I guess it proves I am still human and alive.
I doubt I will only get the full truth when I’m dead.
But why?
Why did they decide they would try to make me crazy?
Why didn’t they realise people with ADHD have higher levels of anxiety and perfectionism, so bringing my problems to the nation would only make me worse?
Why couldn’t they just be there for me... like I might not have disclosed. And I would not have stopped straight away. But rather than being cruel and abusing me... why not fight their anger and when I had broken myself (a prerequisite for abstinence), just be there to cuddle and protect me.
The thing is, the truth will come out. And they are the ones who made it so big. So the truth will be big. And they WILL be prosecuted.
In fact I read an old tarot reading which states so much that’s happened and also states that.
Why couldn’t they just be there for me.
Why did they have to make me feel worse and hate myself more.
It was clear from the beginning I have low self esteem. Why make that worse? Where’s the logic in doing that and it resulting in my sobriety?
Why abuse me horrifically for losing my job, then try and destroy my new one?
Why spread lies, meaning no matter how well I did, I knew I wouldn’t sustain my employment?
Why does the abuse continue when I stop?
Where is their compassion?
When did they stop loving me?
Why do this, the one only time I’ve caused them distress?
Why tell the whole nations, thus affecting my career?
Why didn’t they just support me?
Watching their child inject may hurt them, but who am I really hurting??
Why not make me feel better.. like they had before?
Why watch sooo many near overdoses and not call an ambulance?
I actually faked my death once and they just watched for ages and did nothing. When I got up fuming, they actually walked away, looking really sad I was alive.
Why do they clearly want me dead?
Why steal sleeping tablets, which I don’t inject, knowing I’ll end up buying brown and injecting?
Same with buprenorphine?
And missing Ritalin means banging up cocaine or speed.. why would they take my prescribed meds?
Why steal the few belongings I have?
Why enter my home as they please?
Why do things that doesn’t bother me, but distresses my innocent pets?
How can they lose their parental instinct to love and protect? I may not be a parent, but I assume it’s a magnified version of what I feel for them.
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I unloveable?
Why did they never just talk to me? Am I such a horrible, unapproachable person?
Why, when they saw what they were doing was a detriment to my sobriety did they continue?
Why did they have to make public (and exaggerated to the point of what’s been said is borderline fiction) my recent relapse?
Is their evidence that this treatment is successful in helping those with mental health and substance abuse issues?
What is the benefit?
They’re not stupid, when they saw (if they couldn’t be bothered to do a tiny bit of research) that anxiety, self hatred and total destruction of my ability to be perceived as perfect by others, would some how lower my drug use?
Why do they not comprehend simple facts such as increasing the above feelings in ANYONE let alone those with 15-20 of substance abuse issues, mental health and a disability which increases anxiety, OCD, would make that person feel bad?
And when people feel bad, the lure of substances to remove this, is hard to resist?
Come on... how many people a scoff junk when dumped. Cry into a gin? Smoke weed to calm them down? Take coke to cheer themselves up? Just for a few brief moments of respite of those constant negative feelings?
Why did I have to hit THEIR rock bottom and not mine?
Why didn’t they stop?
Why did they do this when I was sick with opiate and olanzapine withdrawal?
When my Ritalin was increased and I couldn’t sleep?
When I took a Nytol?
Why not when I was tripping off my head on ketamine or wasted on booze and benzos?
Why did my mummy ignore me crying for her?
Why did my daddy go out of his way to make me feel unsafe in the home I bought?
Am I really human?
Am I a social experiment?
Do they want me to kill myself?
Why didn’t they just tell me I wasn’t wanted anymore and to move far away and never contact them again,?
Why can’t they leave me alone?
Serial killers’ parents show more love than mine.
But the more negative others reap the more positive I will sow.
I’m sorry I was clearly never good enough.
I’m sorry you had to go to these crazy, ludicrous extent to get rid of me?
Unless I become famous in a good way, telling the truth and prosecuting them, I’ll never be happy. And never be sober.
They’ve known this for a long time.
Why do they continue.
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