16th January 2018 - Email To My Girl!

I’m tempted to move far from London, be mortgage free and need NO JOB

On 15 Jan 2018, at 11:44 pm, R**** wrote

How are you babydoll?? xxx miss u xxx

On Mon, Dec 25, 2017 at 8:51 PM, Jay wrote

Arrhhhh!!! Was talking to N** about this yesterday!!

Wrote this post about you 

http://thefamousjunkie. blogspot.com/2017/12/22nd- december-2017-journal.html

This has a bit about you too

http://thefamousjunkie. blogspot.com/2017/12/merry- xmas.html

On 24 Dec 2017, at 9:06 am, R*** wrote:

or I will have to run down in th pitch black and sit in the freezing cold in a poly tunnel in the middle of the nite and I'm so scared of the dark but my love for u lit my darkness babe overshadowed my fear .dont ever think again for one second I don't wanna see u. don't wanna hear that kinds of talk again u hot blonde tanned crazy bitch OKKKKKK CAPICHE

On Sun, Dec 24, 2017 at 9:03 AM, R****

p.s. don't watch the lion king or girl interrupted at such a fragile and volatile time of the year

On Sun, Dec 24, 2017 at 9:03 AM, R****

im gonna go get a replacement sim today babe coz u broke my heart saying u can't even call me. try my number later if u still have the first one I ever gave u its end 013 I think. can take like 24 hour to work I think init but text coz gonna be a cheap one so no watsapp

On Sun, Dec 24, 2017 at 3:48 AM, R****

OIIIII U NUTTER !!! don't be ridiculous!!! first out let me just say don't use REAL NAME everyone knows me as REAL NAME too!!! this is not about me I don't care babe about all that!! just not any my name not REAL NAME thats even worse!!! not about that babe!!! I have no phone babe !!! snapped it in half!!! gave away my other one to homeless people and snapped the sim±! nutter that I am.  I always wanna be associated wit u babe! I fucking LOVE you like real love babe x I just dont wanna be recognisable! not to do wit u babe its about myself. I'm a paranoid motherfucker too remember! just peace of mind please babe I just don't wanna be mentioned. babe you know its not to do with u I will stand by u and shout at weirdo strangers to fuck off and leave u alone because I am spending the nite wit u. I will always be here for u. babe I'm gone thru a bit of chaos too we need to catch up. no one else can call me either . I quit my job but I will have moneys soon and when that happens I will get a phone. promise u Will call me tho now hahaha!

u always have me

don't be ridiculous !!! I'm just talking about me, it not nothing to do with u. I wanna see u soon babe. I been in a bad way but I'm ok now so lets met up soon and celebrate the end of such a fucking STUPIDLY SAD AND LONG 2017!!! wtf. new one please hehe 

love u girl

dont doubt it

xxxx

On Fri, Dec 22, 2017 at 12:21 PM, Jay wrote

Gosh no, everyone is completely anonymous babes!! Anything that did mention you would just say ‘R’ and extras would be used to play any interactions.  

As apart from rehab your REAL NAME, only people at rehab will know who R is. Oh apart from N** I guess.

There will be no photos of anyone in real life. It will all be created with extras. You can help me cast someone to be you!! 😄

Anyway, I really miss you.. and with all the craziness I’m worried you don’t want to see me or anything.... like I don’t even have a phone number for you.

Babes, if you’re worried that associating with me will have negative repercussions on you and your reputation please just tell me

It feels really sad when I think of last year, and how close we were.. and now I can’t even call you.

Anyway, please just be honest if what I’ve written above is correct. I won’t be angry and I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to be associated with me either. 

I’d love to see you over Xmas. I don’t have any other friends x x x x

Sent from my iPhone

On 22 Dec 2017, at 12:00 am, R*** wrote:

hi babe I just saw this how is everything??? I hope its all true and everything. I know this is all about u my baby girl if anything happens please just don't mention anything about me in any kind of way at all even in rehab or any kind of pictures even blurry x thats all I can ask please. I am so lucky to have my family all around me now and I'm grateful they accept my past and support me through battling addictions. I wish your family could see your struggle and not make it worse. I think u need to get ur truth about wats happening to you babe because u need to escape the madness u are in. i think u r careful enough babe maybe just make sure u are sober in each time u talk with him (relatively init not completely coz its not possible sometimes) so that u don't regret anything and so u have the opportunity to say exactly what u want to. anyway babe. Christmas! can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wed, Dec 20, 2017 at 9:54 PM, Jay wrote

Did you see the email about what happened today? It was so fucking freaky. 

I’ve stupidly disclosed my life to this colleague and I’m now freaking that he’s lying and just playing part of their game.

It’s fucked up either way.

This colleague has been trying to get me to talk about my personal life for ages. 

Then today he caught me going for my lunch and started probing. He said something along the lines of ‘I bet you have some interesting stuff in your past’.

As you’ve been out with me recently, you’re first hand witness to the madness I face daily. 

I was telling him, I did have a mad life, and maybe I’d talk to him someday. He kept asking and saying ‘do you not want to disclose?’ And I kept reiterating I didn’t, maybe when I was drunk he’d hear more.

So then he tells me he’s a mental health advocate and he’s doing this project which is going out on BBC radio and has interest from Sony to make it into a film. He wanted to have 4 people with mental health problems feature on it. He now had my attention as I too, like to advocate mental health. So I was now a ‘maybe’. It would be their chance to tell their stories about their mental health problems.

Finally he disclosed his past, telling me about abuse and the fact he was sectioned. Typically ADHD I replied ‘me too!’ And slowly I gave him some of my story. 

He was very adamant I was to keep things quiet as he doesn’t want colleagues to know.

I said it would have to be financially viable, because I wouldn’t be working in an office after telling my story, and he said it would be, and my life would change completely.

I’ve been saying to Nigel recently I’m fighting to get the truth, my side out. And when I did, it would be big. I would be famous

Due to the amount of people involved.

R***... this could save my life .

This is worth living for.

This means I can escape them and have a future!

I don’t want suicide 

R***.. I hope he’s not pissing about with me.

Opinions?? There’s no way I’d do this and sign a release form, for less than £100,000

On Wednesday, December 20, 2017, 4:37 pm, R*** wrote

Baaaabe thats wicked u got the new phone  !!!!  thats mad about ur fone crashing the apple computers! jheeeeez! love u always babe i am just rushing to complete some uni stuffs before the deadlines ahhh!

peace girl

BLAM BLAM

On Tue, Dec 19, 2017 at 6:17 PM, Jay wrote:

Yeah, the newest iPhone!!

It’s great pulling it out, as clearly the world has been told what a terrible terrible scum of the earth junkie I am and I must be stalked for my own good, and yet I’m rocking a £1,200 phone!! Kinda contradictory!

On Tuesday, December 19, 2017, 3:45 pm, R*** wrote:

HEYYYYY BABE X I HAVE NO PHONE JUST EMAIL ME ON HERE IF U NEED ME XXXXXXX happy u have new one babe x perfect  x x x 

On Sat, Dec 16, 2017 at 11:47 AM, Jay wrote:

Got a new phone, need your number

Rocking the iPhone X bayyyybeee 🤩🤩

June 2018 - To Anyone Who Can Help Me

I seriously need help in getting out of my house, which clearly I am not safe in.

On April the 19th I relapsed and they stole my phone and hacked it. This bring more concerns, as I went to Devon that weekend, and sorted out my new home. 

I have no doubt they were listening in to my conversation with my estate agent. Therefore if I do get to start my fresh new life, I suspect my new home will be subject to whatever the hell they’ve done to this place, to make it so unsafe and miserable for me.

Apple thankfully replaced my phone on the 19th of May after hearing the horrific abuse I have suffered. On the 24th of May my phone went missing again. I tried to call it, and it went to voicemail on two occasions. When it suddenly appeared, it had been hacked again. This time for no reason (I can just about place some justification on the first phone hacking... although in the grande scheme, this was incredibly wrong full stop!)

My abusers claim they care about me. They claim they just want me to stop taking drugs. I promised I would NEVER touch a needle again, as long as my phone remained unhacked (they were still slightly hacking via any WiFi I used). This makes it clear, they DO NOT care about me or my use of drugs. Once the phone was hacked, the first thing they did was delete evidence of their abuse off my twitter account and email.

I am fully aware they will continue to abuse me, until I kill myself. This will enabling them to endeavour to ‘delete’ any evidence of the 4 years of sickening abuse I have had from them.

Until I have a safe means of accessing the internet in my own home, I feel I have no other option, but to clear my name and endeavour to escape this horrific house. Which I own. 

I need to get my story told. People need to know the truth about me. And I am 100% confident in my congruency having nothing but a positive response to my life.

I have been reading about abusers. Abusers don’t stop abusing. The fact I now have concerns my new home will be ruined. Whilst in Devon, I experienced similar ‘stalking’ to what I have down here. 

So they will not stop. Until I’m dead. If I have to break the promise I have made to my beloved pets, and not be their only owner until they die, I’m ensuring people know the truth about me. I’m going to have a good try at being able to live, abuse free! 

At least if I do die, enough people will know the truth about me. People will know how I tried and tried to escape them, the subsequent misery and mental health problems... which right now.. is the only reason I use occasionally and drink.

So.. my story... I have ADHD, which wasn’t diagnosed and medicated until I was 32. I’ve had 4 psychiatrists (including Professor David Nutt), tell me, if I was medicated at an earlier age, I would not have substance abuse problems.

My mother openly admitted she did not stop smoking whilst pregnant with me (she did for my brother), so I also suspect, my disability, what I am being abused for, is her fault.

I fell into the cycle of self medication. Before my family knew of my drug problems, I had actually conquered as serious crack / heroin addiction and the subsequent debt I had accrued. I first became addicted to stimulants aged 17.

Unfortunately, before I was medicated. Due to stress at work, I began researching nootropics and legal highs (2013 aged 31). Unfortunately for me, I discovered their was a legal high called ethylphenidate and Ritalin was methylphenidate. So around April 2013, I began purchasing it. This was the start of my down fall. When I moved house, I was also signed off work sick, for stress. As soon as I started ethylphenidate I was addicted and began sniffing it daily.

Due to the damage to my nasal cavity I change to rectal administration.

Stupid curiosity lead me to try both heroin and ethylphenidate intravenously (March 2014). From then on I never used rectally again.

I was finally medicated with Ritalin December 2013, which briefly lead to me stopping using ethylphenidate intravenously, but I then explored other legal highs. It didn’t take long until tolerance with my medication built up and I ended up returning to injecting ethylphenidate.

Around July 2014, I visited a friend in Devon. Not wanting to use speed, I decided to inject my Concerta. This made me really sick (dirty hits) and she discovered a needle.

This is when the abuse begun. However their malicious behaviour was directed at my best friend, a male, who was living with me. They managed to convince him we were not alone in the house. Which in turned caused damage to his mental health (something which still affects him to this day), major damage to my property due to his drug fuelled rages and the break down of our relationship.

This lead to me disclosing my horrific addition problems to a friend, who told my father, and the ‘official’ moment happened when my ‘family’ knew in ‘real life’ about my problems.

I was now weighing around 6.7lbs.. and was close to death. Within a week I was admitted to an emergency detox. 

As I had stopped collecting my medication, they started my Ritalin on a low dose. This killed me, as I was well aware that this low dose, which when I was first prescribed, was behind the reason for me to stop taking my medication and return to injecting ethylphenidate.

I left detox on half my prescribed dose (35mg opposed to 70mgs), so when I returned home, I began taking my meds one day and injecting ethylphenidate the second day.

I was not ready to stop using. I was forced into detox, which whilst I am grateful it saved my life, in hindsight I wish it hadn’t, due to the horrific abuse which followed.

My family, instead of doing any research into ADHD (having this means you’re prone to addiction due to self medicating) nor addiction (average addicted has 8 attempts at recovery), decided the solution was to make me believe I was mad. When I confronted them on this, they naturally, blamed the drugs. However my addiction had escalated long before they discovered. And none of these ‘symptom’ where noticeable prior to then. Whilst I may have believed this ludicrous excuse if they had contained the abuse to coincide with me having a bad addiction, they continued the abuse while I was fighting to stay sober. This in itself was evidence that the horrible experience I was subjected to was down to the people I needed most to help me.

This is when the hacking and the removal of privacy really hit big time. I was never not watched. And since then, I have never had an unhacked device (briefly with my new phone from December 2017 - April 2018).

They sold an article to the Sun and soon the public stalking began. I have been told numerous times I was in the Sun. 

They used lightbulbs with cameras (I have evidence of this).

This only resulted in the decline of my mental health and increase in ADHD symptoms. They are well aware this is one of the sole factors for me using. Despite this, they continued.

There was a further emergency detox and I was even sectioned (I did have evidence my father had lied to the doctors... however, life most things, this has vanished). The sectioning was a lovely moment of respite!

Due to the number of ‘real’ mentally ill patients, I could easily sneak drugs in, and continued to use just as much as I was on the outside. In peace. No one knew. My key worked even visited me and didn’t have a clue.

By June 2014 I stopped. The abused was horrific. Again, I did not want to stop. I was forced to stop.

My November 2014, I began looking for employment again (I took a large redundancy payment from my previous job). 

Whilst people were interested in my CV upon meeting me, they were no longer interested. It was like they knew I had substance abuse problems.

By January 2015 I had begrudgingly accepted a job I knew I would not like. It was stressful and no one had lasted long in the role. Due to this, no one was willing to train me correctly and I was expected to rectify a stack of paper work as tall as I am, filled with errors. I was no longer on Ritalin due to my substance abuse problems and had been medicated with axamoxitien (non stimulant ADHD meds), which also gave me horrible side affects of anxiety and constant menstral bleeding.

The depression caused me to yet again seek comfort in ethylphenidate. It didn’t take long for me to lose a needle... and subsequently my job.

Upon ‘officially’ discovering my parents went mental. We finally agreed I would rent out my home and go to a 12 week rehab.

Whilst the public hate campaign may have eased off, the abuse didn’t. 

Upon restarting Concerta, and the natural insomnia from taking a stimulant, they abused me.

Whilst withdrawing from opiates I couldn’t sleep, so they abused me. Until I found a BBC programme with someone else going through opiate withdrawal who stated they could not sleep... then the abuse stopped.

I had 14 weeks of peace when I went to rehab. It should have been 12, but the manager was so concerned about me being trapped with my abusers on Xmas day, when I couldn’t get away, she let me stay an additional two weeks. 

They all told me not to come back to my abusers. I wish I had listened to their advise. But I came back, the abuse continued and naturally I relapsed.

I did secure work. But due to my abusers causing the breakdown of the relationship with the person supplying me buprenrophine (stops you using heroin) and knowing my home was not safe, I ended up relapsing.

Even when I found another job, they continued the abuse, stopping my alarm from going off, making me miss work and their hate campaign to destroy my reputation meant it was clear my new employers didn’t want me to stay.

Even though I smashed my targets this didn’t change.

I got a new phone December 2017, but was still living with someone I thought was a friend but clearly was assisting them. He ended up raping me and was just someone who made me use more due to his relentless ignoring rules and bringing drugs back.

On April 19th I relapsed and they hacked my phone, ensuring they could listen in to the discussion I had with my estate agent. I have no doubt they are ensuring now, if I get to move and have my fresh start... that my new home will be equally as horrific as this one.

I managed to get my phone replaced by Apple on the 19th of May due to the abuse. I had just begun to re-sort out my life. But in order to delete some evidence of their abuse, on the 24th they took my phone and hacked it again. Even though I had promised never to touch a needle again if they left my phone alone.

This in itself it evidence they do NOT CARE about me or me being clean. I can only believe they want me to kill myself so they can get their dirty little hands on my mobile and attempt to delete evidence of the 4 years of abuse I have.

The abuse ticks all the boxes in domestic abuse, bar punching me. Everything else they have done. 

All I wanted was my fresh start, privacy and anonymity. 

Not too much to ask for as a 36 year old woman.

Hacking my phone for no good damn reason is evidence in itself they do not care about me or my substance abuse (which now is clearly to relieve myself from the anxiety they cause and the abuse they subject me to

The abuse spans from the obscure... swapping my tobacco for a brand I don’t smoke... to the illegal.. stealing my Ritalin and buprenorphine.. to the down right ludicrous... having an inferior ring made, and instead of giving me a 24 carrot gold ring with 4 diamonds, valued at £800 20 years ago, replacing it with an 18 carrot one with no diamonds valued at £375 today. 

I truly believe death is my only option for escape now. But if I have to die, I want people to know the God damn truth about why.

They are evil. They are relentless, they abuse me for no reason, and after 4 years the amount of evidence accrued can’t be erased by them getting their hands on my phone and deleting my blog. 

Please help me escape them and clear my name. I have no hope left otherwise. I think I will have to die to escape. But if so, I want enough people to know my death has fuck all to do with drugs, but is purely due to the unrelentless, sickening abuse I have suffered for 4 years. Due to my family.

Thanks.

25th February 2018 - Email To Film Producer

Hi M***

Sorry for being so quiet, I’ve had certain concerns and events in my life which haven’t been favourable.

I’ve noticed you’ve been following me since I created my blog..... around The Sun article era. 

I’m planning to relocate to Plymouth. Buying a brand new house outright.

Which would be the perfect opportunity for me to peruse this.

I’d love to speak to you, in person. So one can endeavour to ensure privacy.... and I’m hopefully congruency.

So, I’m still interested. As you can see I’m sorting out my blog as over half the entries were deleted when my phone was hacked.

Which I’m sure will be hugely beneficial to the project.

Kind regards

Jay x

On 20 Jan 2018, at 1:10 pm

Hello M*** here :)

I apologise for the delay in contacting you. I got called for a job in Amsterdam so have been out here for 2 days and it has been non stop! I’m hoping to enjoy some RnR today (the hotel has a wonderful looking spa!) and I may even take myself shopping! 

 

 Anyway I just wanted to confirm receipt of your messages and thought I would drop you an email as you may find it easier to correspond this way- I notice you like to send long texts ! 

On this note, I do have some concerns after reading your messages about whether you are strong enough to take on a project of this scale I have in mind. You have clearly been through a traumatic experience and I wouldn’t push anyone vulnerable into the spotlight. You would be facing even more public scrutiny than you are at the moment and it takes a strong person to deal with any level of fame. 

I never name drop but I do have a few celebrity friends (more Z list than A list tbf!)  and I see the strain caused when the spotlight is on them whether it’s for a positive or negative reason. 

I could be wrong but I feel you have some demons to deal with. I most certainly wouldn’t want to proceed unless I can be reassured that you are strong enough. Worst case scenario you could drop out (or become unwell) once we have secured investments and are in the middle of the project.

I need to put my own mind at rest too. In my position we may have a reputation of being all about the money, but I do have a conscience too. I would not want to be responsible for causing any further deterioration in your health.

Perhaps we can meet up once I am back from Amsterdam? This would help reassure me. 

In the interim, the information about your father is interesting. I’m sorry you weren’t taken seriously when you made contact with the press. I have some rather helpful contacts in the Met. Give me your fathers details and I’ll see what I can find out ;) 

 

Regards 

 

M***

30th May 2018 - Record of Abuse

My iPhone has switched mobile data off and I am unable to switch it on.

(I'm aware these don't really seem that significant, but I've had some kind of abuse for the past 4 years now, so keeping a record of everything is imperative now!)

29th May 2018 - Record of Abuse

My TV switched to the main menu by itself
Heard my brother's voice

14th May 2018 - Journal

Well today IT was trying to fix my computer from 10am until 3.30pm.

I used another computer with AGV to change my passwords again.

I’ve been locked out of my new iCloud account.

They can’t leave me alone can they?

Am w 

B**** was r.  It’s myriad eally cold towards me. Anytime I tried to start a conversation, she quickly would turn to D** and start another one on a different topic.

I still can’t get the stuff I need to sell my house, but my dad magically can. I’ll never escape.

My animals will have to go to a charity and I’ll have to go into witness protection.

I can stand all the hatred people have for me. Especially when it’s not even true. Was speaking to D**** about it. And seeing as ‘It’s all in my head’ he seemed to have a good understanding of something that’s in my head and never been explained to him. He said did I really want to bring up old skeletons. I said any skeleton had been brought up and exaggerated x a million. I had no problem with people knowing the truth about me. Because they don’t have an actual clue about the truth.

And M*. He’s Muslim though and it seems to be Muslim people who are showing the most hatred.

I said to M* if the bullshit was true, how do I work every day. How do I pay my mortgage. How do I care for 4 pets. He knew what I was talking about. He also knew it was wrong. Whatever is being said about me. 

Realised they might not have deleted whole posts, but they’ve deleted information out of the posts on my blog.

I’m gutted. 

I don’t think I’m going to live.

I’m going to get the truth told and kill myself. After doing some damage back to them.

I am already dead.

I’m just a body with nothing inside.  

I won’t go to jail. I’ll be dead. Even if they catch me first, coz they were intent on getting me sectioned, I’ll play the nut job game and cheek my meds until I can overdose.

If I get respite and get to move, I’d like to detox again.  If I get the truth told I’ll happily do rehab properly this time.

But it’s not about the drugs. It’s a game of hiding the sickening abuse I’ve suffered now because of them. My family. When I stupidly went to them, when I needed help.

07th May 2018 - Journal

I awoke to realising I felt super sick. I was trying not to vomit, and knew I didn’t want to swallow a pain killers as this would certainly result in me being sick.

I was already heaving.

Clearly one of my mother’s colleagues has purchased (or more likely is a council tenant) a house which is very near mine. This was the same house I heard my brother, mother, niece and aunty at the other day.

My head was killing me. I had a really bad sinus pressure headache. As I sat there feeling a bit sorry for myself (naturally talking to myself), I heard a sarcastic ‘BOO HOO HOO’.

I was clearly being listened to.

So I then said how I had pneumonia and told my mother and she didn’t even bother to come and see me... and that’s how I ended up letting dick head moving back in and being raped!

She didn’t have anything to say to that.

I wish I knew what I’m doing wrong.

I stupidly let my Ritalin wear off this afternoon and felt like I was going to die when I had a chronic anxiety attack.

Thankfully taking my Ritalin stopped this.

I said, knowing I was being listened to, if it wasn’t for self medicating with substances which caused a dopamine re-uptake would mean I would have killed my self long ago. Illegal substances would switch the kettle off in my head which made me feel like this. And then I would get a couple of days of peace before the kettle finally boiled and I NEEDED to use again.

Thankfully now, I CHOOSE to use.

Before Ritalin I HAD to use.

I said yet again, their congruency would result in myself paying for 6 - 12 months of rehab and doing it properly.

I told them, if they stop abusing me, I’ll stop using....

I was still stalked.

There was still abuse.

I don’t know what I can do to make this stop.

When I went through opiate withdrawal... they abused me.

After rehab..  they abused me.

Yes I lost my job through stupidity when I relapsed. But I got another job. They still abused me and have ensured they’ve messed that up.

My alarms not going off, and me being late... just makes my colleagues hate me even more.

All I have ever wanted is to be liked and to make them happy.

No matter what I do on earth, the abuse will never stop. They care more about trying to preserve the fabricated ideology that they are ‘caring’ parents than they do about me, or my sobriety.

They could stop. They could make a slight attempt to redeem themselves. They’ll never stop.

They’ve destroyed my career. When you’ve taken from society (drugs counselling, detox, rehab) a person like me wants to give back. My job is helping disadvantaged people secure work. And I’m good at it. But my frequent lateness, means I will not get a reference anymore. No one at my company likes me due to the lies they have told to the press.

I’m aware a major referral link to my blog is a news website. Of course, my hacked phone couldn’t access it. And now my tweets about it and the link have vanished.

I found the code for my camera... and my security camera vanished the next day.

I don’t know why they hate me so much. I don’t know why they won’t stop and let me be happy. I don’t know what I can do to make it stop.

The lovely girl who joined the project I worked on, and initially wanted to be my friend...  no longer talks to me and doesn’t reply to my messages.

If they really fucking cared, why would they destroy a chance of me having a sober friend I could do normal things with?

I have decided... as I’m aware I will be late for work or miss work the whole month.. after payday I’m not returning. 

As my career is destroyed.. so I won’t get a decent job again, and my house sale is bullshit, I’m gonna take the biggest loan I can get. Rent my house. Vanished. And spend the whole loan on drugs and my suicide.

I’m going for the exit bag with helium... as I’m pretty sure any attempts to overdose peacefully or purchase sedatives, will be unsuccessful. Still, I can buy £200 of street heroin and bang it up.

I’ll take Orion with me. He’s 10, he’s skinny and sickly. I swear this house is making him ill, like it did Tsega and me. He vomits has diarrhoea, and cries all the time for attention. No one will love him like I do.

My bunnies, are young.. and due to the fact they’re neutered and vaccinated, and have so many accessories, will be easily adopted.

It kills me I can’t be their forever home. I love them so much. But as there are three of them, they’ll be fine. The crazy lady who spoiled them as babies will easily be forgotten.

I’m so sad I have to die to stop the abuse.

I’m so sad my own mummy and daddy care more about their reputation than the life of their child.

But until I die, the abuse will continue. Nothing I can do will make them happy. Nothing I can do will stop them abusing me.

It’s so sad.

But I’ll have a decent afterlife... as I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone.

I know the truth will come out. And my suicide will only ensure this happens sooner. They’ve made this big. They’ve made me famous.

My cousin was a much worse druggy than me. For a good 10 years. Leaving his pins all over his room. Going out for a family meal, spending ages in the toilet and returning with blood stains on his shirt.

I’d never do that to my family.

I just needed their support.

Instead they destroyed me.

And while I’m alive I’ll never know why.

God, if I’m meant to live, give me a sign.

Jay, the Famous Junkie.

04th June 2018 - Journal

Well haven’t been using, coz no money. Still, the gas lighting behaviour is disgusting. So even when I’m clean, I’m still being abuse. 

It’s not about the drugs.

Jeeze those crazy psychopaths even had you fooled too!

Can’t fool God. No matter how much you sit there like the peados of the past and beg for forgiveness.

Their behaviour is sheer nasty. It was NEVER meant to be this way.. I am just dumbfounded, how my relatively middle class, nice, proper parents, could turn into such monsters...

Update... my brother has just clearly sneaked out from next door... L*** was standing by the front door for ages, making a blockade... swear I saw the fat cunt driving a car not long after... (6.50pm)... and I swear the bald man.. who looks exactly like my father.. but is bald.. is my father.

My heart sighs.

He’s the cruelest.

I think he hate me, coz he must have had something horrible as a kid. He was a catholic, so no doubt he got buggered. I recon that’s why he hates me so much, and allows / encourages me to be abuse. I can sympathise. Thanks to this, I’ve now been raped.

I could never destroy anyone’s mental wellbeing. 

Like a

Stupid puppy, I hope my only intention on earth was to be abused, mad go crazy etc... coz then they’re not bad horrible people are they??

I know, like 90%, I’m wrong though.

I’m just a normal girl. With ADHD. Which was undiagnosed for 15 years... and when her 15 year addiction problem wasn’t fixed in 15 days.. her family decided that making her think she was crazy was the best bet. And then took away any pride she may have had left, but transforming her into a monster with the lies

They tell the public.

And they want me to kill my self.

Coz no matter how much I change my behaviour, this doesn’t stop. I don’t get a

Respite!! Being clean doesn’t mean having a break!!!!

Just like my whole

Life (but a trillion times

Worse)... I was never good enough for them. I could never make them proud. And hey, well they’ve fucked this one up so much, if we don’t make her kill herself, we might look bad, so let’s carry on... doesn’t matter, we’ve got another one. Won’t make the same mistakes again. 

How can any real parent, love them self more than their child?

(Dad 

You could saw

Your legs half

Off and wear a fucking clown outfit!!!!!!! I’d still recognise you