❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 5

Legal highs! My nemesis. I assume I’ve had cathinone substances. I’ve tried so many I’m pretty sure of it. I definitely recognise the name. 

❤️ To All The Obsessive Stalkers Out There

Hey crazy mo fo... not in Springfield I take it then??? I’m pretty sure the feds told you not to post your crazy ass rants on my blog anymore. So I shall keep your nasty little posts as evidence, Miss I-sink-so-low-I-steal-from-the-£1-shop!!

Hey crazy ass stalkers. How sad are you???

I’ve blocked your phone number.

I’ve blocked your WhatsApp 

I’ve blocked your Facebook 

I’ve blocked you from posting your crazy ass comments on my blog.

I’ve also changed my blog settings so all comments need to be authorised by me before they are published.

Now.... if someone did that to me... someone who clearly didn’t like me... and I clearly didn’t like them... would I waste my time hunting their blog to continue to post nasty comments.

Nope, not me. See unlike this pathetic, I-steal-CDs-worth-25p-so-I-can-get-a-rock-of-crack junkie, I have much better things to do in my life over spreading negativity and hate.

Whilst I abuse drugs, I also work, pay my mortgage and contribute to society!!! Yes!!! I give back. It’s a much more productive use of my time. 

You however are bitter, twisted and evil. The negativity which you exhume is shocking (Google it sweetheart!!)

You had a chance, to have the most precious things in your life returned... yet again... you chose drugs over them.

So while I’m off to work, helping needy people in society, find work and independence, your hunting around in your shag pile carpet undoubtedly smoking crumbs of biscuit and cake!!

And guess what darling??! I’m moving far far away from you!!! 

I’ve just placed a deposit on a brand new, 3 bed house, with ensuite, downstairs cloakroom. Large garden. I’ve got enough money to afford ALL the extras. In fact, I’ve spend £7,000 on extras so I’m getting £5,000 of flooring for free!!

And... this one is the biggie... wait for it... I’m buying it outright!! Yes... that’s correct. 36 and mortgage free!!!!

While I’ve had my downfalls, at least I’ve picked myself up and I’m moving on. 

You on the other hand... have just sunk further and further down, you haven’t really left the gutter have you?

Carry on being bitter.

You can’t change my happiness.

Laters loser!!

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 7

Dark Market 

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 8

Mental health! Yes I have mental health problem and I would like to thank you all very much for being a catalyst in the decline of my mental health! No, seriously, I qualify for PIP now because of you! 

And I think needing someone to cook for me, be with me both when I’m at home and when I have to go out.... AND to go out shopping for me at the weekend for me because you arseholes cause me such anxiety and paranoia, ensures my claim is genuine! So thanks for the top up to my salary. I’ve paid into the system my whole life so it’s nice to get what I deserve!

❤️ Letter To Psychosis- 2015

J**** S*****

Notes about wanting to change my name!

Nice new name!

J**-E****

Only £36 

Might do it now.

Fuck You, make me hurt so bad. I hate you so much. Do you pretend you’re doing good in case I overdose.

Surely you think you’re doing good??

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Requiem For The Old Me - 2015

Here are some scribbles and lyrics I wrote back in 2015

Old J****

Sadly passed some time ago. She was kind, enjoyed nature and animals and although not religious, had a karma established life. She always endeavoured to live and let live.

‘Coz I really ain’t got shit else and that shit helps when I’m depressed.

I even got a tattoo with your name across my chest’

‘You could have rescued me from drowning. Now it’s too late, I’m on a thousand downers now I’m drowsy’

‘Some times I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds. 

It’s like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush to me’

‘All I wanted was support mum and dad.

Empathy about my ADHD makes me mad.

I want to stop using and want to be clean.

Without Concerta, my head’s like a pinball machine.

I wish I could swap, just one day, our brains.

So you can understand it’s relentless energy that drives me insane’

‘Danger. I’m bad.

Danger. I’m mad.

I can’t forgive

I’m the nightmare you created.

Danger.  I’m insane.

Danger. Fucked my brain.

Bye bye the old J

Jekyll and Hyde, stuck in crazy’

‘Danger. I’m bad.

Danger. I’m mad.

You dug your grave

No questions ‘bout how I behave’

Danger.  I’m insane.

Danger. Fucked my brain.

You damaged it

Say hi to the crazy bitch’

‘What happened to my stable loved ones?

Created a monster

Look at what you’ve done

Requiem for the old ‘G

Jekyll and Hyde, stuck in crazy’

‘I was already at the cliff’s steep edge

Only needed a nudge

And oh shit brain damaged’

‘Did I mention?

I’m AWOL from my psych and a section 

Told to count my blessings coz only a 2

28 day’s, locked up, yes it’s true’

‘I’ll make my demise

I’ll check the olanzapone

Till my suicide’

‘An now she’s gone

No coming back where she’s gone’

‘I beg and I plead 

Down on my knees

But still on big brother

My life has its own CCTV’

‘To add to my mass stalking, pics, lights and shit

Congruent no lies

Dogs, copters, flashing I’m petrified

No love no hugs

Lost iPad as you had it bugged’

‘Don’t have much left no more

Lost my T, you took my pad

My pain is raw’

‘So here’s the truth, got no reason to lie

Thought I knew you, but I’m wrong, shit Oh My

So many questions. Too much. Get high.

Main one, of course. I ask, why?’

‘Tough love. 

I’m a dove

Fit like a glove

But this bitch has had enough’

‘You’re wrong

I’m right.

Too exhausted to fight

I start to like

This crazy bitch, I bark and bite’

‘You’ve creates a monster.

I can’t remember 

The Ol’ H

Said bye December’

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ September 2017 - Pretending To Be My Counsellor

Ok, here's the latest saga!!

On Thursday I got an email. It was from my counsellor R*** and also had her surname.

It Read

Dear J

I'm just waiting for a referral from Sutton and I'll be in touch.

Kind regards 

R***

I deleted the email immediately thinking it was referrals regarding the job that I lost (I could work with people with addiction). Then I suddenly thought... the posts about my suicide attempts on Facebook, disclosing my relapse and despair to the rehab manager... 

So I wrote a fresh email to her asking her about what referral. I said I hadn't been in contact with Sutton.

I sent two emails and there was no reply. So I checked my trash and the email from R*** had vanished. I checked all my email folders and it was gone.

I assumed she had recalled it, and began to panic... was I not supposed to know that I had been referred to the drugs team... where they trying to section me again?!

So I went down there and it was her day off.... even more worrying... she felt the need to email me on her day off.

Then Friday she replied and claimed she had not emailed me at all.

So I got drunk, ended up washing out my old coke pins and banging that up, banged up some diazepam (waste of time, not water soluable and the PG oil didn't seem to do anything) and banged up some subbie.

Went down there and ended up speaking to J*** the manager.

Spilled out the whole story. Said I was worried I would be sectioned as I have two interviews for manager roles next week paying £35k.

By the time I had finished my story it was well past 5pm and John wanted to go home (not that he made me feel like I had to leave). 

He said on Monday he'd call Sutton and see if they had a referral for me. He'd also book me an appointment to see Dr. P.

Before I went in there I contacted my old rehab and checked they hadn't referred me. They replied they hadn't.

Got wasted... totally wasted.

Then woke up today and had a light bulb moment.

Anyone could set up an email and chose the display name R*** (plus surname).

The email I got at first had no email signature.

The email I got was signed off Kind Regards and R*** always uses Warm Regards

The fact my phone is hacked means they could have easily deleted it from my trash items.

THEY SENT THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!

I've emailed both J*** and R*** to explain this. I've asked they check for a referral and if there is none, please do not make an appointment with Dr. P. I will not be requiring their services.

I can't believe my family did that. My ADHD doc uses the same computer system and I could lose my medication.

Fucking idiots.

Suicide is definitely on the cards now.

And D day... no one shall know that date. I will not even say it aloud.

I feel so relieved now I've made this decision. It will all be over soon

❤️ How Low Can They Go!!!

Clearly, they must be very ashamed of their behaviour. Otherwise why would over 200 posts detailing... my ahmmm.... has psychosis be deleted?

Surely as it’s ‘psychosis’ none of the events will correlate with their annual leave / days off work.

Coz this is all in my head... isn’t it???

Well thankfully I’ve recovered my 200 posts. This is my fucking journal. Of my life.

But deleting the posts, along with my phone being hacked by a Samsung, only makes them appear even more guilty and cruel.

You cannot hide your sick behaviour for ever! You made this too big yourselves.

You have dug the graves. Lie in them mother fuckers. 

And you know the time is coming close..., look who follows me on Twitter... a lot of TV casting people, a lot of book publishers.

Tick tock, tick tock.... 😆

Should have kept MY problem private hur? Could have abused and tortured me as much as you liked then, couldn’t you.

But you made me famous. You’ve utilised God only knows how many people. When I take you to court, there will be SOOOO many people involved. Are they all gonna put their hand on the bible / Koran etc. And lie for you? 

Especially when they here what you do to me in my own home.

Congratulations on being the most disgusting parents in the world.

425 posts including drafts.

❤️ To Publish Or Not To Publish??

Ok readers, whether your a one off (please have a read of some of my other posts), or a regular reader...

I’ve had a Twitter follower ask me to send my blog to their manager...

Of course, it would need to make me enough money and publicity to quit my job. I’d love to retain as a Drugs Counsellor and help others.

Coming clean would mean I could tell the truth, and with the whole nation knowing, staying clean would no longer  be a choice... I’d have to.

Comment below! Let me know what you think... would you be interested? Am I just a junkie filling your time with my crazy tales, or could my story save others? 

Would I be ridiculed, or receive empathy and understanding.

Would I raise awareness of ADHD, addiction and mental health, or look like a twat...

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ A Sad But Necessary Change

Ok, I don’t want to go home. N has left. Which is probably a good thing given his jealousy and the explosive anger which accompanies it.

But now I’m going to be alone.

In that house.

And that means tormented constantly.

But I have no life other than being with N, when N was there. Every time I had guests over, N would find a reason to start a massive argument.

Normally at 4am causing my neighbours grief.

This weekend a couple who we used to meet up with and use with came over. I’m pretty sure they wanted to see me again as they can’t bang themselves up, so I have to do it for them.

Anyway K and her partner S came over. We got coke and white.

S was really drunk and being a bit of a twat, but it wasn’t bothering me. K was not happy.

Anyway after a large hit S went outside as he was feeling fucked. We took it in turns to check on him. He started flirting badly saying how fit I was. I accepted the compliment but told him to shut up!

As the night progresses N naturally started to notice S was flirting with me. Of course I was flirting back (well according to N! S is white and I don’t find white guys attractive, so personally this is a real insult to me!)

I needed to email my surveyor my bank statement and proof of addesss, so I was trying to take a photo of a recent letter. Wanting to keep the shadow of my phone off the letter I moved so I was standing in between where N and S was sitting.

S was clearly staring at my arse so N pushed me and then pushed the letter as I tried to photo it. Thinking he was just messing around, I took the letter and went to the hall to take the photo. 

Queue N kicking off. I returned to an argument. Everyone thought N was being unreasonable, not just me. 

Then I went outside unable to deal with N and the trouble he was causing. I’ve literally had my girlfriend R over twice and K & S this one time, and each time N has found a reason to kick off.

S came and joined me outside and told me he had pretended to grab my arse, which is why N kicked off. He then tried to kiss me.

I pushed him away and called N. Told N what had just happened and that I wanted them gone. Was accused of flirting with S, which definitely wasn’t the case, as Trust me, K would have noticed.

I booked and paid for them to get an Uber just to get rid of them.

Anyway, the end of it was - N has to leave. I cannot have any friends bar N. Well it feels that way. 

He’s NOT my boyfriend, and it’s NOT justifiable the way he acts. I’ve also been thinking what happens if I do meet someone... I cannot bring them home. N shares my bed and would not sleep in the spare room. 

So tonight, I will be in that house of horrors alone. The realisation of this is only just hitting me. The whispering and reactions to what I do, will now continue all night. I just had a cry in the toilet at work.

Who will cook for me? Who will help me with my house work? I would be dead without N. Plus now, financially, I’m screwed. I don’t get paid until November 15th.

I’m really sad, really worried, really upset, I’m dreading going home. 

Plus, subbies.... I haven’t got much to last me. Got an appointment on Thursday to see Dr. P.

My next concern is benzos. I’m running out and I’ve ordered more... but my stupid security camera has been messing around. Got it working yesterday, but couldn’t get it working this morning. Making me late for work. I’ve ordered more... but if they come today they will steal them. Then I’m liable to have a seizure. I’ll definitely have withdrawals preventing me from working. I pray to God they’re reading this now (they hack my phone) and can see the severity of what will happen if they steal this package!

Them stealing my post is what started this whole fucking big mess I’m now in.

I don’t know what to do. 

I LOVE being at work. However suicide is still very tempting.

Any messages of support would be appreciated.

Jay x

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked