Well thankfully since Thursday when I was reacquainted with N, everything has been peaceful.
My alarms have been going off in the morning, my medication hasn’t vanished (although God knows how I’m making it through the month with all my Ritalin that’s vanished), in fact nothing has vanished in the mornings and in turn both Friday and today I arrived on time.
In fact, if it wasn’t for signal failure at Holborn I would have been early today. Today I arrived to two of my colleagues waiting outside, meaning I was ok to quickly pop to the shop to get a drink.
Whatever I have in my house that’s driving me mad has seemed to decline too. Although Friday I opened the door, so a bathroom which ‘appeared’ to be smokey, before the smoke swarmed at my face. I was sober at the time.
This made me realise that I’ve entered rooms previously thinking they looked smokey.... and thought my eyes were playing tricks.
Clearly it’s whatever the fuck is bothering me. It eats my clothes and they’re deteriorating quickly. Threads keep coming out. Black or dark clothes get covered in white bobbles and flint, whilst light coloured clothes get covered in black bobbles.
Last week I tried keeping my windows closed and the dehumidifiers running, which clearly did nothing to alleviate my symptoms. Both apparent on me, my belongings and home.
So over the weekend I decided to keep the heating on, windows opened slightly and the dehumidifiers in the dressing room (the moisture traps are really bad in their and I desperately don’t want to lose my clothes) and in the laundry area / bathroom.
This seems to make it more manageable at home and bar itching, there was nothing swarming at me (bar the incident opening the bathroom door) or biting me.
I’ve seriously cut down my drug use. Primarily as I wanted to give MDART a clean(ish) piss test. However they point blank refused to let me give them one. Also, due to lack of funds.
Apart from a £17.50 smoke on Friday, weed, alcohol and the benzos I’m addicted to... I’ve stayed away from injecting, speed, cocaine and heroin.
I’ve also seriously cut down my benzos. I was taking 120mg of diazepam a day. Then I cut that to 60mg diazepam and 45mg of Zopiclone.
Over the weekend I dealt with major benzo withdrawal and last night I needed on 25mg diazepam and 15mg Zopiclone. I was quite proud of this achievement... although my Psyche Nurse, J at MDART gave me no praise upon informing him.
The major concerns I have is the decline in my cognitive ability and coordination.
However there appear to be nothing which is a solution for my problems.
My symptoms (which seem to be related to being oh my house)
1) Itching all over
2) Seems to correlate to wearing clothes which are made of natural materials. Cotton and wool. I’m wearing a shirt made of man made material today and the itching is focused around the seams which are sewn with cotton.
3) These materials seem to deteriorate quickly, they get bobbles on them. These seem to relate to itching.
4) Black dots appear to emerge from any porous items. For example spray my wooden bread board with bleach and they’ll appear.
5) carpets seem to get black and white dots appearing when no one has walked on them
6) itching is worse at night or when there’s no natural sunlight.
7) it’s definitely in my hair and I’m always pulling strands out of my nose and mouth (still attatched to my head).
8) Blood makes it go mad! When I leaked on my period I felt it swarming at my knickers!! This is also a major factor behind my decision not to IV anymore... well in that house, as it really swarms at me!!
9) Sinus problems (bad) thick green slime
10) Vomiting
11) No appetite
12) Fatigued
13) Bad Anxiety
14) My brain is declining. I was reading emails I sent to MDART when I first had this, and the vocabulary I used to have has vanished
15) Coordination is declining
16) Memory declining
17) Trouble sleeping due to itching
18) Eye site has started getting blurry at times
19) Irritability
20) Numbness
21) Horrible taste in mouth
22) Word recollection difficulties, I was unable to spell chocolate the other day and stuttered badly when trying to say diazepam to Dr. P. Took about 5 goes to get the word out. It reminded me of being a kid and my brain going faster than what my mouth can cope with.
23) Mood swings
24) Infetions (I’ve had cellulitis in my finger again)
25) Concentration problems. I know I have ADHD, but this is super bad.
26) Confusion... often completely forgetting what I’m doing in the middle of doing it
27) Verbal disfunction
28) My cat spends less time in the house in the evening when it’s bad.
29) When I had a rabbit at night he would go in the cat litter box (Mites need water so avoid cat litter)
30) I’m ok in summer time.
31) Every time I poo, vomit, put a tampax down the toilet or a snotty tissue it’s filled with bubbles
32) Things that deter mould and mites such as bleach, ammonia, white vinegar, Windex, citrus and tea tree oil.
The other day I came home with freshly stuck on fake nails... pound shop style... and the glue started coming out in blobs as I stood in my kitchen. It was freaky as hell.
Whilst the problems with my brain could be due to drugs and withdrawal, that doesn’t explain all the other problems.
When I went back to MDART 7 week’s ago I had a blood test which showed I had an infection.
Then I discovered toxic mould... which would explain A LOT of my problems listed above and with toxic mould comes mould mites!
This is the only solution which ticks most of the boxes. I have sever damp in my house as in every room the damp crystals became solid.
The ones in my bathroom under my radiator got so damp the tub filled with water
I also discovered the radiator, which the crystals were beneath was covered in something black, I can only assume was mould
I scrubbed it off with bleach
Mould loves natural fibers like cotton and wool. This also explains why I’m not itchy in my acrylic tracksuit.
If I hoover the floor and clean it, within minutes I see little sparkles of glitter and spots appear
If I put bleach on my hand again it comes up in white and black dots. When I have a bath, bits of rubbish appear to come out of me. It’s often ‘bug’ shaped but ends up being fluff or a bit of dirt. I feel like this stuff, mites, all gang up together and jumps into a bit of dirt or fluff and makes its own temporary body. Weird I know, but since I used the damp crystals, I’m getting a lot of teeny white dots coming up from a the carpet.
This is partly why I was sectioned... as my ‘bugs’ where nothing but dirt and fluff.
Black dots appear everywhere. In the bathroom they’re tiny, like paint splats, but I’ve never used black paint.
The only way I can remove them is to cover them in tooth paste for 24 hours and then they’ll scrub off.
I also got bigger blalso got bigger black spots on my bedroom wall. My mattress was filled with mould and the bedframe
It wouldn’t surprise me if I managed to get blood on the wall on those spots in the picture when I was banging up.
My shoes have got unexplainable black marks on them
UPDATE - 16/11/17 - More black grout found
I’ve discovered my toilet, dishwasher and washing machine are all leaking.
My blinds in the bedroom were dripping with water
I have loads of loose threads which have suddenly ‘popped’ out of what ever they were in.
When I was bad on drugs at my mum’s house winter 2014/2015 I can remember hearing things go ‘pop’ inside the plastic bags you can hoover so they shrink.. Popping inside the large jar I had of weed leaves (for when I ran out of weed).
One time I even saw a ball of hair (from a hair brush), move across the carpet... I was soooo hoping it was psychosis... but the little invisible things I can see dashing and darting over the floor, have swarmed at me when I was totally clean from drugs which can cause psychosis... it was raining outside and I was at my mum’s. I opened the window and they vanished.
The thing is... these things are everywhere. I have seen them long before they became a problem. Just stare at a carpet for a while. Or the grout on a tiled floor. Or wooden door frames... and I’ve ALWAYS seen something invisible moving or darting around. I even noticed it on my wooden door frame in the summer.
I’ve even googled it.. and others notice their eyes ‘playing tricks’ or the carpet seems to be moving. Yeah, you think you’re eyes are playing tricks. Until the fucking thing swarms at you.
It’s everywhere... but there’s wayyy too much here.
And when I inject stimulants and there’s a load of them, I piss them off and they bite the Fuck out of me.
I had really bad diarrhoea the other day when I was in opiate withdrawal after the stolen medication saga and I poured bleach in to the toilet and you can see the contents starting to move. I have it on video... to upload videos on to this blog I have to upload them to a video sharing site... so I’ll allow that for now.
I went to St. George’s not last Sunday but the Sunday before. They were going to give me a blood test, then they checked my medical records and that damn acronym popped up... IVDU (intravenous drug user) and suddenly there no blood test and I was sent to the emergency GP.
The receptionist really didn’t want to give me an appointment. Until she discovered I owned my own house
‘Why ain’t the council moved ya?’
‘Umm it’s my house, it’s ok though, I’ve sold it’
‘What!? You! You own your own house’
‘Yes’
‘Who’d ja live with’
‘No one, I live alone’
‘What!? You work?’
‘Yes’
‘Full time’
‘Yes’
‘Whatcha do?’
‘I help people on benefits find employment’
‘Oh, alright then, take a seat, I’ll book you an appointment’
The doctor was too, a judgemental prick and told me my itching was most likely due to being on opiates!
WTF!!!!
I love that fucking itch! There is never a more pleasurable itch. It certainly is nothing like what I’m going through now.
Anyway today I have have visited a non-judgemental doctor who has thankfully prescribed me a scabies treatment! I am so grateful as I’ve read that helps. He’s also given me forms to have my blood tests done to see if my body is still fighting an infection.
He’s also getting hep b and hep c tested again, which is good. I had the antibodies in my system last July before rehab, but thankfully I self cleared it.
Unfortunately the letter stating this arrived in January this year meaning I kept on being careless whilst using.
I have old pictures on my Dropbox showing similar white glitter / sparkles dotted along a hair strand. And videos of me spraying my rabbit’s straw with bleach and the straw moving. The former I’ll add to this blog at some point.
Anyway I was dreading coming home as N wasn’t there to meet me. As I got off the bus some large man, speaking another language (anyone who ‘stalks’ me is generally bilingual), was just standing there.
He started to follow me back towards my house, but walked past me as I arrived at my house.
Bizarre for someone to be waiting at a bus stop, for no one.... unless you’re a famous junkie of course.
Thankfully I arrived home to a lit house, my N already here, having cleaned my house, sorted the washing and dinner ready to be cooked.
I’ve put the scabies cream on. The GP said he would give me two doses but I’ve got enough for 4.
And the itching on my body.... has stopped... now it’s just my hair I can feel creepy crawling.
Just to add... the stalking has calmed down massively... now I just get the odd foreign bloke watching me becomes accessing the ‘Stalk A Junkie’ app. And my colleagues are a bit more friendly. I was even approached for a chat, when they didn’t have to, as I was purposively pretending to be engrossed in my phone.
One still only spoke to me until someone else appeared before quickly disappearing. But he’s a knob anyway.
And a little of the old me resurfaced... saying slightly inappropriate but highly amusing quips before my brain registered I shouldn’t have said that... that was nice... making people laugh again.
Anyway. Update again soon. Jay x x
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
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