26th July 2018 - Journal

I realise I have soooo much updating to do on this blog.

It’s definitely a bit all over the place and I’ve realised it’s not making much sense right now.

I’m trying to get as much on it as possible from my old diaries, as as long as I have it all here, I can get it into order for my autobiography.

Ok.. I’m kinda seeing someone. I know I’ve written about this, but I haven’t posted it.

So one of my candidates from work came to fix my floor. I tried to cook something nice which came out a fucking disaster. Normally, this wouldn’t have bothered me, but for some unknown reason I was fucking devastated.

The next day I went to call him and I was well nervous. The call didn’t get answered.. I know I hate making phone calls full stop, but boy, it took a lot of courage to make that one.

So, Monday, the day after, I email the dude admitting I kinda liked him. I really have no idea why. I mean, he’s probably the nicest fucking guy I’ve ever met in my life. He was probably the only male candidate who didn’t flirt with me. Even when he got a job, and I hugged him.. boy I was lucky to get 3 pats on my back.

And, this candidate I helped at least double what I helped anyone else. Not because I favoured him, but because he needed the help and came in to R***** religiously. He was even loyal to me, when some arse on the project tried to poach him when he was job ready, telling me the JO (job outcome) form would be brought to me.

It took me back to when I worked at the college and I would have students trying to eagerly please me. Naturally I’m very supportive with many candidates. They’ve been unemployed for a year, so they’re going to lack confidence. This guy would be waiting for me to help with a cover letter in a group session, only to accomplish it on his own.

That was refreshing, as yeah I spoon fed them. And some would continue to want to be spoon fed, whilst this guy actually progressed and paid attention to what he was being taught.

He’s what I describe as socially awkward.

In fact, once he got a job and was telling me exactly how many miles he would have to ride on his bike before turning and doing however many more made me click he’s probably got Aspergers. Once he cheered up and was getting interviews, this became apparent. He still does bore me to death using all the technical terms for anything that could fall under DIY.

I also picked up he was kinda inexperienced in the bedroom department.. which initially fuelled my desire to get him into bed.

So he replied saying of course he liked me and by Thursday we were in bed.

And Saturday.

And on the Saturday he clocked me straight. Saying he knew what girls like me where like and he would just end up getting hurt.

Annoyingly he was religious about wrapping it.. which is such a passion killer. And seeing as I had no problem when I was stupid enough to sleep with (or be raped by) N**** and the pull out method working perfectly fine, I was pushing for some fun without it. But when you’ve had sex easily around 10 times in two sessions, you don’t really think about the 1.5 times you managed to get some fun without.

Queue me turning crazy. I know I’ve written some other posts about this, so I won’t go into depth on this one. But by a week later, we’d started talking again (we are complete opposites on the social scale.. I communicate none stop, he would be happy with a once a week phone call). I also had chronically sore boobs. Then queue the funky taste in my mouth. Two weeks after the aforementioned Saturday, queue the sickness.

Pregnancy tests said no. My body on the other hand, that was saying yes. The last time I was pregnant I was on so much crack and heroin, the only thing I noticed my body crying for, was more heroin to stop the withdrawals. This time I felt weird down there. Like I knew it was alive. The mini period cramps. I felt warmer down there. Kinda like it was vibrating gently. I definitely felt something go from where I assume my tubes are, to in the middle.

Thankfully two weeks later I started bleeding. I mean, being with someone (just having fun, I must state) and getting knocked up after two days.. not ideal. And of course the stupid hormones kicked in, so naturally I would have kept it. I’m 30 fucking 7... I might not get the chance again.

But on the day I started bleeding we had a little fun again. I was either having a period or miscarriage and surely you cannot conceive with either of the above right. And, we wrapped it for the finale. This sounds crude, but literally a couple of pokes.

Anyway, energy pinged back to normal, funky taste vanished, boobs deflated and pot belly disappeared.

Queue one week later, I’m exhausted, feeling sick again with the mini period cramps present.

I went and got the pill, started taking it Saturday. I’m pretty sure I’m just feeling weird coz the heat and this old ladies pill stops your periods all together. So these cramps must be in place of what would have been a period right? Apart from tiredness, all the other symptoms could be from this pill.

But I feel weird again. That warm vibrating shit was present last night.

How could it even be possible? To get knocked up while miscarrying??

Anyway, if I was, I would keep it. And coz this stupid device is sooo hacked (when ever D*** calls me it’s red hot! They love nosing into whatever crap we chat about), so it would give me great pleasure for them to know I’m pregnant, yet not be able to say anything, well aware I will be changing the phone and getting an injunction as soon as I leave. Haha! You’ll never meet your grandchild! I know I’ve got bear testosterone for a girl too, so I recon it would be a boy. My brother has had two girls.

You will NEVER see any future child I have with you bear eyes (might see them when I’m famous for selling my story in the media). You will NEVER speak to them. They WILL be told exactly why they cannot see nanny or granddad from my side, due to the sickening abuse you subjected me to.

I’d rather struggle on my own a million times over, than ever come to you for help. It would probably be a great incentive to sort out my life, succeed and make a lot of money (sell my story about how you abused me for no good damn reason!)

So, me and D***... he’s adamant he doesn’t want a relationship.. well he was in the first instance. I actually recon me living 300 miles away would actually make the perfect relationship for him. He would only see me when it’s been planned and scheduled into his busy time table.

Yet... whilst he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s kinda jealous about the fun me and my girl have. He even made a comment on how I couldn’t have fun with her anymore.. before  Quickly backtracking and staring again we are not having a relationship.

We kinda have a freaky psychic thing going on.. which is weird, as this normally develops when I spend a lot more time with someone. I guess we are quite close though, when you take into consideration the time spent as Employment Advisor and Candidate.

And to add to that, I’ve had the lovers card come up in more than one tarot reading I’ve done on myself.

He constantly notices people staring at me. I’ve had to be honest about the whole famous for doing drugs thing as I have no doubt this is a factor.

And when I was talking about reading N****’s mind he was quick to steer he conversation back to us being psychic.

It’s weird for me, as I’ve never liked anyone just because they were nice. There’s always been shallow undertones. There’s absolutely no benefit for me to be with D***. But for some reason I really like him.

And the plus side is, since I’ve been having fun with him, I’ve hardly touched anything illegal. I’ve literally had two smokes.. not big ones either. And I’ve got hardly any cravings either. I mean, being skint must be a factor here... I’d fucking kill for some benzos. But as far as crack and heroin go, they’re losing their appeal big time.

I have no doubt, clearing the crack heads out of my life has helped. Nothing worse than trying to stay clean, and a fucking crack head turning up at your house at 1am (with keys) and keeping you up all night.

I’d actually stay reasonably clean for D***. Still can’t promise complete sobriety though.  Whilst I’ve gone off crack and brown, I’m not gonna lie and say getting drunk, a few pins of coke and some benzos does sound tempting.

And he’s the first guy that the though of reproducing with, doesn’t make me physically sick. Maybe it’s an age thing.. I dunno. I don’t know how it would work though. I kinda get the vibe, he’d want to be with me full time. Whilst I’d prefer to do the long distance thing. When I live with people they piss me off.

Right, I’m gonna go. I’ve just proper waffled in this post, but I think I’ve got most of the D*** Saga written here.