Ok, I don’t want to go home. N has left. Which is probably a good thing given his jealousy and the explosive anger which accompanies it.
But now I’m going to be alone.
In that house.
And that means tormented constantly.
But I have no life other than being with N, when N was there. Every time I had guests over, N would find a reason to start a massive argument.
Normally at 4am causing my neighbours grief.
This weekend a couple who we used to meet up with and use with came over. I’m pretty sure they wanted to see me again as they can’t bang themselves up, so I have to do it for them.
Anyway K and her partner S came over. We got coke and white.
S was really drunk and being a bit of a twat, but it wasn’t bothering me. K was not happy.
Anyway after a large hit S went outside as he was feeling fucked. We took it in turns to check on him. He started flirting badly saying how fit I was. I accepted the compliment but told him to shut up!
As the night progresses N naturally started to notice S was flirting with me. Of course I was flirting back (well according to N! S is white and I don’t find white guys attractive, so personally this is a real insult to me!)
I needed to email my surveyor my bank statement and proof of addesss, so I was trying to take a photo of a recent letter. Wanting to keep the shadow of my phone off the letter I moved so I was standing in between where N and S was sitting.
S was clearly staring at my arse so N pushed me and then pushed the letter as I tried to photo it. Thinking he was just messing around, I took the letter and went to the hall to take the photo.
Queue N kicking off. I returned to an argument. Everyone thought N was being unreasonable, not just me.
Then I went outside unable to deal with N and the trouble he was causing. I’ve literally had my girlfriend R over twice and K & S this one time, and each time N has found a reason to kick off.
S came and joined me outside and told me he had pretended to grab my arse, which is why N kicked off. He then tried to kiss me.
I pushed him away and called N. Told N what had just happened and that I wanted them gone. Was accused of flirting with S, which definitely wasn’t the case, as Trust me, K would have noticed.
I booked and paid for them to get an Uber just to get rid of them.
Anyway, the end of it was - N has to leave. I cannot have any friends bar N. Well it feels that way.
He’s NOT my boyfriend, and it’s NOT justifiable the way he acts. I’ve also been thinking what happens if I do meet someone... I cannot bring them home. N shares my bed and would not sleep in the spare room.
So tonight, I will be in that house of horrors alone. The realisation of this is only just hitting me. The whispering and reactions to what I do, will now continue all night. I just had a cry in the toilet at work.
Who will cook for me? Who will help me with my house work? I would be dead without N. Plus now, financially, I’m screwed. I don’t get paid until November 15th.
I’m really sad, really worried, really upset, I’m dreading going home.
Plus, subbies.... I haven’t got much to last me. Got an appointment on Thursday to see Dr. P.
My next concern is benzos. I’m running out and I’ve ordered more... but my stupid security camera has been messing around. Got it working yesterday, but couldn’t get it working this morning. Making me late for work. I’ve ordered more... but if they come today they will steal them. Then I’m liable to have a seizure. I’ll definitely have withdrawals preventing me from working. I pray to God they’re reading this now (they hack my phone) and can see the severity of what will happen if they steal this package!
Them stealing my post is what started this whole fucking big mess I’m now in.
I don’t know what to do.
I LOVE being at work. However suicide is still very tempting.
Any messages of support would be appreciated.
Jay x
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
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