❤️ August 2010

Sometimes I fell my only friends are Tsega, Orion and white and brown. My mother prefers Nice But Dim’s company and if we’re both there she’ll dismiss me in favour of her. When my brother gets her pregnant I know the good times are over. 

No more cats over. No more weekend there. They’ll want the baby and not us. I will no be required for entertainment when a baby arrives.

(this is so incredibly true. May 2017, when I lived at theirs the police arrived concerned over my suicidal Facebook messages. The one time words where not needed. Just a hug and silence. My mother snapped ‘next time come to me!’ And slammed the door. Not that I’d ever want my mother to chose me over P. But a hug. 5-10 seconds. I am truly hated by my own mother, for reasons that confuse me. I’ve never done ANYTHING to intentionally hurt them. And never would. Whilst my brother nursed hangovers, I spent my lunch break collecting her from her chemotherapy at the hospital. We may not be close. But prior to this, if any of them had any problems, I would have been there.)

So I’m going to be positive and I’m e noting the time I have. My parents secretly enjoy their part time pets. 

My mum would quiet like Orion. She firmly told me if I ever had to get rid of one, Tsega is too bonded with me, so  she’d take Orion.

Orion is an angel there as he gets to play out. 

It does pain me that my child should be her first. One of my 3 conceptions according to a psychic. I was told I’d have an abortion or miscarriage. The

Former was correct. Only on the other side  be be recognised as that.

I wish I knew why my mother prefers my brother? Why is he so great?  Okay he was once the golden hand, blond hair and blue eyed boy. The attractive one who had the cute child look the longest. Whilst me? I was cute until I was five or six, then I was a tomboy skinny until I was around 11. Finally I was pale pasty and monobrowed. Overweight, spotty and with frizzy hair.

You even kept the picture of me looking hideous and him glowing.

However, I am not gloating but thanks to my previous narcotic and my recent slight eating disorder tendencies, I am slim pretty one. He’s either big or massive, morbidly obese like. At his slimmest a large rugby player.

My relationships have dropped with my friends. I guess when I said goodbye sociable cocaine and hello unsociable crack and heroin I lost them.

Crack and heroin is a lonely drug. Alone or with the one or two others who also indulge. Even people who do not do Coke are usually excepting of it. Not crack and definitely not heroin.

I fancy someone who isn’t into me. He may have twins on the way which is a good deterrent. He keeps blowing me out, which shows his true feelings. I believe he was just interested in trying to get my free mobile phone upgrade.