❤️ 05th April 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

I tell W***** in anger, I think he should move out, back to his flat, that way, if he goes out, I won’t be worrying about him.

I won’t care what time he comes home.

He tells me he’s going out with J***. I go to mum’s.

When I return I notice some of this stuff has gone, check clothes, gone. Check toiletries, gone. 

I realise the implications of my actions and break into tears.

Are we over?

Decide to get loaded. Numb my pain. Stop my heart aching. Today is a very sad day. 

❤️ THEY HAVE BEEN DELETING MY POSTS!!

Found two which have vanished from my blog!

❤️ Mockingbird Eminem - My Lyrics - 2015

Ok, for those of you who don’t know, I’ve in the last 5 years, got into spitting.

That’s rapping to hip hop for those who aren’t familiar with the colloquial language.

And, as it happens. I’m not too bad.

Obviously I’m better when I can prepare my lyrics, but  I can freestyle too.

Here’s my lyrics to Eminem’s Mocking Bird. A song which sends stabbing pain through my heart because I wish my daddy still loved me.

‘I know you miss your mum,

And I know you miss your dad,

But they’ve gone, and so has the family you once had.

They can see you cry

And get high

Their solution was to lie

You will never have the truth

Even though you have bear proof 

Started off kinda small

After you had a fall

But you couldn’t make that change 

Soon became a household name 

Sold your soul

To the Sun

To the press 

No longer do you impress 

Now your life is a mess

The solution equals death 

You still hope, you’ll be saved 

You were wrong, drugs you craved

Wanted love, so misbehaved

They got you Sectioned

Still not phased

But now you cannot take much more

You watch them walk, past your door

Looking at their mobile phone

Watching you, sob alone

And you wish they had some shame

Coz they are the cause of your pain

Can’t rewind, but you can change

And be a family once again’

My family know this, but should they ever be honest, I’ll sell my house, quit my job and pay for 6 months rehab.

And do it properly.

I’d love my family back.

But I have a feeling, I’ll either commit suicide and my friends will make sure the press get my blog, or I’ll eventually sell my story and go it alone.

Like a optimistic puppy, I still prey and hope they’ll tell the truth.

Deep down, I know their shame and guilt means they won’t.

I miss my mum and dad. From 1981 to 2014.

RIP.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 08th May 2017 - Journal

God I cannot take life anymore. Everything is getting too much. This house is suffocating me. It’s slowly but surely killing me. Very soon I shall pass the point of no return. Once that is reached I’ll never be happy again. 

I hate this house and everything in it. If I do have the courage to end my life, this isn’t suicide.

They murder me. Right now I’m grossly fat due to the abundance of beige food they buy. They love beige food. As long as it’s filled with sugar, fat, artificial colouring and preservatives and has no nutritional value they love it. 

I am sick to death of them cooking the pile of small I’m served daily, otherwise known as dinner. And if I do fancy indulging in their speciality, beige food, instead of chips and beans, I’ll get some overly salty chicken and a rank packet of yellow rice)

I hate yellow microwave rice.

When I fancy a salad, I’ll get 1/4 of some foul meat pie. I don’t eat the pastry so, I’ll have two pieces of meat. With beige.

That man buys nasty cheap food. When there’s nice food, M&S chicken, which would have made a lovely dinner, he cooks it, eats half for a snack and leaves the rest on the side to dry out.

Leaving mounds of cheap, past their sell buy date, pies to decompose in the fridge.

I am so trapped in this room. I can’t organise anything. It’s stressing me out 

❤️ 06th January 2010 - Journal

There was no great snow today so had to go to work.

Feel so good as I haven’t been putting shit in me.

It’s great, I’ve got energy and no depression. 

It’s damn hard trying to motivate myself to do the boring things in life.

(I must have been coming off heroin. Although I wasn’t properly suffering as I went on to subbies full time)

❤️ 23rd March 2018 - SPOTTED A BANKSY

Spotted a Banksy on Friday after work

❤️ What My ‘Loving’ Family Do - Big Up To You For Supporting The Wankers!!!!

Just to up date you all on these nasty pieces of shit and also a big thank you for supporting their trail of destruction!!!

So... last night... NO DRUGS AND NO ALCOHOL. But as I’ve mentioned before, this isn’t a campaign to get me clean. This is a campaign to push me to kill my self!!!!!

So, neither of my two alarms woke me up this morning. My friend’s phone didn’t wake him either. But his phone ringing woke me... at 8.20am. 

My phone had been snoozing... all by itself... and the alarm tone continued when I was finally awake.

For a normal person, this would be fucking bizarre. When you have a family trying to destroy you, this is normal.

Number 2.... my Concerta disappeared!!!! It better be at home or the police will be called.

Finally re-set my Cubit (bit coin) account, sent money to Dream Market account. I have bought the most dodgy benzos recently..... they’re definitely cut with all sorts of shit.

I’m blacking out when I consume alcohol, Zopiclone styleee (benzos are quite fun when mixed with a small amount of alcohol, Zopiclone makes you black out. To black out on benzos you need to be very drunk and consume quite a bit).

Anyway after I swapped from these shitty tablets to proper pharmacy ones, I was able to dramatically cut my dosage right down. Things like my memory improved and the cloud in my head, which was effecting my day to day cognitive ability began to evaporate.

I attempted to re-purchase the decent, pharmacy grade benzos, but the seller was on holiday. Due to my money being stolen from my account last time and my order ‘vanishing’, I did, under no circumstances, want to linger around and find a decent replacement.

So, wanting to purchase quick, I went into my order history and clicked on the dodgy benzo guy’s page and bought them. 

They’re so cheap, they cost £25 for 100 tablets. They are not good for you though.

My family are WELL aware my drugs psychiatrist has told me I am not to suddenly stop taking them and if I do run out I am to do to A&E.

Why would they steal the money I had in my account to purchase diazepam?

Why would they cancel / steal my order?

Surely they want me to withdraw and stop taking them?

As I’ve said... THIS CAMPAIGN IS NOT ABOUT THE DRUGS 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 2

Prescription drugs I’ve used. 

Atomoextine is the non-stimulant ADHD medication I was forced to go on before they put me back on Concerta. I was forced to use it for 3 months. It gave me such bad anxiety I had to start taking a beta blocker called Propranolol. I knew there was no way I’d be prescribed the other medication for anxiety which is benzodiazepines. 

I also got one of the really rare side effects from it, which is menstrual bleeding. So basically I was on a 3 month period. 

Buprenorphine is subutex or subbies. I’m prescribed that.

Benzos - as you know I’m addicted to these. Started using thanks to these wankers and the anxiety they cause me constantly... I mean, they would and still do, abuse me whether I’m clean or sober. Their abuse did and still does, cause me huge amounts of anxiety.

Adderall was purchased from Dream Market. Although I abused this (used intravenously), and this medication was not legit, it felt AMAZING!!! I did NOT get high. Far from it. It was like when I first took Concerta. On the 1-2 days I used this, I did not have the crippling anxiety I was plagued with. I used this not long after losing my job. It breaks my heart that bad in June, just pre ‘The Most Stupid Mistake I’ve Made In My Career’ my ADHD psyche refused to let me try the last ADHD med in the UK which is amphetamine based (Ritalin is methylphenidate, not amphetamine), as she was still judging me on my past. This was another huge influence in the big fuck up I made.

Methadone - actually about 16 months ago. Pre-rehab.

Methylphenidate - Ritalin / Concerta. Prescribed.

Modafinil - for narcolepsy... also supposed to work for ADHD... this was February this year. As my Concerta was failing me, I was desperately looking for anything that helped my meds work better and keep me from illegal drug use / self medication.

Opiate pain killers - only prescription codeine, 15-30mgs

Tramodol - prescribed when I was in hospital.

Zopiclone - purchased and given by my family (LOL... that makes them enablers!! 😁)

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Mockingbird Eminem - My Lyrics - 2017

I remember back one day 

When we were in the lemon

You were there

So was I

But you were acting really dark

So I called out your name

Said it over and again

But you clearly had no shame

And I know you felt my pain 

Coz you fucked up really bad

Eternally I will be sad

❤️ 09th January 2010 - Journal

Supposed to see Z**** today but my smoking hangover (crack and heroin) was too bad.

Just went to mum and dad’s for a Chinese 

(This was when I was a proper crack / snack head but because I kept my problems hidden from them and to myself they still treated me as if they loved me, like a decent human being)