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Saturday, 5 May 2018

❤️ 22nd October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Ignore!

Found in my drafts sent in error

Todaya updates in black.

Counsellor letting me down.

Northern line meaning I miss my script and two days TTO means I’m
A
Re-start.

No more al till Jan. fuck restart, fuck rehab. I give up.

Binging ALL weeken. Check time this was received!!!!!!

Hate life.





Sent from Jay’s iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jay

Date: 22 October 2017 at 6:15:59 am BST
To: RB
Subject: Re: I popped in.....

Hey, you sound so formal.... your colloquial language has vanished. Doesn't feel like
I'm talking to you. 

I just think it's hard if financially you're 'stuck in the middle'. I'm too well off to claim more benefits and have the time I need to recover. Yet I'm not rich enough to be able to afford to have the time off to recover.

Most my friends on benefits at Rehab are doing much better. 

I feel ok now.. I always have found that I'm lively until 3pm... then I crash until around 8pm.. then I'm lively again.

At the moment I'm ok when I wake up... then by midday the crippling anxiety starts. Then by 3pm I'm totally depressed, sleepy, lack energy and motivation, then once 8pm hits I feel like 'me' again until I force myself to sleep.

I've already planned how to do it. Please note I said plan not intend. But overdosing on dodgy internet bought medication clearly isn't the way.  - UPDATE IT ARRIVE I HAVE A PLAN I AM CERTAIN OF NOW
IUSE KETAMINE REG BEFORE LOWEROPIATE TOLERANCE 
GET VERY VERY DRINK
CRACK SMOKED £40;.  ‘COCAINE (G £100)  HEROIN IV ATLEAST 2GS
FOR ME. DEPENDS ON OFFERS
KEEP DRINKING MAYVE OK CAN B IV IN A PUB
ALARGE DOSE BENZOS 50 x 10 diazepam 
A LARGE DOES OF ZOPIS OR ZALPELDOM X 25 each
Once all that kicks in 2mmc fentanyl. One pin. Flag.
Push nice and slow. BLAM!!

Doing less than a 1/4 of that fucked me

know if i should even be disclosing this, but I'm fed up of hearing the same comments of 'don't do it.' from the few people I can disclose to. Their comments neither change  y thinking, nor provide any constructive comments on a solution. 

I'm seriously considering escorting... well the part of me that wants to live is.

The only thing keeping me here is my cat. You don't know anyone who could put up with the cat version of me do you?

I'm so sorry to bother you and please don't feel obliged to reply or anything. It's just nice to vent. Guess I could email that Jo @ Samaritans.. but then I have the hassle of explaining my whole life story again, which in itself is complicated and unbelievable.

It's not that I wasn't committed to aftercare, I just didn't feel the service provided was suitable for me. Maybe Merton, Sutton and surrounding boroughs could pool resources and set up different type of aftercare. I felt so out of place surrounded by people who were at least 10, if not 20 years older than me, recovering from alcohol. 

I think that's why I enjoyed rehab... there was other needle junkies, opiate addicts and speed freak like me. I wasn't the 'worst' person there.

Anyway I'm waffling now.

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 26 Sep 2017, at 6:49 pm, RB
wrote:

Hi Jay

I understand this is a difficult time and relapsing on drugs and alcohol difficult to face again...  when you  finished rehab the main concern was to get a  full time job to ( understandably )  pay for the  mortgage of your house. Consequently, there was very little commitment on your part to aftercare but  I am afraid the maintenance of recovery is a longer process and you can only learn from your mistakes.  I do hope you  manage to forgive yourself and move forward again. 


Remember Jay that the present is never as bad as it 'feels' , although what you feel is very real but there are always  ways to resolve problems.  If I am getting this totally wrong please go to A&E or call an ambulance. You can also call the Crisis Line as they open at out of office hours on 0800 028 8000.  

The Samaritans are also a very good support 116 123, it's free. 


I am going to be back at the office tomorrow but maybe with less time than today to contact you but I will try to write to you.


Warmest regards, 

R

From: Jay

Sent: 26 September 2017 14:51

To: RB

Subject: Re: I popped in.....


Sorry R, I just desperately needed to talk to someone.


I know N isn't the best influence, but since losing my job he's the only person their for me financially.


I wish once I had completed rehab the support I had from MDART and MACs didn't just vanish. I know you do have a stage2 provision, but a twice a month chat with you on the phone would have been really beneficial

Anyway life is bad and i really don't know how much more I can take. I'm really trying... I just keep getting knocked back. 


Once of my friends from rehab relapsed and died of a fatal heart attack after smoking crack. I'm so jealous. I wish it was me. She had kids to live for. I have nothing.


Sorry, don't feel obligated to reply (although it would be nice and gratefully received).

I just feel so lost, hopeless and I'm close to giving up. 

Thanks R. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for taking up your time if you've read this far.

X


Forgetting you have a weekly meeting on Monday at 3pm. 


I'm seeing J on Wednesday, but that's quite a long wait. 

Could really do with speaking to someone, but N will be back with me soon and he won't let me out of his sight (literally, he'll even follow me to the toilet...  and his paranoia is one of the things I need to talk about).

When I popped in a couple of weeks ago, that girl with the long blonde hair from MACs (about my age or younger) offered to speak to me, so if you're too busy I'll talk to her. Or Dr. P or J.

Anyway, email me if you can speak to me with a direct line number and if I can talk I'll call you.

I don't want to talk to anyone else, as I don't want to explain my whole history.

Hopefully hear from you soon.

Jay

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ 23rd October 2017 - Email To R*** My Counsellor

Hi J

At what time you finish work? 
R***

From: Jay
Sent: 22 October 2017 06:15:59
To: RB
Subject: Re: I popped in.....
 
Hey, you sound so formal.... your colloquial language has vanished. Doesn't feel like
I'm talking to you. 

I just think it's hard if financially you're 'stuck in the middle'. I'm too well off to claim more benefits and have the time I need to recover. Yet I'm not rich enough to be able to afford to have the time off to recover.

Most my friends on benefits at Rehab are doing much better. 

I feel ok now.. I always have found that I'm lively until 3pm... then I crash until around 8pm.. then I'm lively again.

At the moment I'm ok when I wake up... then by midday the crippling anxiety starts. Then by 3pm I'm totally depressed, sleepy, lack energy and motivation, then once 8pm hits I feel like 'me' again until I force myself to sleep.

I've already planned how to do it. Please note I said plan not intend. But overdosing on dodgy internet bought medication clearly isn't the way. 

Don't know if i should even be disclosing this, but I'm fed up of hearing the same comments of 'don't do it.' from the few people I can disclose to. Their comments neither change my thinking, nor provide any constructive comments on a solution. 

I'm seriously considering escorting... well the part of me that wants to live is.

The only thing keeping me here is my cat. You don't know anyone who could put up with the cat version of me do you?

I'm so sorry to bother you and please don't feel obliged to reply or anything. It's just nice to vent. Guess I could email that Jo @ Samaritans.. but then I have the hassle of explaining my whole life story again, which in itself is complicated and unbelievable.

It's not that I wasn't committed to aftercare, I just didn't feel the service provided was suitable for me. Maybe Merton, Sutton and surrounding boroughs could pool resources and set up different type of aftercare. I felt so out of place surrounded by people who were at least 10, if not 20 years older than me, recovering from alcohol. 

I think that's why I enjoyed rehab... there was other needle junkies, opiate addicts and speed freak like me. I wasn't the 'worst' person there.

Anyway I'm waffling now.


Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 26 Sep 2017, at 6:49 pm, RB wrote:

Hi Jay,

I understand this is a difficult time and relapsing on drugs and alcohol difficult to face again...  when you  finished rehab the main concern was to get a  full time job to ( understandably )  pay for the  mortgage of your house. Consequently, there was very little commitment on your part to aftercare but  I am afraid the maintenance of recovery is a longer process and you can only learn from your mistakes.  I do hope you  manage to forgive yourself and move forward again. 

Remember Jay that the present is never as bad as it 'feels' , although what you feel is very real but there are always  ways to resolve problems.  If I am getting this totally wrong please go to A&E or call an ambulance. You can also call the Crisis Line as they open at out of office hours on 0800 028 8000

The Samaritans are also a very good support 116 123, it's free. 

I am going to be back at the office tomorrow but maybe with less time than today to contact you but I will try to write to you

Warmest regards, 

R*** x

From: Jay
Sent: 26 September 2017 14:51
To: RB
Subject: Re: I popped in.....

Sorry R***, I just desperately needed to talk to someone.  

I know N isn't the best influence, but since losing my job he's the only person their for me financially.

I wish once I had completed rehab the support I had from MDART and MACs didn't just vanish. I know you do have a stage2 provision, but a twice a month chat with you on the phone would have been really beneficial.

Anyway life is bad and i really don't know how much more I can take. I'm really trying... I just keep getting knocked back. 

Once of my friends from rehab relapsed and died of a fatal heart attack after smoking crack. I'm so jealous. I wish it was me. She had kids to live for. I have nothing.

Sorry, don't feel obligated to reply (although it would be nice and gratefully received).

I just feel so lost, hopeless and I'm close to giving up. 

Thanks Rosa. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for taking up your time if you've read this far.

X

❤️ 26th October 2017 - Email To My Social Worker

I’m probably gonna get a telling off but as I’m doing so well don’t think I’ll get P45

I’m supposed to get 2.5 registrations a week. Had 10.5 / 14 Days in office on project and I’ve have 10 registrations  already 



Sent from Jay’s iPhone
On 26 Oct 2017, at 12:19 pm, LF wrote:
Hi J, 
If you require support from mental health services then Merton Dart can refer you to Sutton CMHT services.

We would then get a referral from a service- could be Dart or CMHT, then social needs are accessed again

How are you today? 

What has worked said? 

LF
Social Worker

Ummm... my whole life falling to pieces

Sorry, naturally I don’t have many people to support me.

As it was an emergency I contacted you.

So are you only a rehab Social Worker?

Obviously I’d love to work with you again for

Continuity and not having to retell my whole life story 

But also welcome any referral you can provide.

Obviously my mental health has seriously declined since 

Losing my job. Although now employed I’m still struggling 

Thanks

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 25 Oct 2017, at 8:37 am, LF

Hi Jay

Yes, I turn the phone off at five . 

If I don't, I could be dealing with a crisis and this would present me with difficulties. 

Also, I'm am no longer your social worker as closed you when you rehab finished. 

I would recommend you self refering to Sutton Reach, they are a floating support service who could help with benefit issues. There is also a service in Sutton who may also be able to help, I'll get their details and send over. As much as I want to support, I cannot do to much as no longer open to me. So if I put in the calendar that I'm meeting up, I would be questioned as you are not in my case load. 

What is it that you need help with ? 

Apart from council tax? 

L

On 25 Oct 2017 2:33 a.m.,

Are you You Strickley 9-to-5

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

On 24 Oct 2017, at 1:37 pm, LFwrote:

Hi Jay, 

I received your voicemail. I was on leave Friday and Monday so only picked up the messages today. 

I am around if you want to call, but I do have meetings to attend so we can try and get a quick call in. 

Many thanks 

LF
Social Worker

❤️ 15th November 2017 - Email To My Drug’s Psyche

HI J

Good news about GP .
I will need a copy of the blood results so I can complete the referral.
You have done well reducing the doses and hopefully will be able to reduce further, if not stop totally as it will make the detox shorter and easier for you.
Best wishes
J

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 15 November 2017 13:31
To: JL & OB
Subject: My GP Appointment 

Just to let you know GP sent me for blood tests and prescribed Permethrin and for the first time since I moved to that house my Constant itching and creepy crawly feeling has stopped!!

I explained about my house being damp, having evidence of mould, the possibility of being allergic to it, or suffering from mould mites and from what I can gather he didn’t seem to think that was out of the question. 

It’s really sad that what I chose to do in (now, Not 2014-2015 as my drug use was incredibly dangerous then. Fair enough), in my spare time, has caused me to be judged and not able to access the treatment I needed.

However whilst I am angry for being sectioned, I do appreciate the life saving detoxes you provided.

GP also has no info regarding my re-engagement.

O I gave him your details 

Hope J told you how well I’ve done with regards to cutting down the Benzos And sleeping aids 

J

Sent from Jay’s iPhone

❤️ New Home For 3 Rabbits Needed!!!

Ron, Reg & Cyra (MUST NOT BE SEPERATED!)


Ron (black 6 months), Reg (black and white 6 months) and Cyra (grey and white 10 months), are three bonded bunnies who must stay together.


They have all had traumatic pasts, and have now bonded, so they must go as a three some!


Cyra, female is neutered and vaccinated. She’s almost 1 year old. When she came to her last owner (deceased) she had been rescued from a young couple who did not know how to care for a rabbit. Cyra had outgrown her small cage, and was too naughty to be allowed to run around. Due to this, her last owner adopted her.


Cyra had sore ears from being trapped in a wet cage the majority of the time. She would purposely knock over cans of Cola and beg, like a dog for crisps and take away.


When Cyra was adopted by her last owner (sadly deceased), she was no longer confined to a small cage, and soon developed a cheeky boisterous personality.


She was a house bunny, allowed about the house with supervision. But also had her cage and pen. She was only caged at night.


However Cyra was clearly getting bored. Although her last owner gave her lots of interesting rabbit food and toys, she kept being naughty and her last owner knew she needed some rabbit companionship.


As there are no more rabbit rescues in London, her previous owner searched and searched through Gumtree.


But whenever she said she needed to bring Cyra first to see if she could bond, they were no longer interested.


Finally her last owner saw an advert for two boys who had been bonded, neutered and vaccinated.


They had sad stories too, originating from Pets at home. When their first owner went to buy Ron she saw Reg going mental. Apparently they had been bonded out of a litter and together for all their lives, bar the last couple of hours. Pets At Home didn’t care they had bonded and just wanted rid of the rabbits. So the original owner took them both. Unfortunately her disabled dogs where allergic to them.


Thankfully, they met Cyra and became a spoiled bunny trio!!


They are in a 6ft hutch with a downstairs 4ft run in good weather. When supervised, they are allowed free reign of the bunny proof garden.


When it’s cold they are brought in at dusk and allowed to play in the indoor pen, before being put into a cage at bedtime. All three are happy to be put back in the large cage for bedtime (11pm - 7am).


They enjoy lots of fresh dark greens!! Lettuce, spinach, cabbage, mint, coriander, parsley, basil. Three large bowls per day.


They always have bunny biccy’s on hand. Before bedtime they enjoy fruit (especially banana), sweet corn, carrot, etc. 


They also love freshly cut grass! It has to be freshly cut, as they’re not the most intelligent and don’t have appeared to understood, that green stuff growing out of the ground is the same stuff I cut each day for them!!


Personalities!!


Cyra - she was my first!! She’s very friendly and will lick you. She has never bitten me intentionally (only by mistake when separating a fight when bonding). She’s naughty, mischievous, cheeky and loving. Now she has two boyfriends she’s definitely less naughty!! She’s the one who will struggle the most when you handle her, but it’s not hard to handle her. She loves cuddles and has the most beautiful doe eyes... she will stare right into yours and let you know she loves you as much as you love her! 


Ron - he’s the most timid, and lowest of the pack. Cyra has only just started grooming him. He’s very scared with strangers (it breaks my heart you’ll be stranger number 4 for him to get used to). He’s hard to catch if you let him free! But the easiest to handle. He never kicks. He secretly loves a stroke. He’s also secretly the naughtiest one!! Keep your eye on him.


Reg - the leader!! He is definitely king and Cyra is his queen!! Thankfully Ron is their prince, so currently doesn’t need to be bonded. He’s more confident than Ron, and a little harder to handle. 


Reg and Cyra are like each other’s shadows!! But more recently, Ron is there too and a. beginning to get closer to them.


They all love being stroked together!! There’s nothing more beautiful than a pile of bunnies huddled together whilst you stoke them.


They need daily cleaning of their litter boxes. They have two inside their hutch, one in their run, two in their inside cage and two in their inside run.


They need toys to chew on and toss.


They will come with everything you see photoed which their previous owner hasn’t used.


From learning, she discovered it’s better to buy proper small animal litter than use saw dust as they make such a mess with it. Plus it can give them breathing problems.


Total expenses previous owner paid

Cyra & Cage - £60

Neutering and Vacations - £80

Ron, Reg, Cage & Toys - £120

Indoor run - £60

Outdoor hutch - £80

Fly Strike Spray - £20

Litter boxes - £20

Toys - £40


For the right family (older children is a prerequisite! Rabbits are prey animals and don’t enjoy little ones picking them up roughly! So ideally aged 7+), £150.


All rabbits are neutered and vaccinated. There is now way you can get a friendlier group of rabbits, neutered, vaccinated, with this amount of accessories for a price near that.


Rabbits can live for at least 10 years, so commitment is vital.


A crazy single animal lady, like the deceased is welcome!!


(All their cards, medical records are in my arch lever file in the kitchen).

❤️ Bad Examples

I’ve begged my parents for help! At the moment I’m doing fuck all wrong and the stalking is big time. To the point none of my colleagues will talk to me anymore. Combined with the phone hacking, so my alarms don’t go off, making me late for work, within. 2 weeks, I’ve gone from a nice colleague with the possibility of making sober friends, to public enemy number one.

I’ve done fuck all wrong.

Today I went chemist, shopping, fixed my hot tub (no doubt it will be deflated tomorrow!) and painted my rabbit hutch. They’ve felt the need to torture me to the max!

This video sums it up. I’ve begged them for help. I’ve stopped hanging up frequently, I sorted out a job... I’ve done everything right. And I’m still abused.



❤️ Things That Make Me Cry

This photo. My family know due to their recent behaviour I cannot take anymore and I’m giving up. Rather than help me... they go the extra step by making my community hate me. NO ONE would stop to save my suicide 😞




Monday, 30 April 2018

❤️ 13th April 2018 - Journal

Well, I’ve been on a major downer, hence lack of blog updating.

Firstly, two weeks ago a new girl arrived at work. The receptionist called me over and whispered she said Ade was her manager... I knew it was coming, but no way anticipated it would be this soon. D** has only been there just about a month.

She was introduced to EVERYONE but me. Fair play I am incredibly busy... but my 6 month probation isn’t until 15/04/18, meaning I could be out with a week’s notice.

Two whole days pass. My manager A** then called a meeting with my replacement B***** and D** and I was alone, with the candidates.

I couldn’t do it. Rolled a fag and went and had a cry in the car park.

Eventually I went into A**, almost in tears and said I was worried they would get rid of me, after ALL the fucking hard work I’ve done. 

I’ve managed that fucking programme alone since October. My old colleague did some registrations, but from October - February she only ever put ONE job on, and even that was one of mine I gave to her!!

A** assured me I was safe until 31st May. 

Earlier than what I would have liked, but the work environment is toxic (metaphorically) and my house in London is toxic (literally), so it’s not that much of a downer.

Plus... she an AMAZING EMPLOYMENT ADVISOR. Much more experience than me!! 

Day three I explained to her my negative vibe. No one was told she was starting, I was worried about my job security.. blah blah blah.

I then noticed she was very friendly with the girl who doesn’t like me A*****. We’re ok now. But outside a working environment we would never chose to socialise... do you get what I’m saying.

So... due to the bullshit my ‘loving’ family continued to spread once I had secured employment, the management fucking hated me from day dot. That and the combined abuse which affected my ability to work. Like alarms not going off etc.

Then, I say I’ll be leaving but house not ready until October.

Then I’m told if they find a good EA I’ll have to leave (even though my congruency was due to the dedication I have for my candidates and wanting to give my employer enough time to find a suitable replacement).

Then, a role which is fucking hard to fill is filled.

Then I find out, it’s the mate of the one person I don’t get on with.

B**** is lovely, but these factors will prevent me ever building as good a bond as I would under different circumstances.

She’s very different though... professional I guess. We both worked for another company G**, and both left after a few months.

And while she’s way more experienced, she’s doesn’t have that ability to connect with people like I do.. 

And that... is the only way I fluked myself through the role and fucking smashed their target leagues month after month.

Only months I wasn’t top was October (started on 15th). January (off sick for two weeks and another week working but super ill) and March I didn’t hit registrations and was just under my 6 month sustainment target, but February I was alone and did double the number of required registrations. So not only do I have 22 new candidates but I’ve been training D** too.

I really love D**. She is so much like me. I know everyone says ‘keep in touch’ when they leave a job but I sincerely hope we do.

I recon she’ll be smashing it, like I have, as she’s proper followed my lead.

Went out for her bday today. Really didn’t wanna go. Glad I forced myself.

Ended up disclosing about my crazy past.. but did send her some evidence to back up my claims. Really hope she doesn’t think I’m crazy.

I worry too much about what people think of me.

And.. the rabbits.. it was carnage. Ron had massive fight with both Cy and Reg. Cy bit the fuck out of me when I tried to stop it.

The house which ‘doesn’t have any damp problems’ now has a hole in the bathroom floor... and the floor looks black and rotten. Which is weird for a house with no damp problems.

Gonna bodge it. 

Anyway, I hope the rabbits were just pissed coz they needed more space.

They’re outside now during the day, which is nice.

Right, hopefully I haven’t scared off D** as she invited me out tomorrow and I may join her. I mean, I’ll have gif to force myself, but once out I’ll enjoy it.