❤️ 12th February 2016 - Living On a Prayer

Well I still pray my parents just come and tell me I'm not mad, never have been and they've made mistakes. They don't have to say any thing further.

V

They could go back to The Sun and do an article on how I want detox and rehab. I'm sure the Sun would pay and I could go now rather than wait on the crappy NHS.

Other than detox and rehab I want to be on a proper dose of Ritalin. I'd give my arm to have the correct dose of my meds. I need a high dose 56mgs-72mgs. I'm on 18mgs so you can guess how well 

It's working. By 2pm I'm falling asleep. It hurts knowing than rather than make the tremendous effort they made to make me think I was mad, they could have helped instead. 

I don't know what has happened to the mummy and daddy I grew up with but they are gone.

In their place are two scary monsters who go above and beyond to gang up on me and try and make me think I'm mad instead of helping me.

My dad's eyes give away each of his lies. I hope he suffers for swearing on my precious P's life. My mum just shouts she's paying my bills! Yeah the financial help has been amazing. Having a mummy to hug and a daddy to tell me it will be ok hasn't.

I want my family back.

This is why I think I must be the worst person to live. Murderers parents still stand by them.

Mine go tell the world I'm a disgusting junkie who must be tormented at any opportunity. 

I've been spat at, people swap seats so they don't have to sit next to me on the tube. People shout out 'CRACK / SMACK HEAD!' At me. This is shit too because I was a crack / smack £100 a day junkie and I won that battle.

The newspapers haven't told the truth about me. They don't know I self medicate with legal Ritalin. I don't mind people knowing the truth. My parents brought me up to be honest.

I know they're reading this and probably watching me too. I'm so broken, I need their help and I want the truth told. They'd rather carry on and act like nothing has happened. And of course torment me if I do use. Which just makes me sadder... Which just makes me use more.

I think I won't bother renting my home for a year and trying again in the UK. I'm gonna sell my 'forever' home ASAP. 

You can buy an apartment in the Caribbean for £20,000 in a complex with a pool. I have equity of about £100,000 plus profit. My house is provably worth £80,000 more now. My parents can have their money back with interest. And me... I'll make their dreams come true and vanish. No more black sheep to tar the family. 

I could buy 3-4 apartments and rent 3 out for income. In a country where I can be blonde again. 

So many people were interested in offering me work until they met me when I had blonde hair. 

I'm a celebrity but a hated on. One man even pretended to be deaf when I petted his dog (then made a phone call probably updating whoever on my location once I'd walked off)

I'd never do this to any of my family. I just wish one of them... Only one... Realised it isn't as easy as the films make it out to be.

I hate being a drug addict. I hate myself so much. But I cannot help my brain soothing when I do use stimulants. In a way I hope they encounter more people with ADHD and try and realise it isn't just in my head. 

I give anything not to have it.

Without it my drugs phase would have ended in my 20's like my mates. I still have a beautiful home. And car.

I'm so broken right now and really want to sleep but can't as I know people will be in here removing and evidence I have to prove my sanity. 

I will fight for the truth... But I'm already broken, can never be fixed properly and am running out of fight.

See, I just heard a noise by the airing cupboard. I wish they would leave me to sleep... Not that I feel safe.

The less they torment me, the less drugs I'm gonna use. Why do people use drugs?

Social party aspect I know, but normally to mask other feelings. Numb the pain.

I'm petrified they will lie and get me sectioned again. If so that puts detox and rehab even further back. I will not last and simply will buy a load of pills and top myself.

I do love my cat so much, but I have NOTHING else to live for any more. 

I know it's all my fault. I fucked up. But I though my mum and dad would make it better. Not worse.

I really think they want me dead.

Mum, dad, I'm so sorry you got me as your kid. In so sorry I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry you hate me so much you wanted me to think I was mad so you could lock me away. I'm so sorry I'm so awful you'd rather my suicide than you tell the truth. 

I hope some of the money from the Sun has been saved for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to try for another baby. If not what I leave behind give them enough for a go. I want Precious P to have a sibling. And I'll make sure it's a damn good one and they get on so well, unlike me and my bro 😥

I'm gonna forget the last 3 years and remember you as the brilliant family you were before all this shit.

I'm so sorry 

So so sorry. You deserve better than me. 

❤️ 08th February 2016 - Orphan Jay

Well I'm officially an orphan. Will sign my beautiful forever home over to my parents and get the council to house me. I hope I don't have to lose my real family Orion, Fyver and Fluffy, but the last two are rabbits so doubt I can keep them. 

It makes me so sad. I have no friends who aren't on 'their' side either.

They are so ashamed of being discovered when I sleep they steal any evidence I find. They delete all the emails from lawyers willing to represent me before I can contact them. They read this blog so they know if I can't clear my name I'm gonna take a massive dose of pills and kill myself. 

Unlike every other parent in the world, their lie is more important than their child. I pray to God each night they'll be truthful and do a final article in the Sun telling the truth with me but my prayers are never answered.

I could cry myself to sleep every night. Why don't my mummy and daddy want me??

Clearly I'm the worst human to ever live. More worse than rose and Fred West. Myra Hindley's mother loved her more than mine does.

If I can get a Laywer on my unlawful section and get to stay in my home I'll have a reason to carry on. If I can get a Laywer and take my equity I'll carry on in another country. But they will never see me again.

Gonna sign off as I haven't slept properly got for 4 days so gonna sign off.

Will update you on the other evil things they have done.

Night night my beautiful world. Hope I'm not forced to leave you right now.

Love Jay 

I'm changing my name and divorcing them too if I do get a chance live 

❤️ February 2016 - GOODBYE MY LOVERS

Well I've fucked up big time and I have nothing left anymore.

Made the stupid mistake of ordering ethylphenidate. My Ritalin dose is so low I was falling asleep mid afternoon. Being so excited to go back home I needed energy to pack my belongings. 

Well with lovely N’s  help we decided to order some of the new ethylphenidate.

Of course my parents (who are definitely not staking me) found out immediately. 

Then my brother and my next door neighbour decided to keep breaking into my house Sunday night. Through the bathroom, loft and cupboard under the stairs.

The dad from next door freed the person the trapped in the cupboard. And soon they were all our. Still freaked me out all night. I got no sleep and ended up using all night. Missed work. 

On top of that we decided to get a package delivered to work. My manager opened it so bingo. 

My heart broke it two. My parents even play psychosis when I'm sober. It's not fair. If I stop they should stop. 

I need help. Not just financial. I need them to realise I'm not perfect. I'm gonna fuck up.

Now they want me sectioned. Some where I get no help. No counselling. Nothing for my ADHD.

I want my ADHD treated more than life itself. 56mgs of Concerta and I'm a normal person. Crack and Coke don't work. Ethylphenidate doesn't work. All I want is a spliff at night to chill.

I'm so broken now. I loved my home. But my mum screamed I wasn't broken into I'm just mad Coz the drugs. I'd do anything. I hate the idea of rehab but I'd even do 6 months to keep my home. I'd stay at detox for 3 months.

Get of buprenorphine again and for good.

My home, I wanted to live their forever. I also want them to come and tell the truth  me. After rehab when I'm better for good.

Life is worth it for my home.

Otherwise I have no choice but to fight alone. I don't mind people knowing I'm a dirty druggie buf at least let them know I have ADHD. Least let them. Know it's legal Ritalin and not crack and smack.

If I go back there (Springfield) will also No I won't have the Energy to fight any more. Like Sonic the hedgehog it'll be game over. It'll kill me. Especially when I do you want the real help that need.

You've already destroyed and damaged me so badly. I know you hate me mum and dad please don't kill me

I will be out of your life so you might have to be bothered with me anymore. You can finally have your perfect family. I'll save a nice cash fund for P. Either then that I won't bother you anymore. 

I'm so tired and broken. I don't have much fight left in me. I have to try. But I'm not good at winning in this game of life.

If this you are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry I'm the worse child. I'm so sorry.

Guess this is good bye. I just hope it's not forever. But that is your calll. I need help but will you give it to me?

I loved you so much.

The worst child ever.

Jay 

❤️ 03rd November - Journal

Well I had my ADHD appointment. I was refused my 'normal' methylphenidate, aka Ritalin due to the fact I've had psychosis before and may have it again.

That's really shit, because I never had psychosis, my parents were being sneaky, over whelming, psychopathic freaks and filming me. I also suffered with an allergy to some kind of mite. Like dust mites.

Ritalin makes me normal and stops me using drugs as I no longer get any high from cocaine or crack when I'm on it. I also get motivation, concentration, I do all the jobs I hate to normally do. 

I will never forgive A = myself and B = my parents, for fucking my methylphenidate script up.

They've put me on atomoxetine instead which is like an antidepressant. It takes 6 weeks to work (verses immediate action) and the side effects are horrendous. I sleep for 18 hours like a cat, I'm zombie-fied, I just stare into space out of it. It stops my appetite, gives me a tummy ache, makes me lazy and not bothered.

I'm trying to withdraw from my buprenorphine and really cut back with the drug use, tell MDART I've stopped using, so hopefully the ADHD doctor will switch me to methylphenidate.

The only problem is that means no cannabis, but the atomoxetine stops me eating, I can only eat when I get weed munchies. 

Maybe being super skinny will help me get my meds switched. Knowing my luck I'll stay relatively clean, lie to MDART and when I see ADHD doctor she'll credit my non-using to the atomoxetine, not my desperate attempts to get Ritalin back.

I have to get skinny. I have to prove this medication isn't right for me. I'd rather no medication than this medication. The only positive is I'm not hyper, but that's only because I'm so monged off it.

I'm also having anxiety over going and finding work. As I'm not getting the methylphenidate I'm not going rehab, so I need to find a job. And quick. Can't move back home otherwise.

In tempted to sell my story to a magazine or newspaper. I think Closer pays £5,000 for a good story. That way at least I could buy a car and get mobile again.

Advice appreciated if anyone is out there!!

Stress, sad (did I mention sad, meds make me feel sad too), anxious 

Jay

❤️ 29th August 2015 - Journal

My bestie girl is always loved up when we have a sesh.

She's my sister. We met in detox. K*** hadn't had good friends really before detox. We were mates almost immediately. One my first day she was in her pyjamas, withdrawing from methadone, trying to escape.

Bar her moment of madness, we clicked. Upon arrival search, my synthetic cannabis had not been discovered. We soon fell into a routine of smoking it nightly. K*** was so miserable during the day, then a fit of giggles each evening.

I was disliked for having ADHD when another resident, female, who too had it. She clearly didn't like me. I was more attractive, more hyper and more likeable.

Stoned with the munchies and being accused of eating all the missing food, I texted K*** could I eat her cake. Meaning cake two. Just to piss the bullies off.

Assuming I meant cake one she said yes. 

I know I was in the receipt of harsh words for this (although till this day she denies this to me).

K*** broke the bullies DVD player and threw their coca cola away. I was blamed.

K*** didn't initially tell the truth.

I was closed to being kicked out and all the residents bullied me badly and where nasty to me.

She was honest in the end. I was already heartbroken. She was 'My Gal' from day one. K*** hadn't experienced a true friend like me. Only those who used her. No wonder she stuck up for herself. No one else did.

I'm glad we became friends after.

She is now the bestest friend I ever have. 

She's not perfect. I'm sure she has a good bitch bout me too. 

We hope, when high, to live together.

K*** and S**** in my spare room, me and Nigel in mine.

S**** and Nigel could build either a proper loft extension I could move up to with an ensuite. They'd move into mine with the wetroom.

Or just stay within the eaves, have a balcony and make it a nursery. We could both have babies together.

We want to spend Christmas together. I definitely want that. K***'s bedroom furniture would fill the spare room. Her glass table my conservatory. Her kitchen stuff in mine.

I hope so. I've always preferred friends to family.

Both Nigel and S**** are in construction.

 

❤️ 25th August 2015 - Journal

Hello all!! I'm pleased this week. I've lost weight going from 9.10lbs (136lbs) to 9.3lbs (129lbs). I'm almost back in my comfort zone of 8.4lbs to 8.13lbs (116lbs - 125lbs).

I'm a little disordered with my eating. I'm similar to anorexia, but I don't go to dangerously low weights. I've been trying to walk more, 10,000 steps and have started doing some weights using some small dumbbells my mum has.

To lose weight I need to eat less than 1,300 calories a day, that's not including any exercise, just a sedentary day.

Also, I've seen a lovely sofa in Marks and Spencer I think my mother may purchase for me. It's a corner sofa, in grey. Much smaller than my old one. She bought me four green cushions and a green throw. As it's smaller I will also buy a small table and two chairs, the metal folding kind usually for the garden.

My uncle is making a glass door for my kitchen. I'll block the original door and open up between the kitchen and conservatory.

Also, in Mark's, they had a gorgeous polar bear teddy, reduced from £25 to £12. Another present for precious P. They had panda bears, but I thought polar bear was more Christmassy. I've already got her pyjamas and a xylophone for the bath. Everything in the sale. So I spend £70 but without the sale price it's £150 worth of presents.

I may be in rehab for Xmas which takes away the uncomfortable Xmas dinner with my brother and his girlfriend who very much dislike me. They are the perfect couple. The only thing which could pathetically be a black mark is they have a kid and are not married.

Everything about them is perfect. At least my mum has a daughter in law she can boast about. Even before my big drugs discovery, I was always second best. It really bothered me at first. Especially when my boyfriend's where treated like crap and she was worshiped immediately. 

Now, I don't care. I enjoy being the black sheep. I'm good at it. Even as a child I always excelled over my brother at activities, but was never number one in my mother's eyes.

I tend to get compensated financially. This shows in my adult life as I spend on people to show my appreciation for them. 

It killed when my brother's girlfriend got pregnant. I always wanted to give my mum her first grandkid. This was made worse knowing I could have. But I was temping at work, so no maternity pay and my partner wasn't supportive.

I'm glad now. Due to the nationwide knowledge of my drug use, social services will be crawling all over me, should I dare get knocked up. It's made me decide I don't want kids. 

I'll spend my life enjoying holidays, plastic surgery, lie ins and indulgence. Oh, and many, many pets. When in the depths of being a nationwide hate figure, animals loved me. They didn't see a dirty junkie, they saw a kind person with a lot of love to give, who was looking for a little back.

So not only did my family decide to terminate my career, but also any future possibility of having a family. Whilst I appreciate the financial assistance they are showering me with now, this will always leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

Maybe, maybe, if I can tell the nation the truth, my opinion will change. But realistically I doubt my parents will have the guts to admit what they did to me. It'll be brushed under the carpet and I'll be expected just to forget about it.

It's so sad. Why couldn't they do what other parents of drug addicts do. Why did they destroy me. They decided to make me hit their version of rock bottom. But it wasn't my rock bottom and didn't work.

Oh well, Battersea here I come, I'll have 52 cats please, never marry, have kids and when I die, I'll be found, with my face eaten away by hungry kitties!!

Yay!! Can't wait!!

Seriously I don't mind. I do love cats.

Love a realistic Jay x

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - Cannabis

This was a comment from one of my readers! A fantastic post. Cannabis was my gateway drug. I hope you don't mind me making this a whole post J, well written, informative and perfect drugs nightmare

For years in my earlier youth when I smoked cannabis recreational with friends, I noticed it start to make me anxious all of a sudden after a few years smoking it. 

So obviously I quit, but I still tested it over and over again through the years, as all my buddies smoked it, still was there :-). 

In fact over the years it got worse because I was always repressing those feelings, and using alcohol, and drugs on weekends, partying, etc. Just a typical youth lifestyle where I grew up, and all over the the UK to be honest :-). 

So yeah, I realised when it started to get like this, and I knew I was using weekends (for some of those years) as an escape from those feelings. And every year it started to get worse and I needed to face it, find answers, and there the seek begun :-). 

The point I was trying to get to was, for years I blamed it on the cannabis, and drugs, upbringing, etc, etc, what had caused this, even though deep down I knew otherwise. 

You will see many mental illness associated with cannabis or different drugs, but.... The cannabis is the same for everybody its people's psyche that is different, people's mental predispositions, and that's the same for all the varying reactions. 

It's all fear manifesting in different ways/stored karmas within. The way too release these karmas is to awaken, to go within and investigate the mind. Observe the mind. Constantly. You need to master your mind. Be aware of your thoughts instead of being entangled within them. 

All suffering comes from thoughts. When we are free of thoughts our natural state is blissful. I've watched over these last 6 months or so of using cannabis in a lot of my meditations. I see the fear become weaker and weaker and now none at all. 

Just perfect peace. It only enhances the deeper the mind can go into yourself when the high starts to come on. And nice bliss. It's just magnifying the sub conscious, and the less impressions there is on the light body the more you fall into your bliss. 

Every time we wish harm on anyone with our thoughts, we are only harming ourselves. Don't seek outside yourself for salvation. Turn within. 

Drugs at best mask the problem, they don't heal it. Every questionable action you have ever done has been tape recorded and stored in the chakras/light body. Nothing gone unnoticed. Mind is not separate in this. So just be vigilant of the mind and it's concepts it creates for fear. 

Just look at it openly and honestly, contemplate it :-). Trust me. I'm speaking from direct experiences of highest truths. If you would like to email? Let me know. I just want to see you free from suffering that's all. I know what it's like to suffer, and I know the way out also

❤️ 13th August 2015 - Journal

I can't wait for my pets to die sometimes. Because then I can die. I am worthless. I must be. Otherwise my family would have kept my problems discreet and helped me. Not given up after the first couple of failed attempts. They took my career. I had many exciting offers of self employment in the pipe line before they did what they did.

Then, the emails stopped getting replies. I fling myself further into drug addiction. Self employment would have given me a reason to stay sober. Meetings, events, writing proposals... All gone. Drugs filled that void, although the reason was unbeknown to me at the time.

I doubt I'll ever work in my chosen industry again.

They could have done what ever they wanted to me, as long as they kept my problem private.

They destroyed me. Even if this had all been psychosis, it would have been private. But their get the whole of the UK to make our daughter think she's mad, means the whole of the UK knows I've stumbled upon challenging times.

Before I had a chance to meet people before they judged me. Now people already have a warped view of me. Even the truth would be better. I self medicate my ADHD. Least some would have empathy. 

They just believe I'm so mad raving junkie with no reason for my affliction. No one wants to grow up and be a drug addict. At least regular drug addicts get a second chance. They can still be known as a person, not a junkie, by people in the new part of their life.

This blog is my pathetic attempt at righting their wrongs. I'm never gonna do it am I? I have to fight for everything from now on. And I don't think I have enough fight in me to do this for another 40 years.

If anyone even attempted to breed with me, social services would jump on my back. Watching me like a hawk. Not that I have any intentions of ever having children now.

Undoubtedly I'll have to rent out my spare bedroom. No more private living. Sharing will be a necessity.

Orion was born in 2008, so is seven. Fyver is 2-3, Fluffy 7-8. Orion is my Bengal so ten more years for him. Same with Fyver, my rabbit. Fluffy is his bonded lady friend. Originally advertised as 5 years old, but her old owner mentioned possibly being seven. Advertising a second hand rabbit at 7-8 is much more challenging to re home, than a five year old. People don't realise rabbits can live for 10-15 years.

So, I have 15 years tops I recon. 

Life's not worth living without a family or / and career. And although my job wasn't pleasurable, my career was!

I'd love to retrain as a counsellor and work with other drug addicts. But that's 3-4 years away. And it's funding a mortgage, household, pets and the courses.

That's why, like a naive optimistic puppy, I pray I can tell the truth. I'm sure it would be financially lucrative. Enough to pay for £5,000 - £10,000 of education. Maybe a new car. Money towards my ensuite. This Morning Interview, Closer Magazine, The Daily Mail or The Mirror. Public speaking, events, charity work.

My front garden is large and not able to house vehicles. I'd like to build a cataory for people in drugs detox or rehab to use. Non profit making. They'd pay only for food, litter and electricity. They could pay me or buy their own. Two pens for up to four cats.

I also want to adopt rescue hens. Ex-battery ones. Grow vegetables. Have tunnels underground for my bunnies. Love a real hot tub. Will have my bar, circle patio, circle seat, fire pit and a shed to put the bar in at winter. With electricity. A fridge, and neon bar sign saying Jay's Bar. A big parasol over the seats. Metal flamingos, parrots. 

A white wall around the whole garden. With sparkling gem stones stuck on. Think Spain, Greece, Turkey. Tropical plants. A cherry tree to add to the apple one I have. Strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, carrots, lettuce, potatoes, cabbage.

The loft in my house can be extended into. I've made it from a two bed, to a three bed. The box room will be a walk in wardrobe. With plastic, glass style bricks at the top of the new wall separating the two rooms in a deep ruby red. My room, the balcony over the stairs, will be extended 10 inches or so.  Wall built, half normal materials half glass style bricks again. This time Fushia pink and deep sea aqua. Hopefully it'll be a wet room. Maybe just a WC. The bathroom is downstairs. 

I'll hopefully be able to rent part or the whole house, to holiday makers and save some money. Maybe I can house swap so I can have a holiday at a bargain price of transport only.

If I am blessed enough to study, maybe I'll have a career again. Maybe my opinion on living will change. If I'm able to tell my story, maybe I won't be seen as a monster and have a family. But I am not hopeful. That would require my family to admit I am right about my accusations. They were sick and evil at times. They didn't go about it the right way. Although I was deteriorating and it clearly wasn't working, they did continue.

I only failed at two detoxes. Some junkies fail at 10, 20. I was punished more than what could be imagined. And couldn't you all see, I was already punishing myself adequately. Seriously. Tremendously.

God bless those who made it apparent I was right. God bless those who heard me speaking the truth about having ADHD and giving me a chance. God bless those who told me I was in the Sun.

And thanks for the moments which only prove I am same and the madness was artificial. Seeing the faces in the window and then seeing the people whom they belonged to, two gardens away. The two Scream like figures who turned and ran when I chased them. Bunny Nice But Dim. My neighbours admittance. Seeing the white speaker. The poles used to move my floorboards. The noise of a dying animal, that when I pointed out it only bothered my pets not me (and that was damn wrong), stopped. The people who said 'it's that man's daughter', 'she's the one with the coke' and so on.

My life is uncertain. But here's my wishes. This is worth staying clean for. This is worth living for. 

If not, Precious P**, you'll have your own crib by 20!

Jay x

❤️ My Spits - Bad Girl

This is a way for me to express my feelings and emotions. As my house is rigged with CCTV and I’m stalked everywhere I go (more to follow about that), this is a way of getting my feelings out.

Beats: 

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie 

Lil Wayne - No Flex Zone

Never thought I'd fall so bad

But I can admit

I needed you, 

My very own mum and dad

You Cudda fixed it

Stop shit, stop hits, an epileptic fit

But you switched, I tripped, 

My Life was almost an exit  

Instead my destruction

Entertainment 

For the nation

No hesitation 

I Rose to fame 

Smoking crack cocaine

No shine, no sheen, she's a crack fiend 

This dove,no longer up above

Fucking lean, 

Smoking green and satan's reconvened

She's gone, but she never belonged

She was wrong

Not that strong

Now you have a perfect painted picture 

She's no longer whic' ya

A million miles, you smile, 

It's been a while

Still, there's no way you can reach her

Instead you're forced to remember

Because she's no where

Free from the stares, the despair, 

But who cares, 

No one, no more, 

Say goodbye 

She's no where

Song about needed my mum and dad when they deserted me. Two near fatal drug overdoses. How they were sell outs to the national press. And life without me.

Twitter

@Gemma_Stalked

 

www.thefamousjunkie.blogspot.com

Facebook

JayElle Famosjunkey

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs

❤️ 05th August 2015 - Journal

Today I am grateful for my readers. Thanks for giving me the time of day. Hearing my side, and then judging me. Understanding I have ADHD and like 80% of unmedicated adult sufferers, I self medicate. For trying to walk in my shoes and see I'm only human. Realise I'm not a bad person. In fact I'm very kind, non judgmental, congruent and caring. 

Dear Universe,

For everyone who hasn't formed a negative opinion of me from a one sided story please ensure they get kindness, love and caring back to them.

God, Allah, Budda and all Bless you