❤️ Holes In My Needles

Well well well. Glad my New Year’s resolution is to document more crazy shit. But, hey, why wait for the new year.

He’s clear evidence my family are SICK FUCKS. Down below you will see photographs of my relatively new needles.

Due to ethylphenidate wrecking my veins, I have limited options left. So one of my ‘family’s’ games is called ‘Let’s make her works even more dangerous than what they already are’.

Yes, I have the only family in the world who actually make their child’s intravenous drug problem MORE dangerous!!

One of their favourite parts of this game is to get something thin and metal (I assume... paper clip??)?, burn it real hot, and make holes in my needles!!

So I miss around 50% of my hits.

And BUY MORE DRUGS.

Who, with an ounce of sanity makes their kids needles MORE dangerous???

Sick, sick people.

As it is no longer air tight, it’s hard to establish whether you’re in a vein.

So thanks, I’ve had to share someone else’s works now coz of you!!!

UPDATE - I KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS DOING THIS NOW WHICH IS WHY THIS POST WILL BE KEPT IN DRAFT FORMAT FOF THE MEAN TIME. ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 2017

❤️ 2016 - Random Lyrics

Dis can’t phase me 

I’m crazy 

To late to save me 

Fuck recovery

Right now I’m too lazy

Gotta big a big gal, finally leave needle hell, but that’s something 

Is this true?

No misconstrued 

Hate ensued 

After everything else I’ve been thru

I’m made of steel, 

Although I feel, 

shits too real, 

and I’ve been killed

 

God’s on my side, 

he can’t abide their fucked up lies, 

how they’ve implied 

I’m a junkie, 

Guaranteed, 

Public hatred for me 

too an axe to that tree 

disintegrate with their hate

And I’ll use drugs  for ever you see

That pin won’t leave me

Oh I love the face, when I taste 

❤️ My Lyrics - 2015

Ok, for those of you who don’t know, I’ve in the last 5 years, got into spitting.

That’s rapping to hip hop for those who aren’t familiar with the colloquial language.

And, as it happens. I’m not too bad.

Obviously I’m better when I can prepare my lyrics, but  I can freestyle too.

Here’s my lyrics to Eminem’s Mocking Bird. A song which sends stabbing pain through my heart because I wish my daddy still loved me.

‘I know you miss your mum,

And I know you miss your dad,

But they’ve gone, and so has the family you once had.

They can see you cry

And get high

Their solution was to lie

You will never have the truth

Even though you have bear proof 

Started off kinda small

After you had a fall

But you couldn’t make that change 

Soon became a household name 

Sold your soul

To the Sun

To the press 

No longer do you impress 

Now your life is a mess

The solution equals death 

You still hope, you’ll be saved 

You were wrong, drugs you craved

Wanted love, so misbehaved

They got you Sectioned

Still not phased

But now you cannot take much more

You watch them walk, past your door

Looking at their mobile phone

Watching you, sob alone

And you wish they had some shame

Coz they are the cause of your pain

Can’t rewind, but you can change

And be a family once again

I remember back one day when we

We’re in the park

You were there, so was I

But you were acting really dark

So I called out loud your name

But you clearly had no shame

Causing me so damn much pain 

Now you’re doing it again 

I just don’t understand why

I sit here, try not to cry

My solution, to get high

If we speak, then we both lie

I really wish I could understand 

The conclusion to your plan

On my feet I try to stand

You keep hitting, so I land’

My family know this, but should they ever be honest, I’ll sell my house, quit my job and pay for 6 months rehab.

And do it properly.

I’d love my family back.

But I have a feeling, I’ll either commit suicide and my friends will make sure the press get my blog, or I’ll eventually sell my story and go it alone.

Like a optimistic puppy, I still prey and hope they’ll tell the truth.

Deep down, I know their shame and guilt means they won’t.

I miss my mum and dad. From 1981 to 2014.

RIP.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Letter To Psychosis - 2015

I’ll be free from pain

Regain privacy

Be rid of you

I’ll miss Orion and Fyver. N will find them a home. You don’t like Orion because he cries.

And P

Sell my good for money for Orion and Fyver.

It would be totally retarded to abuse them. Save the abuse for me... Unwanted Family Member.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Letter To Psychosis - 2015

Firstly, ‘Dad’ psychosis, you are an evil man. I found the cameras/recording equipment in the wall sockets. I found the screws the with weird bits.

The whispering stops.

You have cameras are in each room.

‘Mum’ you are a both. You don’t want your baby. I’ve caught you out. Now don’t lie. Just don’t speak.

1) allow me 10 minutes peace. Not stalkers. No helicopters above. No one following me.

2) stop getting vans which play sounds like helicopters.

3) have you changed the 280 bus route? (2017 - the 280 used to take me straight from my house to the legal high shop. Now it stops in Tooting)

4) Stop people staring at me when I first come into their view. Then getting their mobile phones. Then they stair and look away. Then when they realise I’ve caught them, they get anxious... they are crap human.

❤️ 2017 - Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 2

Prescription drugs I’ve used. 

Atomoextine is the non-stimulant ADHD medication I was forced to go on before they put me back on Concerta. I was forced to use it for 3 months. It gave me such bad anxiety I had to start taking a beta blocker called Propranolol. I knew there was no way I’d be prescribed the other medication for anxiety which is benzodiazepines. 

I also got one of the really rare side effects from it, which is menstrual bleeding. So basically I was on a 3 month period. 

Buprenorphine is subutex or subbies. I’m prescribed that.

Benzos - as you know I’m addicted to these. Started using thanks to these wankers and the anxiety they cause me constantly... I mean, they would and still do, abuse me whether I’m clean or sober. Their abuse did and still does, cause me huge amounts of anxiety.

Adderall was purchased from Dream Market. Although I abused this (used intravenously), and this medication was not legit, it felt AMAZING!!! I did NOT get high. Far from it. It was like when I first took Concerta. On the 1-2 days I used this, I did not have the crippling anxiety I was plagued with. I used this not long after losing my job. It breaks my heart that bad in June, just pre ‘The Most Stupid Mistake I’ve Made In My Career’ my ADHD psyche refused to let me try the last ADHD med in the UK which is amphetamine based (Ritalin is methylphenidate, not amphetamine), as she was still judging me on my past. This was another huge influence in the big fuck up I made.

Methadone - actually about 16 months ago. Pre-rehab.

Methylphenidate - Ritalin / Concerta. Prescribed.

Modafinil - for narcolepsy... also supposed to work for ADHD... this was February this year. As my Concerta was failing me, I was desperately looking for anything that helped my meds work better and keep me from illegal drug use / self medication.

Opiate pain killers - only prescription codeine, 15-30mgs

Tramodol - prescribed when I was in hospital.

Zopiclone - purchased and given by my family (LOL... that makes them enablers!! 😁)

❤️ 22nd December 2017 - Journal

Today our Irish manager declared today Irish coffee day! I don’t like coffee. So it was a lot of Irish and not so much coffee.

Then their was that Prosecco! Which for the life of me I can’t say. Upon leaving work and hitting the fresh air, I was like WOE! Tipsy! Not drunk, tipsy. Sang my own version of jingle bells and whole way home making up my own rhymes.

Well, I’ve been doing that all day. Was running 10 minutes late, so I did a talking emoji message to my manager saying

‘Hello boss

I’m coming in

But I’m running late

It is Christmas, last day of work

So I beg you please don’t hate

WOO!’

You know your manager is BLAM when you can send him a singing unicorn saying you’re running late.

Haha! He even taught me some street hand shake thingy... and took me to the rest of the team upstairs saying ‘J’s on it man, look at this’ *queue* handshake.

Well, no further info from Mr X. Just mailed him to get the details of this apparent radio interview.

I feel a dick for disclosing, but I know I’ve got the upper hand finding that newspaper article. Can’t believe Mr X could be stupid enough to continue to use that name! I would change my name and never be associated with it again should I be plastered all over the news for breaking the law and getting a VIP trip to Her Majesty’s finest accommodation. 

I would have never have discovered this, or his long term media companies, with his work name. 

His work name brings up just the work website and some article about the IAG qualification he’s got.

Sooooo.... if my boy’s trying to play me, it ain’t gonna happen. He’s not smart enough for that. And, I’ve only told him things... there’s no hard evidence to back up what I’ve stated. Well I have hard evidence, but it ain’t all over the net. 

It’s sooo tempting to have a pretend telephone call in earshot and say ‘benefit fraud b! Can you believe? 30 k bruv! Yeah yeah. Hush hush ‘n all’. 

Anyway, it’s given me a little bit of power back. And as it clearly states on my blog 

‘This blog, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed are fictitious. Any similarity with factual events or characters was purely coincidental’

Because... I mean... look at the contents... clearly it’s made up. No one bar Cinderella and Snow White have family that are so cruel and callous. No ‘real’ family would execute such horrific behaviour 😉 

And, to be honest, unless it’s spoken communication, due to my phone being hacked, I cannot accept liability for anything that ‘supposedly’ is sent from my email.

Standard 😁

On another note, I’m worried that the recent events and my notoriety, are causing my friends to take a step back. Well ‘friends’ is an overstatement. Friend. Singular not plural. I miss my R*** so much!! This time last year we were soooo close. I lost ALL numbers, and although I’ve emailed her, she’s claiming she doesn’t have a phone number.... I’ve got a horrible feeling she just doesn’t want to be associated with me and whatever reputation my family have decided to give me and spread around social media.

I miss her so much. No matter how down I am, I can’t stay down when she’s around. She’s a real ray of sunshine. And although I am far from a needy friend, I do miss being able to text her... and receiving her drunk texts!!

She’s the most amazing, beautiful person. Inside and out. Seriously she’s the most pretty girl I’ve met in my life. I don’t think I can name another person who actually makes me feel a little insecure over my own looks!!

Fantastic artist, lovely singer, expert fake tan applier! 

We are soooo similar, but also so different.

Both bleach our hair, like tan, petite/thin, have boobs (hers are better, but she did pay for hers!), psychic, like drawing, like singing and have the same bday.

But different coz I appear confident and chatty, she’s more quiet and reserved. Oh, we both had speech impediments as children! Her’s was worse. I used to stutter badly as my mouth couldn’t keep up with the speed of my brain. 

Anyway, if God exists, I’ll get to catch up / talk to her next week. Last year she told me I could spend Xmas with her and her family!! Ok, that would be a bit weird, I only really know R*** and have briefly met L*** her twin and her younger half sister.

Anyway R*** if you read this I love you!!! Please reply to my last email with congruency. I love and care for you! So if you are worried about me having a negative effect on your reputation please be honest and I’ll step back baby!!

Although I’ll miss you so badly, I care more about you than I do about me being lonely.

Finally.... planned a BLAM Xmas Dinner

4-5 bird roast (I’ve wanted duck or goose for years!)

Stuffing 

Roast potatoes 

Yorkshire puddings 

Mashed sweet potatoes 

Honey roast carrots

Honey roast parsnips 

Peas 

Sweetcorn

Sausage wrapped in bacon

And ... for the first time since I was tiny... Brussels sprouts! Yes! I’m gonna try them!

Right... over and out!

I’ve been procrastinating! 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 06th February 2016 - Goodbye My Lovers

Well I've fucked up big time and I have nothing left anymore.

Made the stupid mistake of ordering ethylphenidate. My Ritalin dose is so low I was falling asleep mid afternoon. Being so excited to go back home I needed energy to pack my belongings. 

Well with lovely N’s help we decided to order some of the new ethylphenidate.

Of course my parents (who are definitely not staking me) found out immediately. 

Then my brother and my next door neighbour decided to keep breaking into my house Sunday night. Through the bathroom, loft and cupboard under the stairs.

The dad from next door freed the person the trapped in the cupboard. And soon they were all our. Still freaked me out all night. I got no sleep and ended up using all night. Missed work. 

On top of that we decided to get a package delivered to work. My manager opened it so bingo. 

My heart broke it two. My parents even play psychosis when I'm sober. It's not fair. If I stop they should stop. 

I need help. Not just financial. I need them to realise I'm not perfect. I'm gonna fuck up.

Now they want me sectioned. Some where I get no help. No counselling. Nothing for my ADHD.

I want my ADHD treated more than life itself. 56mgs of Concerta and I'm a normal person. Crack and Coke don't work. Ethylphenidate doesn't work. All I want is a spliff at night to chill.

I'm so broken now. I loved my home. But my mum screamed I wasn't broken into I'm just mad Coz the drugs. I'd do anything. I hate the idea of rehab but I'd even do 6 months to keep my home. I'd stay at detox for 3 months.

Get of buprenorphine again and for good.

My home, I wanted to live their forever. I also want them to come and tell the truth  me. After rehab when I'm better for good.

Life is worth it for my home.

Otherwise I have no choice but to fight alone. I don't mind people knowing I'm a dirty druggie buf at least let them know I have ADHD. Least let them. Know it's legal Ritalin and not crack and smack.

If I go back there (Springfield) will also No I won't have the Energy to fight any more. Like Sonic the hedgehog it'll be game over. It'll kill me. Especially when I do you want the real help that need.

You've already destroyed and damaged me so badly. I know you hate me mum and dad please don't kill me

I will be out of your life so you might have to be bothered with me anymore. You can finally have your perfect family. I'll save a nice cash fund for Pippa. Either then that I won't bother you anymore. 

I'm so tired and broken. I don't have much fight left in me. I have to try. But I'm not good at winning in this game of life.

If this you are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry I'm the worse child. I'm so sorry.

Guess this is good bye. I just hope it's not forever. But that is your calll. I need help but will you give it to me?

I loved you so much.

The worst child ever.

Jay 

❤️ 2017 - What My ‘Loving’ Family Do - Big Up To You For Supporting The Wankers!!!!

Just to up date you all on these nasty pieces of shit and also a big thank you for supporting their trail of destruction!!!

So... last night... NO DRUGS AND NO ALCOHOL. But as I’ve mentioned before, this isn’t a campaign to get me clean. This is a campaign to push me to kill my self!!!!!

So, neither of my two alarms woke me up this morning. My friend’s phone didn’t wake him either. But his phone ringing woke me... at 8.20am. 

My phone had been snoozing... all by itself... and the alarm tone continued when I was finally awake.

For a normal person, this would be fucking bizarre. When you have a family trying to destroy you, this is normal.

Number 2.... my Concerta disappeared!!!! It better be at home or the police will be called.

Finally re-set my Cubit (bit coin) account, sent money to Dream Market account. I have bought the most dodgy benzos recently..... they’re definitely cut with all sorts of shit.

I’m blacking out when I consume alcohol, Zopiclone styleee (benzos are quite fun when mixed with a small amount of alcohol, Zopiclone makes you black out. To black out on benzos you need to be very drunk and consume quite a bit).

Anyway after I swapped from these shitty tablets to proper pharmacy ones, I was able to dramatically cut my dosage right down. Things like my memory improved and the cloud in my head, which was effecting my day to day cognitive ability began to evaporate.

I attempted to re-purchase the decent, pharmacy grade benzos, but the seller was on holiday. Due to my money being stolen from my account last time and my order ‘vanishing’, I did, under no circumstances, want to linger around and find a decent replacement.

So, wanting to purchase quick, I went into my order history and clicked on the dodgy benzo guy’s page and bought them. 

They’re so cheap, they cost £25 for 100 tablets. They are not good for you though.

My family are WELL aware my drugs psychiatrist has told me I am not to suddenly stop taking them and if I do run out I am to do to A&E.

Why would they steal the money I had in my account to purchase diazepam?

Why would they cancel / steal my order?

Surely they want me to withdraw and stop taking them?

As I’ve said... THIS CAMPAIGN IS NOT ABOUT THE DRUGS 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 2017 - THEY HAVE BEEN DELETING MY POSTS!!

How ironic my post from the 26th of December about posts being deleted, was too, deleted 

Found two which have vanished from my blog!