❤️ 13th November 2017 - Journal

Well thankfully since Thursday when I was reacquainted with N, everything has been peaceful. 

My alarms have been going off in the morning, my medication hasn’t vanished (although God knows how I’m making it through the month with all my Ritalin that’s vanished), in fact nothing has vanished in the mornings and in turn both Friday and today I arrived on time.

In fact, if it wasn’t for signal failure at Holborn I would have been early today. Today I arrived to two of my colleagues waiting outside, meaning I was ok to quickly pop to the shop to get a drink.

Whatever I have in my house that’s driving me mad has seemed to decline too. Although Friday I opened the door, so a bathroom which ‘appeared’ to be smokey, before the smoke swarmed at my face. I was sober at the time. 

This made me realise that I’ve entered rooms previously thinking they looked smokey.... and thought my eyes were playing tricks.

Clearly it’s whatever the fuck is bothering me. It eats my clothes and they’re deteriorating quickly. Threads keep coming out. Black or dark clothes get covered in white bobbles and flint, whilst light coloured clothes get covered in black bobbles.

Last week I tried keeping my windows closed and the dehumidifiers running, which clearly did nothing to alleviate my symptoms. Both apparent on me, my belongings and home.

So over the weekend I decided to keep the heating on, windows opened slightly and the dehumidifiers in the dressing room (the moisture traps are really bad in their and I desperately don’t want to lose my clothes) and in the laundry area / bathroom.

This seems to make it more manageable at home and bar itching, there was nothing swarming at me (bar the incident opening the bathroom door) or biting me.

I’ve seriously cut down my drug use. Primarily as I wanted to give MDART a clean(ish) piss test. However they point blank refused to let me give them one. Also, due to lack of funds. 

Apart from a £17.50 smoke on Friday, weed, alcohol and the benzos I’m addicted to... I’ve stayed away from injecting, speed, cocaine and heroin.

I’ve also seriously cut down my benzos. I was taking 120mg of diazepam a day. Then I cut that to 60mg diazepam and 45mg of Zopiclone.

Over the weekend I dealt with major benzo withdrawal and last night I needed on 25mg diazepam and 15mg Zopiclone. I was quite proud of this achievement... although my Psyche Nurse, J at MDART gave me no praise upon informing him.

The major concerns I have is the decline in my cognitive ability and coordination.

However there appear to be nothing which is a solution for my problems.

My symptoms (which seem to be related to being oh my house)

1) Itching all over 

2) Seems to correlate to wearing clothes which are made of natural materials. Cotton and wool. I’m wearing a shirt made of man made material today and the itching is focused around the seams which are sewn with cotton.

3) These materials seem to deteriorate quickly, they get bobbles on them. These seem to relate to itching. 

4) Black dots appear to emerge from any porous items. For example spray my wooden bread board with bleach and they’ll appear.

5) carpets seem to get black and white dots appearing when no one has walked on them

6) itching is worse at night or when there’s no natural sunlight.

7) it’s definitely in my hair and I’m always pulling strands out of my nose and mouth (still attatched to my head).

8) Blood makes it go mad! When I leaked on my period I felt it swarming at my knickers!! This is also a major factor behind my decision not to IV anymore... well in that house, as it really swarms at me!!

9) Sinus problems (bad) thick green slime

10) Vomiting 

11) No appetite 

12) Fatigued 

13) Bad Anxiety 

14) My brain is declining. I was reading emails I sent to MDART when I first had this, and the vocabulary I used to have has vanished

15) Coordination is declining

16) Memory declining 

17) Trouble sleeping due to itching 

18) Eye site has started getting blurry at times 

19) Irritability

20) Numbness

21) Horrible taste in mouth

22) Word recollection difficulties, I was unable to spell chocolate the other day and stuttered badly when trying to say diazepam to Dr. P. Took about 5 goes to get the word out. It reminded me of being a kid and my brain going faster than what my mouth can cope with.

23) Mood swings

24) Infetions (I’ve had cellulitis in my finger again)

25) Concentration problems. I know I have ADHD, but this is super bad.

26) Confusion... often completely forgetting what I’m doing in the middle of doing it 

27) Verbal disfunction

28) My cat spends less time in the house in the evening when it’s bad.

29) When I had a rabbit at night he would go in the cat litter box (Mites need water so avoid cat litter)

30) I’m ok in summer time.

31) Every time I poo, vomit, put a tampax down the toilet or a snotty tissue it’s filled with bubbles

32) Things that deter mould and mites such as bleach, ammonia, white vinegar, Windex, citrus and tea tree oil. 

The other day I came home with freshly stuck on fake nails... pound shop style... and the glue started coming out in blobs as I stood in my kitchen. It was freaky as hell.

Whilst the problems with my brain could be due to drugs and withdrawal, that doesn’t explain all the other problems.

When I went back to MDART 7 week’s ago I had a blood test which showed I had an infection.

Then I discovered toxic mould... which would explain A LOT of my problems listed above and with toxic mould comes mould mites! 

This is the only solution which ticks most of the boxes. I have sever damp in my house as in every room the damp crystals became solid.

The ones in my bathroom under my radiator got so damp the tub filled with water 

I also discovered the radiator, which the crystals were beneath was covered in something black, I can only assume was mould

I scrubbed it off with bleach 

Mould loves natural fibers like cotton and wool. This also explains why I’m not itchy in my acrylic tracksuit.

If I hoover the floor and clean it, within minutes I see little sparkles of glitter and spots appear

If I put bleach on my hand again it comes up in white and black dots. When I have a bath, bits of rubbish appear to come out of me. It’s often ‘bug’ shaped but ends up being fluff or a bit of dirt. I feel like this stuff, mites, all gang up together and jumps into a bit of dirt or fluff and makes its own temporary body. Weird I know, but since I used the damp crystals, I’m getting a lot of teeny white dots coming up from a the carpet.

This is partly why I was sectioned... as my ‘bugs’ where nothing but dirt and fluff.

Black dots appear everywhere. In the bathroom they’re tiny, like paint splats, but I’ve never used black paint.

The only way I can remove them is to cover them in tooth paste for 24 hours and then they’ll scrub off.

I also got bigger blalso got bigger black spots on my bedroom wall. My mattress was filled with mould and the bedframe 

It wouldn’t surprise me if I managed to get blood on the wall on those spots in the picture when I was banging up.

My shoes have got unexplainable black  marks on them

UPDATE - 16/11/17 - More black grout found 

I’ve discovered my toilet, dishwasher and washing machine are all leaking.

My blinds in the bedroom were dripping with water

I have loads of loose threads which have suddenly ‘popped’ out of what ever they were in. 

When I was bad on drugs at my mum’s house winter 2014/2015 I can remember hearing things go ‘pop’ inside the plastic bags you can hoover so they shrink.. Popping inside the large jar I had of weed leaves (for when I ran out of weed).

One time I even saw a ball of hair (from a hair brush), move across the carpet... I was soooo hoping it was psychosis... but the little invisible things I can see dashing and darting over the floor, have swarmed at me when I was totally clean from drugs which can cause psychosis... it was raining outside and I was at my mum’s. I opened the window and they vanished.

The thing is... these things are everywhere. I have seen them long before they became a problem. Just stare at a carpet for a while. Or the grout on a tiled floor. Or wooden door frames... and I’ve ALWAYS seen something invisible moving or darting around. I even noticed it on my wooden door frame in the summer.

I’ve even googled it.. and others notice their eyes ‘playing tricks’ or the carpet seems to be moving. Yeah, you think you’re eyes are playing tricks. Until the fucking thing swarms at you. 

It’s everywhere... but there’s wayyy too much here. 

And when I inject stimulants and there’s a load of them, I piss them off and they bite the Fuck out of me.

I had really bad diarrhoea the other day when I was in opiate withdrawal after the stolen medication saga and I poured bleach in to the toilet and you can see the contents starting to move. I have it on video... to upload videos on to this blog I have to upload them to a video sharing site... so I’ll allow that for now.

I went to St. George’s not last Sunday but the Sunday before. They were going to give me a blood test, then they checked my medical records and that damn acronym popped up... IVDU (intravenous drug user) and suddenly there no blood test and I was sent to the emergency GP. 

The receptionist really didn’t want to give me an appointment. Until she discovered I owned my own house 

‘Why ain’t the council moved ya?’

‘Umm it’s my house, it’s ok though, I’ve sold it’

‘What!? You! You own your own house’

‘Yes’ 

‘Who’d ja live with’

‘No one, I live alone’ 

‘What!? You work?’

‘Yes’

‘Full time’

‘Yes’

‘Whatcha do?’

‘I help people on benefits find employment’

‘Oh, alright then, take a seat, I’ll book you an appointment’

The doctor was too, a judgemental prick and told me my itching was most likely due to being on opiates!

WTF!!!!

I love that fucking itch! There is never a more pleasurable itch. It certainly is nothing like what I’m going through now.

Anyway today I have have visited a non-judgemental doctor who has thankfully prescribed me a scabies treatment! I am so grateful as I’ve read that helps. He’s also given me forms to have my blood tests done to see if my body is still fighting an infection. 

He’s also getting hep b and hep c tested again, which is good. I had the antibodies in my system last July before rehab, but thankfully I self cleared it.

Unfortunately the letter stating this arrived in January this year meaning I kept on being careless whilst using.

I have old pictures on my Dropbox showing similar white glitter / sparkles dotted along a hair strand. And videos of me spraying my rabbit’s straw with bleach and the straw moving. The former I’ll add to this blog at some point.

Anyway I was dreading coming home as N wasn’t there to meet me. As I got off the bus some large man, speaking another language (anyone who ‘stalks’ me is generally bilingual), was just standing there.

He started to follow me back towards my house, but walked past me as I arrived at my house.

Bizarre for someone to be waiting at a bus stop, for no one.... unless you’re a famous junkie of course.

Thankfully I arrived home to a lit house, my N already here, having cleaned my house, sorted the washing and dinner ready to be cooked.

I’ve put the scabies cream on. The GP said he would give me two doses but I’ve got enough for 4.

And the itching on my body.... has stopped... now it’s just my hair I can feel creepy crawling.

Just to add... the stalking has calmed down massively... now I just get the odd foreign bloke watching me becomes accessing the ‘Stalk A Junkie’ app. And my colleagues are a bit more friendly. I was even approached for a chat, when they didn’t have to, as I was purposively pretending to be engrossed in my phone. 

One still only spoke to me until someone else appeared before quickly disappearing. But he’s a knob anyway. 

And a little of the old me resurfaced... saying slightly inappropriate but highly amusing quips before my brain registered I shouldn’t have said that... that was nice... making people laugh again. 

Anyway. Update again soon. Jay x x 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ What Is A Junkie

This was written during my addiction to crack and heroin. I spent a year using crack and heroin daily. Prior to that I spent a year becoming addicted to crack and heroin.  I never injected at all during this period.

Let me ask you a question what is a junkie? A heroin addict? A smack head? I can answer this for you with guarantee that what I initially write, will be exactly the answer you would give me. 

The guy sitting by the cashpoint. His bony hands are no longer white or black, but tinged  grey. His hair is lank and his worn clothes hang from his emancipated body. At first he seems asleep, his head bobbing rhythmically. As the day progresses be insatiable appetite for drugs begin to show. Kill breakout in what appears to be a flu or fever. His expression now encompasses one of panic and urgency. You all avoid the cashpoint for fear of being robbed.

Or the prostitute who works in the rain, wind or snow. Her skinny legs protrude from her tiny skirt. Paler than white, the life she once had has evaporated. Her eyes are glazed and her pupils are tiny.

A heroin addict will sell their TV or steal yours for another sweet heat of smack. They’ll sell their bodies, rob the old lady coming out the post office or break into shops. They don’t care for anyone when they need their fix. Their only passion is brown.

But there is a second type of head heroin addict. One you didn’t know about. Me.... a functional addict. A functional addict’s has a job, pays her rent or even her mortgage, she uses the latest mobile phone (thanks to her free upgrade) and always pays her bills.

Functional addicts blend into society. You may be able to tell something is not quite right, but are more likely to assume she has an illness or a drink problem. This is because, smack heads belong in a Trainspotting world, not the real world.

Heroin addicts don’t work or contribute to society. Smack heads don’t have jobs. Crack, along with numerous other stimulants, before I was introduced to crack was always my drug of choice. To pacify crack’s insatiable come down I smoked heroin.

I’ve never IV-ed, nor really smoked off the foil. I use heroin in a spliff.

The absence of needles, scars or tinfoil only helps me to blend into society, fabricating normality. Only ex-users may have cottoned on to my dirty secret I have had for five years. Even today, I will always notice the person in Boots the chemist, looking slightly sweaty, impatient, waiting with their blue prescription. 

I am the girl in your office whose size 6 trousers hang from her emancipated hips. Face often make up free and hair scraped back. The girl who’s often late in the morning, as mornings aren’t her forte. She is positively drowsy at her desk, eyes glazed. Even in the heat of summer she’s cold, moaning AC is on too high. Occasionally she breaks into a sweat, stripping her layers of clothes off, only to put them back on 5 minutes later.

She frequently visit to the toilet to vomit or due to diarrhoea. Around 11 AM she begins to frequently dial the same number, from her phone, slamming the receiver with more and more frustration upon hearing ‘the number you have dialled is currently unavailable please try later’.

Finally, her caller (dealer) switches on his phone and hearing it ring alone is enough to send adrenaline pumping through her veins.

She makes an excuse to take her lunch early. The bank before it’s busy, doctor’s appointment, a friend has run out of electricity or some other emergency.

Upon returning she now has a surge of energy, as she rushes to her desk, only to return with a renewed sense of life. Blood begins to pump through her veins, opposed to the sluggish pace she demonstrated before her break

Her tiredness evaporates, no longer dozy and on the verge of sleeping, she’s suddenly engrossed in her work, typing ferociously, inbetween her hourly trips to the toilet. She only stops, for what you believe to be a cigarette break. Little do you know that her roll up contains heroin as well as tobacco.

You may notice her being sick. When you only smoke heroin, the withdrawals are not as intense. Upon getting your fix you’re likely to throw up as soon as you take your first few pulls. She’ll make excuses that she is hungover or ill or perhaps she’s even pregnant. You believe her. Like I said heroin addicts don’t work and you’ll reason there is no scars on her arms from injections.

She’ll work hard all afternoon, staying at work till 7 PM to make up for the two hours she spent sleeping in the morning at her desk. Maybe later. She definitely catches up and exceeds the work you expected her to accomplish this morning. How late she stays  all depends on how good the crack is and when it runs out.

Heroin smokers, especially the crackhead variety, don’t wake every eight hours for the next shor of heroin. Smokers can easily pass out for hours upon hours, waking at 4 PM in the afternoon. She’ll continue to doze in bed until the requisite to use over rides the intoxicating need to remain almost unconscious. By 6 PM the dealers have been called, she throws on a tracksuit and drives like a Formula One driver.

Traffic lights, buses and cautious drivers are treated like Satan himself in disguise. Once she arrives the 10 minute wait feels like 10 hours. Restless and horny (heroin suppresses sexual urges, she’s orgasumed on a bus before when sat near the engine) she will constantly check the street until the dealer’s car finally pulls up, parking infront. Scoring, she gets angry as her dealer attempts to make small talk. Her shaky hands are already tearing the small clingfilm covered rocks before she’s even left his car. Once back in her car she drives for 2-3 mins before parking in another residential street. The rocks are almost open even though she was driving too. She can skin up within 30 seconds flat. The urgency does not subside until she takes her first pull on a b spliff.

If she’s left it too long and her withdrawal is more severe, her precious be spliff acts as a catalyst to make her insanely sick! Projectile vomiting through the car window, or if she's quick enough, out of the door. Yet she continues to inhale her poisonous spliff, safe in the knowledge she will feel normal again soon. 

Once she begins to feel slightly better, she’ll undo a rock of crack, using the ash from the b spliff, she’ll place that on the foil. Breaking a large rock, she crouches into the passenger side and inhales quickly. Holding the smoke in for as long as she can. Before exhaling as slowly as possible. Now she feels normal.

Although she can blend into society, people that are close to her will notice many changes in her personality. Her afternoon nap now consists of a four hour deep sleep, opposed to a 30 minute snooze. As she becomes more and more addicted on the days where she is withdrawing her mood can be volatile. 

Instead of wanting to stay, relax, watch TV and chill with you she is eager to leave. She’ll tell you this is because she needs to have a bath, do her tan and then get ready for work tomorrow. But the truth is, she needs to drive to her dealer and score because it is the only thing that will make her feel better.

Because she has a job earning £30,000 companies are happy to give her extortionate credit cards. £20,000 worth. Due to this, her addiction grows as her tolerance increases. £25 per day Smoke becomes £50. £50 becomes becomes £100. Soon her attempts to withdraw money are declined and her dealer, out of pity, gives her £40 Of brown for free, so she’s not sick over Christmas.

Soon she starts utilising quick approve short-term loans. This only enables her to continue her addiction. The addiction which is slowly killing. She puts a £200 debt from her £2000 take-home salary before payday has even arrived. 

Non-drug users would be disgusted and even other drug users looked down at her. Because until it happens to you, you’ll never understand. She’s not stupid. She knew the consequences. Yet she never intended to be a crack and heroin addict.

It’s a sneaky addiction. It tricks you into believing you can control it. But even when you only smoke once a week, it’s already controlling you. She wrote off the poor sleep on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and even Friday after a night out drinking and snorting cocaine. With each week the craving to use grows. Waiting for Saturday gets harder and harder. She knows that even though b makes her drowsy and not necessarily fall straight asleep, when she does sleep, she’ll sleep the most deepest, most comfortable, intoxicating sleep. And Sunday she’ll still be glowing. By Sunday evening she’s getting tired and grouchy. She’ll sleep well again, but on Monday she’s still exhausted. Cold, yawning, tired and achy, she’ll struggle to make 5pm. 

Yet come 8pm her back and calves will ache. When she does fall asleep at 1am, she sleep fitfully, sweating so bad she’ll wake up and need to change her bedclothes in the middle of the night. Tuesday through to Friday, she’ll sleep better and ache less, but she’ll still exhausted from the lack of sleep at the beginning of the week. 

Then one day she’ll think, I’m exhausted, I know it’s Wednesday but having a smoke will give me the energy to tidy my flat and enable me to get a decent night’s sleep. So, now it’s Saturday and Wednesday. Then add Monday. Pretty soon Tuesday, Thursday and Friday too. By now she feels sick in the morning if she doesn’t save a spliff at least. 

The length of time between using, before getting sick decreases daily.

She was a cocaine user originally and constantly  refrained from the invites to inhale the sweets smoke of crack the pipe. She felt proud of her abstinence.

However, as the crackheads progressed to smoking heroin. Eventually their heads slump, as the B overpowers the energetic dopamine from crack. She tries to stick to weed and alcohol. She continuously smoks spliff after spliff, drinking and drinking. Attempting to join her companions in the world of slumber. But the Coke is still in control she downs another drink desperate to come down

Finally, intoxication lowers her inhibitions. She finally reaches for the heroin spliff, as it smoulders upon her friends duvet cover, leaving a small burn. Her friend is gouching and so is her friend’s companion. So she takes the heroin spliff inhaling 8 pulls and she falls asleep.

It is true heroin, will cause an addiction from the first time you use it. You  do not get addicted the first time you use it. You do not notice any negative consequences from using heroin. It leads you to believe the are no real bad consequences. It’s nothing like Trainspotting. You think you can use it again, so stupidly your day. 

It took me a whole year ago from trying heroin, to being reliant on heroin. It Could happen to you . It could happen to anyone. Whether it’s heroin, codeine morphine, painkillers or benzodiazepines. In fact many doctors illegally prescribed their own morphine and are addicted to opiates. They live in permanent fear, afraid that their colleagues will notice track marks and their  pinprick peoples.

I never got on with AA or NA, but I know people that have, in affluent areas such as Chelsea, the meetings are filled with solicitors, judges, senior police,  CEOs chief executives, company directors, millionaires, TV celebrities and music stars.

Drug addiction does not discriminate.

And I know one not one person, when they’re younger, thinks, when I grow up I want to be a drug addict.

We are all here because we have used drugs to mask are the problems in our lives.

Mental health is serious and is real. You would not tell someone in a wheelchair to start walking. So why tell someone who is depressed to cheer up. Or from my own experience, tell someone who has ADHD to stop fidgeting.

I have had many a psychiatrist tell me, should I have been medicated earlier in my life, it is highly unlikelyI would have used drugs to a stage where I am now a junkie who is addicted.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Here is the TRUTH!!

Ok, firstly, I have got myself into a bit of a mess. However, if my friends weren't tormented and I had privacy and security in my home, this mess would not have happened in the first place.

I'm a 36 year old woman. It's my human right to have privacy.  I should also be able to feel secure in the home I worked hard for and I purchased!!

However thanks to you supporting my parents, I am faced with no other choice but to sell my and move far far away to escape their abuse.

For starters, I spent 14 weeks in rehab, but that wasn't good enough for my family. Upon leaving they still watched me 24-7 . The manager of the rehab was even going to let me stay the additional two weeks even if I didn't receive the funding, as she was so concerned about me returning back to living with them. 

I'm not going into what happened, but ultimately I lost my job due to their abuse and lack of personal boundaries.

Yes, I did have a period where I was using a lot of drugs. But that stopped. However they didn't.

They continued to torment me to the point my friend has to live with me so I was able to get some respite. They would constantly whisper when I was in the house alone, reading everything I do on my phone and watching me 24-7. I cannot use the bathroom, have sex or masterbate without being watched.

As I'm in financial difficulty I thought I would sell MY share certificates to help me get through this period. However I stupidly mentioned this in my house and they disappeared. 

My family are well aware should my money run out, suicide is likely. I can only come to the conclusion they clearly want this, or why steal my share certificates. Not so much a loving family eh?

They steal items from my home, only to replace them the next day. They clearly want me to think I'm mad. I already have ADHD and mental health issues. Would a loving family who care about me want to make these issues worse??

There's no respite for staying clean. Nope, none at all. I stay clean and I'm still tormented. After a few days I am desperate for a break of these negative torrential feelings. Can you really blame me for using?

They make me constantly feel anxious. It's well know anxiety is a major cause of drug abuse. If they wanted me to stay clean, why give me so much anxiety??

I feel so desperately sad due to their behaviour. They know this. There's many a time, when I know I'm being watched, I've pleaded with them to knock on my door and tell me the truth and I'll stop injecting and using hard drugs. They never knock on my door. I feel so constantly sad. Again, why would they continue to make me so sad that I will do anything for respite?

Their behaviour makes both my ADHD and OCD worse. Again, they know that self medicating these conditions is what brought me to drug addiction in the first place. Yet they continue to make both of these conditions worse.

All it took was one relapse! My first relapse after detox and this crazy behaviour started.

Let me ask you all, do you really deem constant surveillance on a 36 year old necessary? And it's not just the surveillance. It's the whispering , the noises in my house, the stealing things, the unlocking of my front door when I've just paid £100 for new locks.

This IS NOT about drugs. They clearly want me to think I'm mad. And they clearly want me to kill myself.

They've spent thousands turning my dream home into a house of horrors. The people who should be helping me in times of need. But instead, all they've done is push and push me to use all for a blissful few hours of respite.

I went to north London for a treatment I booked and I was even stalked there with some bloke watching me and saying aloud 'YEAH, SHE'S GOT BLONDE HAIR'

I've caught them on camera stealing from me and I've caught a family member I do not talk to entering my property. I did have a really good incriminating video, but of course they went to extreme measures to make sure this was deleted off my phone and online account. Their stupid secret and game is what is important here. Not me... not me staying clean.. not me picking myself up and finding new employment... nope none of that. Their game of abuse and torment is all that matters.

I try to stay clean. But after a day spent job searching when you come home to a glass of wine and are trying to watch TV in peace, only to still be tormented, it's not hard to see why I crack.

Yes, I have a problem with addiction, but addicts need support, or else they relapse. Not only do I not get any support but my family actively continue to abuse and torment me. Is it any wonder I relapse??

Yesterday I tidied up, did some craft projects, visited my mother in hospital. Came home, watched TV and went to bed. And as soon as my friend was asleep they started making noises appear to come from down stairs in my house!!! What have I done to deserve this? I didn't use. Why make their single 36 year old daughter scared to be in her own home??

They are nasty pieces of work and all you've done is enable them. 

I will ALWAYS have additional mental health problems because of my family. I will always be paranoid.

I don't even want to go for job interviews or to look for work because I come home to an unlocked door. They clearly don't want me to find employment.

So thank you all for ensuring I am a complete outcast. For believing their lies. They are not concerned in the slightest about me, my wellbeing or myself staying clean. All they want to do, is make me think I am mad!! Tough love?? No, sick, warped, twisted, evil behaviour!!

Please please look at what you have witnessed and look at what I have written above and answer honestly... is this treatment normal? Would you do this to your adult children? Especially if they needed support and help. Would you undertake behaviours which only increas their drug use? Would you have your single adult daughter stalked by strange men? Would you make her petrified to be in her own home? Would you watch your adult children 24-7? Would you steal from them? Take their post? Go through everything, right down to their rubbish? (I noticed my rubbish was regularly tampered with when I was stuck living in their house). Would you hack their phones? Read every single text, email and listen to every phone call? To the point where I have to wait until I leave the house to deal with my business.

All I want is to be happy. I was happy in rehab. I craved drugs around 4-5 times in 14 weeks. They know I'm not happy now and they go above and beyond to ensure I remain that way.

They are the sickest family in history. I am so sad I got stuck with them, instead of a family who cares about me.

But, the good news is, if you're reading this I'm finally free!! I've either moved very far away or I've killed myself!! Either way, I'm incredibly happy, I'm free from my abuse and I'm in a better place now.

Feel free to read the rest of this blog to see the other sick things they've done.

Love The Junkie with a kind heart who you all ran out of town.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 5

Legal highs! My nemesis. I assume I’ve had cathinone substances. I’ve tried so many I’m pretty sure of it. I definitely recognise the name. 

❤️ To All The Obsessive Stalkers Out There

Hey crazy mo fo... not in Springfield I take it then??? I’m pretty sure the feds told you not to post your crazy ass rants on my blog anymore. So I shall keep your nasty little posts as evidence, Miss I-sink-so-low-I-steal-from-the-£1-shop!!

Hey crazy ass stalkers. How sad are you???

I’ve blocked your phone number.

I’ve blocked your WhatsApp 

I’ve blocked your Facebook 

I’ve blocked you from posting your crazy ass comments on my blog.

I’ve also changed my blog settings so all comments need to be authorised by me before they are published.

Now.... if someone did that to me... someone who clearly didn’t like me... and I clearly didn’t like them... would I waste my time hunting their blog to continue to post nasty comments.

Nope, not me. See unlike this pathetic, I-steal-CDs-worth-25p-so-I-can-get-a-rock-of-crack junkie, I have much better things to do in my life over spreading negativity and hate.

Whilst I abuse drugs, I also work, pay my mortgage and contribute to society!!! Yes!!! I give back. It’s a much more productive use of my time. 

You however are bitter, twisted and evil. The negativity which you exhume is shocking (Google it sweetheart!!)

You had a chance, to have the most precious things in your life returned... yet again... you chose drugs over them.

So while I’m off to work, helping needy people in society, find work and independence, your hunting around in your shag pile carpet undoubtedly smoking crumbs of biscuit and cake!!

And guess what darling??! I’m moving far far away from you!!! 

I’ve just placed a deposit on a brand new, 3 bed house, with ensuite, downstairs cloakroom. Large garden. I’ve got enough money to afford ALL the extras. In fact, I’ve spend £7,000 on extras so I’m getting £5,000 of flooring for free!!

And... this one is the biggie... wait for it... I’m buying it outright!! Yes... that’s correct. 36 and mortgage free!!!!

While I’ve had my downfalls, at least I’ve picked myself up and I’m moving on. 

You on the other hand... have just sunk further and further down, you haven’t really left the gutter have you?

Carry on being bitter.

You can’t change my happiness.

Laters loser!!

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 7

Dark Market 

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 8

Mental health! Yes I have mental health problem and I would like to thank you all very much for being a catalyst in the decline of my mental health! No, seriously, I qualify for PIP now because of you! 

And I think needing someone to cook for me, be with me both when I’m at home and when I have to go out.... AND to go out shopping for me at the weekend for me because you arseholes cause me such anxiety and paranoia, ensures my claim is genuine! So thanks for the top up to my salary. I’ve paid into the system my whole life so it’s nice to get what I deserve!

❤️ Letter To Psychosis- 2015

J**** S*****

Notes about wanting to change my name!

Nice new name!

J**-E****

Only £36 

Might do it now.

Fuck You, make me hurt so bad. I hate you so much. Do you pretend you’re doing good in case I overdose.

Surely you think you’re doing good??

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Requiem For The Old Me - 2015

Here are some scribbles and lyrics I wrote back in 2015

Old J****

Sadly passed some time ago. She was kind, enjoyed nature and animals and although not religious, had a karma established life. She always endeavoured to live and let live.

‘Coz I really ain’t got shit else and that shit helps when I’m depressed.

I even got a tattoo with your name across my chest’

‘You could have rescued me from drowning. Now it’s too late, I’m on a thousand downers now I’m drowsy’

‘Some times I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds. 

It’s like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush to me’

‘All I wanted was support mum and dad.

Empathy about my ADHD makes me mad.

I want to stop using and want to be clean.

Without Concerta, my head’s like a pinball machine.

I wish I could swap, just one day, our brains.

So you can understand it’s relentless energy that drives me insane’

‘Danger. I’m bad.

Danger. I’m mad.

I can’t forgive

I’m the nightmare you created.

Danger.  I’m insane.

Danger. Fucked my brain.

Bye bye the old J

Jekyll and Hyde, stuck in crazy’

‘Danger. I’m bad.

Danger. I’m mad.

You dug your grave

No questions ‘bout how I behave’

Danger.  I’m insane.

Danger. Fucked my brain.

You damaged it

Say hi to the crazy bitch’

‘What happened to my stable loved ones?

Created a monster

Look at what you’ve done

Requiem for the old ‘G

Jekyll and Hyde, stuck in crazy’

‘I was already at the cliff’s steep edge

Only needed a nudge

And oh shit brain damaged’

‘Did I mention?

I’m AWOL from my psych and a section 

Told to count my blessings coz only a 2

28 day’s, locked up, yes it’s true’

‘I’ll make my demise

I’ll check the olanzapone

Till my suicide’

‘An now she’s gone

No coming back where she’s gone’

‘I beg and I plead 

Down on my knees

But still on big brother

My life has its own CCTV’

‘To add to my mass stalking, pics, lights and shit

Congruent no lies

Dogs, copters, flashing I’m petrified

No love no hugs

Lost iPad as you had it bugged’

‘Don’t have much left no more

Lost my T, you took my pad

My pain is raw’

‘So here’s the truth, got no reason to lie

Thought I knew you, but I’m wrong, shit Oh My

So many questions. Too much. Get high.

Main one, of course. I ask, why?’

‘Tough love. 

I’m a dove

Fit like a glove

But this bitch has had enough’

‘You’re wrong

I’m right.

Too exhausted to fight

I start to like

This crazy bitch, I bark and bite’

‘You’ve creates a monster.

I can’t remember 

The Ol’ H

Said bye December’

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ September 2017 - Pretending To Be My Counsellor

Ok, here's the latest saga!!

On Thursday I got an email. It was from my counsellor R*** and also had her surname.

It Read

Dear J

I'm just waiting for a referral from Sutton and I'll be in touch.

Kind regards 

R***

I deleted the email immediately thinking it was referrals regarding the job that I lost (I could work with people with addiction). Then I suddenly thought... the posts about my suicide attempts on Facebook, disclosing my relapse and despair to the rehab manager... 

So I wrote a fresh email to her asking her about what referral. I said I hadn't been in contact with Sutton.

I sent two emails and there was no reply. So I checked my trash and the email from R*** had vanished. I checked all my email folders and it was gone.

I assumed she had recalled it, and began to panic... was I not supposed to know that I had been referred to the drugs team... where they trying to section me again?!

So I went down there and it was her day off.... even more worrying... she felt the need to email me on her day off.

Then Friday she replied and claimed she had not emailed me at all.

So I got drunk, ended up washing out my old coke pins and banging that up, banged up some diazepam (waste of time, not water soluable and the PG oil didn't seem to do anything) and banged up some subbie.

Went down there and ended up speaking to J*** the manager.

Spilled out the whole story. Said I was worried I would be sectioned as I have two interviews for manager roles next week paying £35k.

By the time I had finished my story it was well past 5pm and John wanted to go home (not that he made me feel like I had to leave). 

He said on Monday he'd call Sutton and see if they had a referral for me. He'd also book me an appointment to see Dr. P.

Before I went in there I contacted my old rehab and checked they hadn't referred me. They replied they hadn't.

Got wasted... totally wasted.

Then woke up today and had a light bulb moment.

Anyone could set up an email and chose the display name R*** (plus surname).

The email I got at first had no email signature.

The email I got was signed off Kind Regards and R*** always uses Warm Regards

The fact my phone is hacked means they could have easily deleted it from my trash items.

THEY SENT THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!

I've emailed both J*** and R*** to explain this. I've asked they check for a referral and if there is none, please do not make an appointment with Dr. P. I will not be requiring their services.

I can't believe my family did that. My ADHD doc uses the same computer system and I could lose my medication.

Fucking idiots.

Suicide is definitely on the cards now.

And D day... no one shall know that date. I will not even say it aloud.

I feel so relieved now I've made this decision. It will all be over soon