am going to be back at the office tomorrow but maybe with less time than today to contact you but I will try to write to you.

Warmest regards, 

R

From: Jay

Sent: 26 September 2017 14:51

To: RB

Subject: Re: I popped in.....

Sorry R, I just desperately needed to talk to someone.

I know N isn't the best influence, but since losing my job he's the only person their for me financially.

I wish once I had completed rehab the support I had from MDART and MACs didn't just vanish. I know you do have a stage2 provision, but a twice a month chat with you on the phone would have been really beneficial

Anyway life is bad and i really don't know how much more I can take. I'm really trying... I just keep getting knocked back. 

Once of my friends from rehab relapsed and died of a fatal heart attack after smoking crack. I'm so jealous. I wish it was me. She had kids to live for. I have nothing.

Sorry, don't feel obligated to reply (although it would be nice and gratefully received).

I just feel so lost, hopeless and I'm close to giving up. 

Thanks R. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for taking up your time if you've read this far.

X

Forgetting you have a weekly meeting on Monday at 3pm. 

I'm seeing J on Wednesday, but that's quite a long wait. 

Could really do with speaking to someone, but N will be back with me soon and he won't let me out of his sight (literally, he'll even follow me to the toilet...  and his paranoia is one of the things I need to talk about).

When I popped in a couple of weeks ago, that girl with the long blonde hair from MACs (about my age or younger) offered to speak to me, so if you're too busy I'll talk to her. Or Dr. P or J.

Anyway, email me if you can speak to me with a direct line number and if I can talk I'll call you.

I don't want to talk to anyone else, as I don't want to explain my whole history.

Hopefully hear from you soon.

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 23rd October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Hi J

At what time you finish work? 
R***

From: Jay
Sent: 22 October 2017 06:15:59
To: RB
Subject: Re: I popped in.....

 

Hey, you sound so formal.... your colloquial language has vanished. Doesn't feel like

I'm talking to you. 

I just think it's hard if financially you're 'stuck in the middle'. I'm too well off to claim more benefits and have the time I need to recover. Yet I'm not rich enough to be able to afford to have the time off to recover.

Most my friends on benefits at Rehab are doing much better. 

I feel ok now.. I always have found that I'm lively until 3pm... then I crash until around 8pm.. then I'm lively again.

At the moment I'm ok when I wake up... then by midday the crippling anxiety starts. Then by 3pm I'm totally depressed, sleepy, lack energy and motivation, then once 8pm hits I feel like 'me' again until I force myself to sleep.

I've already planned how to do it. Please note I said plan not intend. But overdosing on dodgy internet bought medication clearly isn't the way. 

Don't know if i should even be disclosing this, but I'm fed up of hearing the same comments of 'don't do it.' from the few people I can disclose to. Their comments neither change my thinking, nor provide any constructive comments on a solution. 

I'm seriously considering escorting... well the part of me that wants to live is.

The only thing keeping me here is my cat. You don't know anyone who could put up with the cat version of me do you?

I'm so sorry to bother you and please don't feel obliged to reply or anything. It's just nice to vent. Guess I could email that Jo @ Samaritans.. but then I have the hassle of explaining my whole life story again, which in itself is complicated and unbelievable.

It's not that I wasn't committed to aftercare, I just didn't feel the service provided was suitable for me. Maybe Merton, Sutton and surrounding boroughs could pool resources and set up different type of aftercare. I felt so out of place surrounded by people who were at least 10, if not 20 years older than me, recovering from alcohol. 

I think that's why I enjoyed rehab... there was other needle junkies, opiate addicts and speed freak like me. I wasn't the 'worst' person there.

Anyway I'm waffling now.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 26 Sep 2017, at 6:49 pm, RB wrote:

Hi Jay,

I understand this is a difficult time and relapsing on drugs and alcohol difficult to face again...  when you  finished rehab the main concern was to get a  full time job to ( understandably )  pay for the  mortgage of your house. Consequently, there was very little commitment on your part to aftercare but  I am afraid the maintenance of recovery is a longer process and you can only learn from your mistakes.  I do hope you  manage to forgive yourself and move forward again. 

Remember Jay that the present is never as bad as it 'feels' , although what you feel is very real but there are always  ways to resolve problems.  If I am getting this totally wrong please go to A&E or call an ambulance. You can also call the Crisis Line as they open at out of office hours on 0800 028 8000. 

The Samaritans are also a very good support 116 123, it's free. 

I am going to be back at the office tomorrow but maybe with less time than today to contact you but I will try to write to you

Warmest regards, 

R*** x

From: Jay

Sent: 26 September 2017 14:51

To: RB

Subject: Re: I popped in.....

Sorry R***, I just desperately needed to talk to someone.  

I know N isn't the best influence, but since losing my job he's the only person their for me financially.

I wish once I had completed rehab the support I had from MDART and MACs didn't just vanish. I know you do have a stage2 provision, but a twice a month chat with you on the phone would have been really beneficial.

Anyway life is bad and i really don't know how much more I can take. I'm really trying... I just keep getting knocked back. 

Once of my friends from rehab relapsed and died of a fatal heart attack after smoking crack. I'm so jealous. I wish it was me. She had kids to live for. I have nothing.

Sorry, don't feel obligated to reply (although it would be nice and gratefully received).

I just feel so lost, hopeless and I'm close to giving up. 

Thanks Rosa. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for taking up your time if you've read this far.

X