❤️ 90 Day Jane

Well I'm a little bit upset. There was a 'art' project called 90 Day Jane where this girl pretended she was going to commit Suicide in 90 days. She got loads of attention, media everything.

Her blog went mental.

I am really going to commit suicide.... I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog (mind you I should check online as I'm just on the app on my phone).

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ 04th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Feel so disgusted after yesterday, so have deciddd not to eat much today.

Thankfully lunch has onions meaning I don't want to eat it. 

Dinner is sausage and mash. Bet they use cheap sausages, so I can't eat that either.

Don't think I'll tell R***, I'm not skinny enough and she'll ruin it for me.

Can't wait for A to get her scales. Can't exercise coz no pedometer.

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

Well yet again I neglected to sleep. It's preferable over sleeping, mainly due to the fact my speed gets stolen or my pins suddenly appear to have holes in them. This prevents me from being able to flag my shots. Flagging is when you pull the plunger back upon piercing the skin and when you enter a vein, deep red blood, erupts into the syringe, signalling that it's ok to push the plunger down.

When they have been damaged, as they are not air tight, you cannot flag properly. Therefore you are liable to miss your shots.

Hence the explanation for the two deep wounds on my legs. 

However the huge patches of rotting flesh are not just the result of a missed shot. I've missed loads of shots before. The rotting flesh was due to my speed being contaminated with only God knows what.

Clearly they did no research into what they decided to cut my gear with. It rotted my flesh, causing deep holes, black and vile smelling. I've named the scars Mum and Dad. My hatred for them will last as long as these two scars deface my skin. That's forever by the way. The following day after sleeping, the concoction of speed I had in my possession has changed again and no longer had this horrible substance mixed with it.

So another restless night of torment and torture. So I took as much pleasure I could in ensuring they had no sleep before one of them went to work, whilst whoever  was on psychosis by mum and dad duty was next door in the bedroom adjacent to mine.

Although I was using my anxiety began to increase as 3pm approached. I decided to leave around midday, as psychosis by mum and dad was certainly less severe when I was outside.

The level of torture and the frequency of torment declined either outside of their or my house.

❤️ January 2014 - Journal

Dear Diary

Ok, today was a massive shock to my system. I'm fed up of Pershore Grove flying into what resembles a film set, littered with extras, starting their pre-rehearsed actions. I'm the leading lady. The normally quiet street, which rarely has traffic, now, whenever I look out the window, is constantly busy with traffic. I'm seeing familiar strangers more and more frequently. Clearly I've been elevated to a position of fame.

I like being alone, I am now never alone. I'm either in my home being tormented, or outside being followed.

Clearly they are fully aware that their actions are nothing but evil, twisted and detrimental to my addiction. 

This breaks my heart. At any point, they could have stopped, admitted they had committed a grave error, made amends, been honest and we could have worked on rebuilding the loving relationship we once had.

But opposed to that, they continued to dig their own daughter's grave, killing the girl they loved, with each shovel of dirt they remove. 

❤️ Suicide Note 2016

Dear to whom it may concern,

This isn't to anyone in my family. I use the term family loosely, as bar blood, DNA and surname, I have no family. The woman who gave birth to me has already confirmed I've been written out of their will. So mentally, I'm clearly dead to them. May as well get rid of the physical aspect of living too.

I therefore have decided to terminate my existence.

Only one person needs to be notified. N****. He's stored in my phone under N**.

My pets - please rehome. My family hate Orion as he cries and Fluffy is just an inconvenience. Family homes. Orion needs a home who can tolerate his need for attention.

Fluffy needs a home with a neutered male she can bond with.

My Estate all to P****. Either sold or items. To be saved until she's 25.

My iPad, iPhone, TV, stereo to N****.

I want to be cremated, no ceremony. No flowers. I want my ashes to be placed with Tsega's and buried. No one is to retain my ashes.

I want the UK to know the truth about my drug addiction. Legal Ritalin and I have ADHD. Even if they withhold the nasty things they do. 

I now know they will be happy, perfect family. No black sheep ruining it.

N**** - I'm sorry I chose the easy way out. But when only one person in this world cares for you, and that's not your family, life isn't worth living.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ My Medical Notes

Whilst in Springfield I asked for my complete medical history. This was advised. I thought I would go through the amount of times I was a 'Red Zone' patient and the reasons why

20/12/11 - Red Zone 

I had been breaking my 2mg buprenorphine into 1mgs so I could cut down 

29/12/11 - Green Zone

No problems 

13/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

24/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

23/03/12 - Green Zone

No problems

04/05/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

06/06/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

12/12/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/01/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

01/02/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

17/05/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

11/06/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/07/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/08/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

21/11/14 - Black Zone

In hospital. Detox 

05/12/14 - Red Zone 

Concern as I was released from detox and I left early 

12/12/14 - Red Zone

Arrived stoned and had been smoking crack after detox 

16/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment 

29/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

30/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

 02/01/15 - Red Zone

Restart on buprenorphine. Admitted to hospital because of finger infection

09/01/15 - Red Zone

Suicidal intention, talking about bugs (I did have scabies. I had wounds that wouldn't heal, tracks from where they dug into me and felt bites. I think this went after hospital when I had antibiotics. However the high use of amphetamines and lack of sleep magnified this problem. I'd see swirls of what appeared to be insects everywhere.... the only scary thing about this is.... I have seen the swirls once.. when I had been completely sober for months!! I opened my window and they seemed to leave the room and go outside... you know when you stare at the carpet and let you eyes not focus... those little specks you see darting around... anyway seeing them sober was fucking freaky. When I was injecting speed I can tell you one thing, they didn't fucking like it!! I would see swarms coming towards me and get covered in bites every time I banged up. I almost crashed my car several times due to these swarms.... but I don't know. I hope they are purely drug induced).

12/01/15 - Red Zone

Self harm and 'psychosis'

19/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

20/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

23/01/15 - Green Zone

I'm confused about this one. Tested only for buprenorphine and cannabis and was less psychotic

30/01/15 - Amber Zone

My cat needed to be put to sleep 

03/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent them an email after I overdosed and had a seizure in a pub toilet and was taken by ambulance to A&E

06/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent MDART videos of the 'bugs'. Didn't attend appointment. When I did attend I asked for detox again. Had suicidal intentions.

09/02/15 - Red Zone

Couldn't get hold of me, my cat was being put to sleep today. They wanted me to go A&E for a psyche asseasment for my 'bugs'. Home treatment team tried to visit me at my parents but I wasn't their. Apparently no female beds which is why I wasn't sectioned this day. Still taking about bugs. 

10/09/15 - Red Zone

I sent emails about not wanting to be detained stating I was not mad.

13/02/15 - Red Zone 

Now avoiding MDART, would only collect my script in the car park 

27/02/15 - Black Zone

Back in detox 

13/03/15 - Red Zone

Discharged from detox after they stopped my ritalin.

20/03/15 - Red Zone

After my overdose in hopsital, police are now instructed to section me. I left the hospital because I couldn't get my buprenorphine 

24/03/15 - Red Zone

Now on Sutton Police's Missing Persons Register for walking out of hospital. Told them I was ok and they told MDART I wasn't detainable, when my doctor notes, all in caps lock I HAVE ALREADY BEEN DETAINED. They confirmed I collected my script 

27/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed three days of my script, therefore it was stopped. Police have now been informed. Key Worker emails me as they cannot contact me 

31/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed script. Worried I would be using b and likely to overdose 

02/04/17 - Red Zone

Admitted to Springfield 

03/04/15 - Red Zone

In Springfield 

04/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of mental issues. Mentioned I was with my boyfriend. In fact he brought speed and fresh works in for me 

05/04/15 - Amber Zone

Again although I'm still abusing speed there's no comments which would suggest this

06/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of psychosis. Boyfriend visited (bringing me more speed). Refused to see parents 

07/04/15 - Amber Zone

Noted I go to sleep late and wake up late. That's due to the speed and benzos I was taking in there. I also had weed and would smoke a nightly spliff when the others had gone to bed (bar the one sane guy who would sometimes share the spliff with me). Noted I would commit suicide upon discharge (I wish I did!!)

07/04/15 - Black Zone

In hospital 

08/04/15 - Amber Zone

Sleepy and anxious 

Total 

Green Zone - 14

Red Zone - 21

Black Zone - 4

Amber Zone - 6

❤️ 2006 - Tarot Reading

Your boyfriend is doing your head in! You're together but not together in your heart. He's going to be asking you for a lot. Socialising wanting to see you you're going to be on his mind. You have to be true and make a choice as to whether you want to be with him (the very next day my ex contacted me after about 10 months of being separated) 

Money is really important in the next year. I have to think about what I want I haven't found what I'm looking for. I have to think about what I want to do. I am in a lot of cash in my life but money is short for me.

New car is a good purchase. Keep it locked (this was my first car with remote locking, so easy to forget to lock it). You've received the three of swords which is bye-bye so be careful.

Family member is not well it's all okay even though it's not over and done with (mum diagnosed with cancer shortly before this)

Change of residence (just bought flat). It's lovely I will have lots of company entertaining a lot.  Children adults family. It's a happy home. I have to have patience for my home and finish one room at a time.

Geminis tend to flit and not finish one thing before starting your next.

Saying Clapham Common (a few months later i started working there). Maybe you'll meet someone as I spend a lot of time there.

See a sister a close friend with dark hair. There's a surprise for her and end of an Eire she has to choose where she's going but could we work or men but it's good outcome.

Family card my father arguing try to keep quiet I want a good relationship I can have it. 

Do I work in the media (TV extra at time). Very strong media connection I will meet lovely people I'm an extrovert extra work and is £100 per day but this shows more a lot of cash could be an agent or director this will be really good (got speaking part shortly after earning £250 for 20 mins).

Strong female on the other side like mother could be a grandmother she'll be there for me if I have a problem talk to her.

I must eat well.

I have a good sense of humour but sometimes men don't see that it comes across snooty but I'm not. This isn't bad as my man is the same, whoever I marry isn't around me now. I will know straightaway he is the one. We will be connected he will work in the media but behind-the-scenes he will come to me not me to him.

❤️ 2006 - Angel Cards

Quiet time need to look at myself. Need to realise what I want to do, who I want to be with. I have to be strong and stand my ground.

Learn to say no don't let people walk all over me! If I do this I will have a quiet time don't be soft.

❤️ 10th April - 17th April 2015 - MEET THE JUNKETTES!!!! Part 1

These were the first Junkettes I captured. I started on the day I had left from Springfield psychiatric secure ward. You'll start noticing some similar reactions to me. 

1) Phone alert or photo

2) Track Mark Watch

3) Anxiety

4) After initial spotting me and completing either 1 or 2, try super hard to avoid the natural reaction of looking at me. As by now I'm aware of you. 

Most likely I'm taunting you too. Don't start buddy, how do you think 1000's of people doing this to one little, skinny, single, female feels?

You scared the fuck out of me initially, to the point upon discovering my iPad was how hundreds of strange men seemed to know my location, late at night, many with vicious dogs in tow, I abandoned it. My iPad 3 with 32gb. 

So hell yea, you react to me, I'm being mean in return. 

Firstly my tube 5buddies.

Northern Line - Stockwell - Morden

Victoria Line - Stockwell - Brixton

*fat legs. Maybe focusing on your health rather than destroying the life of someone who's done you no harm

* classic avoidance technique

❤️ 05th July 2017 - Journal

So this is it. I hope to fill this blog up but I can't take anymore. I was considering to fight. Fight for my life, fight for my job. Apparently even Reed (Who I worked for W at my job), said I should appeal.

Yesterday K was here. He 'was' going to support me with my appeal. D wants me back, the MD aonly gives a shit as to whether I was good at my job. It's only A and R (whom I cannot understand his dislike to me?). K Will soon be manager not A. My referral agencies and candidates want me back. And I was going to play the disability card! Big time! I wanted my job back. I reckon I was in with a decent chance. If a diabetic Paul insolation it would have been okay. Not my fault my medication is seen as a class B drug. Can't do shit without it.

Anyway if I didn't fuck N off and make me paranoid of my own home, none of this would've happened.

But whatever, this is the last thing I'll write so it needs to be more poignant.

So - with me - i'm an organ donor.  Please use everything. It makes me quite happy knowing my death could save 10 to 20 lives.

Funeral - don't want anything fancy. Cheapest coffin. No flowers. Donations to the Blue Cross or RSPCA. Linkin Park Numb, Eminem Headlights, When I'm Gone, Mockingbird, Donny Darko's Mad World and Eagle Eyed Cherry Save Tonight and The Smiths Asleep needs to be played 

Please invite

- N

- R (and her twin L)

- K (work)

- Z old friend 

- JK, old friend 

- S from Newcastle

- A from Newcastle 

- K from rehab

- B from rehab

- N from rehab

- J - Longreach Manager

- Counsellors from rehab

- D cook from rehab

- R from Merton Engage

- J from Merton Engage 

- O from Merton Engage

- A from Merton Engage

- V from Merton Engage

- S client at Merton Engage

- B client at Merton Engage

- Kate Beniston from detox

- S, Kate's boyfriend 

- K, N’s brother

- B, N’s girlfriend 

- H, old friend 

- L, Social Worker from Sutton Council

-  M, friend from Mitcham 

- S from rehab

Anyway I can't take anymore. Yesterday was great, I was with K, so they couldn't do shit. I felt great. Even though I had banged up Adderall and smoked a rock of crack I had left in my wallet from the night before. I slept well. There was no shit (well a tiny bit of whispering when I was upstairs alone changing the bed covers). But they couldn't do their shit in front of him. So it was nice and I felt like I wanted a life. I was up for fighting. And seeing as so many people said I should appeal, I recon I was in with a good chance.

I want to sunbath today. Then get this tooth sorted tomorrow. Go Estate agents and look for part time work.

But tonight..... it's bigger than the fight in me. It's not like I can have friends over every night. That's the only way they'll stop.

I went rehab for fuck's sake. That 'man' still did his bullshit to me! Why? I could have been a 'normal' drug user. Booty bump a little MD at the weekend. Weed to sleep. The odd benzo. And this is what I was after rehab. But that man gave me no respite. He did bullshit when I was fucking withdrawing from opiates! And olanzapine!! Until I said I was withdrawing and then they stopped. He did bullshit after two Nytol. After nights I had been out to drink only, or smoke some weed. He also neglected to do it when I blacked out on benzos and booze, or the nights I was hoovering up ketamine!!

Today it started with the heart wrenching cry of my niece P**** around 7pm. Clearly fat cunt (AKA my brother) had told her off, rather excessively.

Then my quiet road became super busy. Every car seemed to excellerate past my house and most had tinted windows. Still the drivers of these vehicles looked incredibly similar to my father, mother, brother and his girlfriend.

I went for a walk and someone who looked just like the fat cunt, walking two dogs, incredibly similar to the bloke who lives 3-5 doors away, walked past me. The fake goatie was laughable. As was the foreign accent... French!!??? Maybe?!? I still humoured the fat cunt and said I liked his dogs!!

Some bloke from 3-5 door away was also staking me. He went last my house and started digging God knows what out of his arse.

As I'm paranoid I was convinced it was a signal. I could be incorrect. He may have worms. Still this dude was following me. Make sure he's questioned by the police. He's got blood on his hands.

This walk was probably the most life changing. I realised, yet again, I was 'famous'. The hope of fighting for my job or finding a new one, evaporated. My hope vanished. My aspirations for a normal life, disappeared. Harry Potter cloak of invisibility shit. There one minute, gone the next.

My mother, wearing two 'disguises' walked past my house twice. I don't know if she 'forgets' she's lost most of her hair....? The first time she wore a yellow t-shirt. She never wears yellow. But in doing so, she still lacks the character change that Superman has perfected, with just a change of glasses.

The second time, I knew it would be game over. I started crying for my mum. Proper hysterical sobbing. She was watching me on her mobile phone. She stopped walking for a couple of seconds when I burst into tears and wailed for her. Only for a couple of seconds, which ultimately broke my heart. The 'coincident' that she stopped when I cried for her, was evident enough it was my mummy.

She clearly wants me dead. I'm not a mother, but my ears prick up immediately when my cat Orion cries. When he was missing, hearing noises similar to him crying hurt so bad. I couldn't ignore him crying when he needed me.

My mummy didn't even look back. Her lies and her game are more important than her baby girl.

That just goes to show what a worthless piece of shit I am. Just like that day my dad (now known as that man) ignored me crying in the park. 

This game hurts too much to carry on. They know it doesn't work. It didn't work before. I told you (well the psychosis you) rehab was just going to be a break from you. And it was. I'm using more drugs now thanks to your actions.

Sadly it boils mainly down to you, and slightly my ADHD.

The constant surveillance makes my ADHD and OCD worse. I have so much anxiety. I can't have sex or masterbate without mummy and daddy watching. I'm 36! I'm sure you would get bad anxiety too if every part of your life was watched as intensively as you have done to me. So I did what I've always done when I feel like that, self medicate.

I can't dance or sing like I want to. Because you're watching. This in itself takes away so much joy from my life.

My OCD is worse because I know I'm being watched and undoubtedly judged.

I've said it before, but in 14 weeks of rehab I craved drugs five times maybe? Why? I was happy. Even though I shared a room I had privacy! I could be me. I was well liked. Everyone for I was really funny. I was hyper, bouncy, chatty and fun. You haven't seen that girl in years. Even if I stayed alive you wouldn't see her again.

I wish I could talk to you about this, but by the time you read this and it's in your hands I'll have the truth. But how will you sleep at night knowing what you did to me made me kill myself? Knowing you could have walked, 10-20 eight knocked on my door and said I'm sorry it's over. Why was a lie worth more than me? You are the best parents until you started this. Now I'm scared of you. 

You brought me up to never lie. What a load of crap that was.

You lied to The Sun in the first place, so you could ensure as much public hatred for me as possible, but regardless if you are happy to make me famous for being a junkie, why not let me be famous for getting clean. I could've made money selling my story and if I was famous for being a junkie you got clean I would have had a lot more pressure to stay clean.

Why would you rather lie then have me? I know you didn't mean for it to go this far. C from next door told me. 

Anyway I've gone off on a tangent. After my mum ignoring my sobs they all pulled up in next door's car. My dad, mum and brother. My brother was smoking and kept calling 'mum'. I went to light a fag thinking they had come for me... at last! I was angry but happy I didn't have to die.... I re-opened The front door to see C her husband and L.

Fat Cunt was smoking a straight (normal cigarette). L was smoking a roll up. 

That's the last evil thing they'll do to me. Well there is the odd noise from upstairs but now I ignore it.

I finally thought they were coming to put a stop to this.! I was wrong. They didn't want me. They didn't want to save me. They wanted to hurt me again.

Hint taken! I am killing myself. At any point you decide you want me you only have to knock on my door. I hate myself for being so optimistic. I like an abused puppy. I still come back tail wagging only to be abused again.

anyway I must stop writing this but I have so much left to right and I want to die tomorrow. Even being clean won't stop my family. They will torment me for life. I'd love to move, but that takes up way too much time and I can't face being tormented for that long. They've gone now I'll just have the remote tormenting to deal with. The whispering from the little speakers and the noises. If I'm downstairs it'll be noises upstairs and vice versa. Yes they seem to think, rather than taking drugs to cope with stress and paranoia and of course the need to stay awake, that doing this shit will make me stop! 

They've also made me properly mentally ill. I will always be paranoid due to them. And any noise that resembles the sound of them whispering world have triggered this paranoia.

Right I need to write individual letters so I must sign off.

I won't go on there's no point they've heard it all before. They've watch my mental health decline. They haven't stopped or even reigned it in a bit. Even when I have cut down my drug use. 

The only way out is death! I am finally free! I am happy! I am with real family who love me!

Bless!