❤️ Emergency Detox

Ok, so I had my appointment with my drugs psyche today. Stupidly I was using crack and heroin all last night and didn't sleep until 7am. Meaning I could not be awoken with my 10am alarm.

Woke up at 11.47am and my appointment was at 12pm. Got there at 12.25pm.

My psyche and the manager where both at this appointment. My psych probably wanted the manager there as I'm a pain in the arse.

I explained about the mess I'm in and the fact my new job wants me to start on the 9th. I've probably only been offered the role as someone else has pulled out. I don't want to lose it. 

Anyway I was basically told I have no choice but to have an emergency detox. It would take 14-21 days as it's alcohol and benzos.

I pleaded to just deal with the alcohol and let me home detox.

Again, told no. I could die.

I don't know what to do. My psyche said just to lie to the job and say I'm ill and start later. She said I couldn't go to work in the state I'm in. I guess that's true. But it's only the alcohol that's a problem. As long as I get off that I can taper the benzos and opiates myself until I can take annual leave for a detox. 

The only option I was given was to massively cut down on the alcohol and benzos myself. 

So I'm doing that. 

I haven't had a drink all day until now. Bought what I thought was a fancy cider, but it's some rank larger. At least it's 6.5 alcohol content.

I've not taken any benzos either. 

I've spent all day sweating and anxious. Didn't know if it was opiates, benzos or alcohol. But it's stopped now I've had a drink, so I guess alcohol.

I'm hoping the proper work arrives late for this new role, giving me some extra time. 

I'm saving my Zopiclone in case I get admitted. I'll will crotch them, along with extra Ritalin and a throw away mobile phone (as you're not allowed mobiles in the new detoxes they use). 

Told my psyche about the fentanyl, she said she was aware as I had emailed someone. Said Wednesday's appointment was only booked as I was going to ask to be sectioned. Dr. P threatened me with being sectioned until I promised her I would look after myself and not try to kill myself.

Once the meeting was over I disposed of my sharps. Almost chucked a pin with a little b out. Dr. P was NOT impressed.

She also made me speak to my drugs Counsellor and book an appointment.

So all I've heard all day is I don't have a choice over the matter of detox, I will end up dead otherwise.

Told Dr. P I saw my medical records! That I was green Zone for ages, then nothing, then red and black Zone (black is hospital.. detox..  nut house). She asked me how I saw the records, knowing I'm clever enough to easily swipe someone's computer log in and access the system... I got in trouble in rehab for swiping the staff door codes.

I replied freedom of information act, which is the truth. 

Kinda worried if I don't go detox it will fuck up my ADHD meds. Really worried about this job more though. 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ TLDR - Brief Summary Of My Story

I went to post this on a mental health forum and then it refused to post it as I didn't have an account.

So I thought I'd post it here instead.

It summarises my life story, well the abuse and torment my family have bestowed onto me. 

Forum Post

I won't go into back ground, but my family abuse and torment me. They treat me like

I'm a teenager, although I'm 36 and own my own house.

They come into my home when they know I'm out, steal my belonging, I've found hidden CCTV in the light bulbs before, they've told my neighbours what kind a terrible terrible person I am. Why? Because I have a problem with drug addiction.

Although, addicts fail time and time again before they recover, all it took was one failed detox and mine sold a story to the most read newspaper in the UK saying what a terrible crack and heroin addict I was. 

Yes I was an addict... but I was abusing a legal high which was basically Ritalin. I have ADHD and I stopped taking my meds. 

I went detox and they put me back on meds, but put me on only half my dose of Ritalin, so when I came out I relapsed and started taking a double dose of meds one day (my normal dose) and abusing the legal high the other day.

They constantly do really cruel things to me under the guise of 'it's psychosis'. Yet they do it when I'm sober, when I've had a couple of drinks, or a couple of pulls on a spliff..: then when they have the chance to legitimately do it... e.g. When I've banged up ketamine, MDMA or have drunk a load of vodka and taken a handful of benzos, they don't.

They also tormented me when I was going through opiate and antipsychotic withdrawal. Until I pointed out people withdrawing from the above don't sleep.

I used to have a day off my Ritalin so reduce tolerance,

So often, after Sunday off, when I took it Monday (I'm on a stupidly high amount, well above the maximum dose for an adult and I've only seen one person on the internet, who was a big 6 foot, 200lb man who takes a higher dose), I wouldn't be able to sleep. So because I'm not sleeping, I must have managed to smoke away on a crack pipe all night, even though I'm constantly watched.

That's why they did it during withdrawal, because I couldn't sleep.

I was even sectioned in a mental hospital because no one believed the evil sick things they did to me.

Imagine seeing your mum or dad, in a piss poor disguise, and you break down and sob and sob for them, only to watch them walk away and pretend their not your parents.

They've stolen my gear and cut it with toxic substances and then put holes in my needles so I miss my shot. I ended up with two patches of rotting flesh on my legs due to that stupid stunt. And I've lost most my veins.

I have to get fresh needles every time I use. I know I should do this, but any needle junkie will reuse a pin they've used once.

I'll go to reuse one of my relatively fresh pins, and when I suck up water, it won't fill smoothly, but fill with bubbles.

A sign it's got a hole in it. 

I end up covered in blood having stabbed myself 30 times instead of 1.

Anyway due to their lack of privacy, to cut a long story short, I lost my job.

Now, remember, they're not watching me so don't know about my personal life, but next time I saw them, 'coincidentally' they started screaming at me that I better had not fucked up my life again as they weren't going to help me ever again.

Then one day I was sobbing on the floor and 'coincidentally' I get a text from my dad asking me to contact my drugs Counsellor.

So I put my house on the market and I stated applying for jobs the middle of July. 

Nothing...

Generally if I go for an interview I get a job offer.

I got rejection after rejection.

And no one wanted to buy my house.

I knew I had enough money with the help of my friend to last until the end of September.

When their behaviour got really nasty around the beginning of September I tried to commit suicide twice. Needless to say I've never been so disappointed to wake up.

I have to admit since then they've calmed it down a lot.

Still I wanted to die so ordered a lethal dose of fentanyl off the internet.

They tricked me into contacting my drugs Counsellor by sending a fake email from her saying she was waiting for my referral and would be in contact. They just set the display name to the same as my counsellor's name. As my phone is hacked, they also deleted it permanently before I could investigate it. Anyway, even though it was signed off incorrectly and didn't have the email signature, I still fell for it and contacted her. Naturally she informed my drug psychiatrist and the manager of the drug team. 

The psyche wanted to see me, but I didn't get her email in time. So she booked me into see the manager on Wednesday. I decided I would go and tell them they needed to section me as I was going to kill myself.

I had a house viewing at 1.30pm. My appointment was at 3pm. I really didn't want them to turn up. It's so exhausting trying to be normal when you want nothing but death. 

I sold my house at 2.15pm.

So I went to the drugs team to be assessed and explained the situation and that I no longer felt like I needed to kill myself.

Unfortunately I now am massively addicted to opiates, benzos and alcohol due to the chronic anxiety I have knowing I'm being watched all day. Every day. In every room. Yes they even watch me shit.

They wanted a long detox, as you need benzos to withdraw from alcohol and I'm addicted to them also. And opiates! That's another story! I'd probably reduce and stabilise on a low dose. 

So an emergency appointment was booked for me to see the psyche tomorrow at midday.

I switched my phone off in the appointment as it's hacked and I didn't want them listening. They've listened in to many a private session with my counsellor, key workers, psyche nurse and psychiatrist before.

When I came out I had a voicemail... it was the company I saw on Monday, offering me a job! 

I was so happy I cried and cried.

To cut a long story short, they want me to start in 1 week's time!! I desperately need to detox from at least alcohol! If I don't have a drink by 1pm I feel awful.

I'm hoping I can do a home detox from alcohol. The detoxes they use don't allow mobiles and I can't be without my mobile when I'm about to start a new job and sell my house.

maybe they'll script me a proper prescription of benzos (I buy dodgy ones from India off the internet, so the strength and quality varies and certainly

Isn't 10mg as advertised), possibly the opiates too, if I can get unsupervised quickly. Then I can reduce both. 

As far as benzos go, I don't have a clue as to how much I need as they're not real tablets.

Then maybe over xmas I can have time off to go detox and come off the benzos (and reduce the opiates).

So tomorrow I was going to kill myself. Now I get to live.

My fentanyl hasn't arrived but I have researched hanging, and I know where you need to have the knots to cut your blood supply so it's painless and over in 15 seconds. I was going to get wasted on booze and pills and then choke/hang myself.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll carry on wanting to live, or if I'll give up and kill myself.

I just wanted others to know it can get better!

The most surreal, bizarre, amazing day of my life. 27th September 2017.

TLDR - had planned to kill myself over financial worries, then I sold my house and got a job in one day.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ I HAVE AN ANGEL

Ok, so I was just waiting for my lethal dose of fentanyl and was hopefully gonna kill my self by the end of the week unless I sold my house or got a job.

So I was waiting for my viewing today. Really didn't want him to turn up. But he did... late. 

Explained new windows,'wiring, kitchen, boiler, radiators upstairs, conservatory, garden etc.

Found out he was buying to rent so said I had rented it and got £1,400 after fees. Said I wanted to go back to Devon with my friends.

He told me he liked me coz I was honest (said new bathroom needed as my tennants clearly pissed on the floor and said we did have mold until window), asked about damp and I said none. Asked about a funny patch (could have been damp) and I explained it was a blocked gutter... made me an offer on the spot! House sold.

Went drugs team to talk about detox. Switched phone off.

When I came out I had a message from the guy i saw for an interview yesterday about a job!!

House sold and I may have a job.

Can't stop crying 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 06th October 2017 - Rehab Journal

Got pissed in group and stormed out because people kept talking over me and the Counsellor didn't com back to me. Had to see her after like a naughty child.

Can't eat anything else but I can buy low cal snacks. Maybe I'll show F or S this one day, but not until I'm at least 8.7lbs (I gained a lot of weight in rehab and was completely obsessed about it the whole time, restricting and vomiting)

A's food for the weekend is crap. I'm gonna have to be sick if I eat it. I'll try save my sandwich. Would rather restrict than vomit.

LATER

Had to have my first counselling session with F. I like him it's easy to be honest. He told me being famous for being a junkie is traumatic. Told me off for being a perfectionist too.

I told him a bit about my food obsession but I didn't disclose in depth. I need to lose weight first. I'm too fat for an ED. K wanted to borrow money, others told me not to as she owes £100 (K smoked £30 of cigarettes a day, while we all had £4 a week pouches of dodgy baccy... supplied by me!). She's got pissed. She smokes fags too, wish I could afford to 40 fags a day! She's got a right attitude problem now.  

G keeps calling. I can't deal with her shit. She never asked about me and I have my own shit right now.

Counsellor noticed the clocks we had put forward to have shorter sessions. I said I must have been the batteries.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 90 Day Jane

Well I'm a little bit upset. There was a 'art' project called 90 Day Jane where this girl pretended she was going to commit Suicide in 90 days. She got loads of attention, media everything.

Her blog went mental.

I am really going to commit suicide.... I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog (mind you I should check online as I'm just on the app on my phone).

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ 04th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Feel so disgusted after yesterday, so have deciddd not to eat much today.

Thankfully lunch has onions meaning I don't want to eat it. 

Dinner is sausage and mash. Bet they use cheap sausages, so I can't eat that either.

Don't think I'll tell R***, I'm not skinny enough and she'll ruin it for me.

Can't wait for A to get her scales. Can't exercise coz no pedometer.

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

Well yet again I neglected to sleep. It's preferable over sleeping, mainly due to the fact my speed gets stolen or my pins suddenly appear to have holes in them. This prevents me from being able to flag my shots. Flagging is when you pull the plunger back upon piercing the skin and when you enter a vein, deep red blood, erupts into the syringe, signalling that it's ok to push the plunger down.

When they have been damaged, as they are not air tight, you cannot flag properly. Therefore you are liable to miss your shots.

Hence the explanation for the two deep wounds on my legs. 

However the huge patches of rotting flesh are not just the result of a missed shot. I've missed loads of shots before. The rotting flesh was due to my speed being contaminated with only God knows what.

Clearly they did no research into what they decided to cut my gear with. It rotted my flesh, causing deep holes, black and vile smelling. I've named the scars Mum and Dad. My hatred for them will last as long as these two scars deface my skin. That's forever by the way. The following day after sleeping, the concoction of speed I had in my possession has changed again and no longer had this horrible substance mixed with it.

So another restless night of torment and torture. So I took as much pleasure I could in ensuring they had no sleep before one of them went to work, whilst whoever  was on psychosis by mum and dad duty was next door in the bedroom adjacent to mine.

Although I was using my anxiety began to increase as 3pm approached. I decided to leave around midday, as psychosis by mum and dad was certainly less severe when I was outside.

The level of torture and the frequency of torment declined either outside of their or my house.

❤️ January 2014 - Journal

Dear Diary

Ok, today was a massive shock to my system. I'm fed up of Pershore Grove flying into what resembles a film set, littered with extras, starting their pre-rehearsed actions. I'm the leading lady. The normally quiet street, which rarely has traffic, now, whenever I look out the window, is constantly busy with traffic. I'm seeing familiar strangers more and more frequently. Clearly I've been elevated to a position of fame.

I like being alone, I am now never alone. I'm either in my home being tormented, or outside being followed.

Clearly they are fully aware that their actions are nothing but evil, twisted and detrimental to my addiction. 

This breaks my heart. At any point, they could have stopped, admitted they had committed a grave error, made amends, been honest and we could have worked on rebuilding the loving relationship we once had.

But opposed to that, they continued to dig their own daughter's grave, killing the girl they loved, with each shovel of dirt they remove. 

❤️ Suicide Note 2016

Dear to whom it may concern,

This isn't to anyone in my family. I use the term family loosely, as bar blood, DNA and surname, I have no family. The woman who gave birth to me has already confirmed I've been written out of their will. So mentally, I'm clearly dead to them. May as well get rid of the physical aspect of living too.

I therefore have decided to terminate my existence.

Only one person needs to be notified. N****. He's stored in my phone under N**.

My pets - please rehome. My family hate Orion as he cries and Fluffy is just an inconvenience. Family homes. Orion needs a home who can tolerate his need for attention.

Fluffy needs a home with a neutered male she can bond with.

My Estate all to P****. Either sold or items. To be saved until she's 25.

My iPad, iPhone, TV, stereo to N****.

I want to be cremated, no ceremony. No flowers. I want my ashes to be placed with Tsega's and buried. No one is to retain my ashes.

I want the UK to know the truth about my drug addiction. Legal Ritalin and I have ADHD. Even if they withhold the nasty things they do. 

I now know they will be happy, perfect family. No black sheep ruining it.

N**** - I'm sorry I chose the easy way out. But when only one person in this world cares for you, and that's not your family, life isn't worth living.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ My Medical Notes

Whilst in Springfield I asked for my complete medical history. This was advised. I thought I would go through the amount of times I was a 'Red Zone' patient and the reasons why

20/12/11 - Red Zone 

I had been breaking my 2mg buprenorphine into 1mgs so I could cut down 

29/12/11 - Green Zone

No problems 

13/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

24/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

23/03/12 - Green Zone

No problems

04/05/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

06/06/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

12/12/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/01/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

01/02/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

17/05/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

11/06/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/07/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/08/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

21/11/14 - Black Zone

In hospital. Detox 

05/12/14 - Red Zone 

Concern as I was released from detox and I left early 

12/12/14 - Red Zone

Arrived stoned and had been smoking crack after detox 

16/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment 

29/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

30/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

 02/01/15 - Red Zone

Restart on buprenorphine. Admitted to hospital because of finger infection

09/01/15 - Red Zone

Suicidal intention, talking about bugs (I did have scabies. I had wounds that wouldn't heal, tracks from where they dug into me and felt bites. I think this went after hospital when I had antibiotics. However the high use of amphetamines and lack of sleep magnified this problem. I'd see swirls of what appeared to be insects everywhere.... the only scary thing about this is.... I have seen the swirls once.. when I had been completely sober for months!! I opened my window and they seemed to leave the room and go outside... you know when you stare at the carpet and let you eyes not focus... those little specks you see darting around... anyway seeing them sober was fucking freaky. When I was injecting speed I can tell you one thing, they didn't fucking like it!! I would see swarms coming towards me and get covered in bites every time I banged up. I almost crashed my car several times due to these swarms.... but I don't know. I hope they are purely drug induced).

12/01/15 - Red Zone

Self harm and 'psychosis'

19/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

20/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

23/01/15 - Green Zone

I'm confused about this one. Tested only for buprenorphine and cannabis and was less psychotic

30/01/15 - Amber Zone

My cat needed to be put to sleep 

03/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent them an email after I overdosed and had a seizure in a pub toilet and was taken by ambulance to A&E

06/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent MDART videos of the 'bugs'. Didn't attend appointment. When I did attend I asked for detox again. Had suicidal intentions.

09/02/15 - Red Zone

Couldn't get hold of me, my cat was being put to sleep today. They wanted me to go A&E for a psyche asseasment for my 'bugs'. Home treatment team tried to visit me at my parents but I wasn't their. Apparently no female beds which is why I wasn't sectioned this day. Still taking about bugs. 

10/09/15 - Red Zone

I sent emails about not wanting to be detained stating I was not mad.

13/02/15 - Red Zone 

Now avoiding MDART, would only collect my script in the car park 

27/02/15 - Black Zone

Back in detox 

13/03/15 - Red Zone

Discharged from detox after they stopped my ritalin.

20/03/15 - Red Zone

After my overdose in hopsital, police are now instructed to section me. I left the hospital because I couldn't get my buprenorphine 

24/03/15 - Red Zone

Now on Sutton Police's Missing Persons Register for walking out of hospital. Told them I was ok and they told MDART I wasn't detainable, when my doctor notes, all in caps lock I HAVE ALREADY BEEN DETAINED. They confirmed I collected my script 

27/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed three days of my script, therefore it was stopped. Police have now been informed. Key Worker emails me as they cannot contact me 

31/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed script. Worried I would be using b and likely to overdose 

02/04/17 - Red Zone

Admitted to Springfield 

03/04/15 - Red Zone

In Springfield 

04/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of mental issues. Mentioned I was with my boyfriend. In fact he brought speed and fresh works in for me 

05/04/15 - Amber Zone

Again although I'm still abusing speed there's no comments which would suggest this

06/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of psychosis. Boyfriend visited (bringing me more speed). Refused to see parents 

07/04/15 - Amber Zone

Noted I go to sleep late and wake up late. That's due to the speed and benzos I was taking in there. I also had weed and would smoke a nightly spliff when the others had gone to bed (bar the one sane guy who would sometimes share the spliff with me). Noted I would commit suicide upon discharge (I wish I did!!)

07/04/15 - Black Zone

In hospital 

08/04/15 - Amber Zone

Sleepy and anxious 

Total 

Green Zone - 14

Red Zone - 21

Black Zone - 4

Amber Zone - 6

❤️ 2006 - Tarot Reading

Your boyfriend is doing your head in! You're together but not together in your heart. He's going to be asking you for a lot. Socialising wanting to see you you're going to be on his mind. You have to be true and make a choice as to whether you want to be with him (the very next day my ex contacted me after about 10 months of being separated) 

Money is really important in the next year. I have to think about what I want I haven't found what I'm looking for. I have to think about what I want to do. I am in a lot of cash in my life but money is short for me.

New car is a good purchase. Keep it locked (this was my first car with remote locking, so easy to forget to lock it). You've received the three of swords which is bye-bye so be careful.

Family member is not well it's all okay even though it's not over and done with (mum diagnosed with cancer shortly before this)

Change of residence (just bought flat). It's lovely I will have lots of company entertaining a lot.  Children adults family. It's a happy home. I have to have patience for my home and finish one room at a time.

Geminis tend to flit and not finish one thing before starting your next.

Saying Clapham Common (a few months later i started working there). Maybe you'll meet someone as I spend a lot of time there.

See a sister a close friend with dark hair. There's a surprise for her and end of an Eire she has to choose where she's going but could we work or men but it's good outcome.

Family card my father arguing try to keep quiet I want a good relationship I can have it. 

Do I work in the media (TV extra at time). Very strong media connection I will meet lovely people I'm an extrovert extra work and is £100 per day but this shows more a lot of cash could be an agent or director this will be really good (got speaking part shortly after earning £250 for 20 mins).

Strong female on the other side like mother could be a grandmother she'll be there for me if I have a problem talk to her.

I must eat well.

I have a good sense of humour but sometimes men don't see that it comes across snooty but I'm not. This isn't bad as my man is the same, whoever I marry isn't around me now. I will know straightaway he is the one. We will be connected he will work in the media but behind-the-scenes he will come to me not me to him.

❤️ 2006 - Angel Cards

Quiet time need to look at myself. Need to realise what I want to do, who I want to be with. I have to be strong and stand my ground.

Learn to say no don't let people walk all over me! If I do this I will have a quiet time don't be soft.

❤️ 10th April - 17th April 2015 - MEET THE JUNKETTES!!!! Part 1

These were the first Junkettes I captured. I started on the day I had left from Springfield psychiatric secure ward. You'll start noticing some similar reactions to me. 

1) Phone alert or photo

2) Track Mark Watch

3) Anxiety

4) After initial spotting me and completing either 1 or 2, try super hard to avoid the natural reaction of looking at me. As by now I'm aware of you. 

Most likely I'm taunting you too. Don't start buddy, how do you think 1000's of people doing this to one little, skinny, single, female feels?

You scared the fuck out of me initially, to the point upon discovering my iPad was how hundreds of strange men seemed to know my location, late at night, many with vicious dogs in tow, I abandoned it. My iPad 3 with 32gb. 

So hell yea, you react to me, I'm being mean in return. 

Firstly my tube 5buddies.

Northern Line - Stockwell - Morden

Victoria Line - Stockwell - Brixton

*fat legs. Maybe focusing on your health rather than destroying the life of someone who's done you no harm

* classic avoidance technique

❤️ 05th July 2017 - Journal

So this is it. I hope to fill this blog up but I can't take anymore. I was considering to fight. Fight for my life, fight for my job. Apparently even Reed (Who I worked for W at my job), said I should appeal.

Yesterday K was here. He 'was' going to support me with my appeal. D wants me back, the MD aonly gives a shit as to whether I was good at my job. It's only A and R (whom I cannot understand his dislike to me?). K Will soon be manager not A. My referral agencies and candidates want me back. And I was going to play the disability card! Big time! I wanted my job back. I reckon I was in with a decent chance. If a diabetic Paul insolation it would have been okay. Not my fault my medication is seen as a class B drug. Can't do shit without it.

Anyway if I didn't fuck N off and make me paranoid of my own home, none of this would've happened.

But whatever, this is the last thing I'll write so it needs to be more poignant.

So - with me - i'm an organ donor.  Please use everything. It makes me quite happy knowing my death could save 10 to 20 lives.

Funeral - don't want anything fancy. Cheapest coffin. No flowers. Donations to the Blue Cross or RSPCA. Linkin Park Numb, Eminem Headlights, When I'm Gone, Mockingbird, Donny Darko's Mad World and Eagle Eyed Cherry Save Tonight and The Smiths Asleep needs to be played 

Please invite

- N

- R (and her twin L)

- K (work)

- Z old friend 

- JK, old friend 

- S from Newcastle

- A from Newcastle 

- K from rehab

- B from rehab

- N from rehab

- J - Longreach Manager

- Counsellors from rehab

- D cook from rehab

- R from Merton Engage

- J from Merton Engage 

- O from Merton Engage

- A from Merton Engage

- V from Merton Engage

- S client at Merton Engage

- B client at Merton Engage

- Kate Beniston from detox

- S, Kate's boyfriend 

- K, N’s brother

- B, N’s girlfriend 

- H, old friend 

- L, Social Worker from Sutton Council

-  M, friend from Mitcham 

- S from rehab

Anyway I can't take anymore. Yesterday was great, I was with K, so they couldn't do shit. I felt great. Even though I had banged up Adderall and smoked a rock of crack I had left in my wallet from the night before. I slept well. There was no shit (well a tiny bit of whispering when I was upstairs alone changing the bed covers). But they couldn't do their shit in front of him. So it was nice and I felt like I wanted a life. I was up for fighting. And seeing as so many people said I should appeal, I recon I was in with a good chance.

I want to sunbath today. Then get this tooth sorted tomorrow. Go Estate agents and look for part time work.

But tonight..... it's bigger than the fight in me. It's not like I can have friends over every night. That's the only way they'll stop.

I went rehab for fuck's sake. That 'man' still did his bullshit to me! Why? I could have been a 'normal' drug user. Booty bump a little MD at the weekend. Weed to sleep. The odd benzo. And this is what I was after rehab. But that man gave me no respite. He did bullshit when I was fucking withdrawing from opiates! And olanzapine!! Until I said I was withdrawing and then they stopped. He did bullshit after two Nytol. After nights I had been out to drink only, or smoke some weed. He also neglected to do it when I blacked out on benzos and booze, or the nights I was hoovering up ketamine!!

Today it started with the heart wrenching cry of my niece P**** around 7pm. Clearly fat cunt (AKA my brother) had told her off, rather excessively.

Then my quiet road became super busy. Every car seemed to excellerate past my house and most had tinted windows. Still the drivers of these vehicles looked incredibly similar to my father, mother, brother and his girlfriend.

I went for a walk and someone who looked just like the fat cunt, walking two dogs, incredibly similar to the bloke who lives 3-5 doors away, walked past me. The fake goatie was laughable. As was the foreign accent... French!!??? Maybe?!? I still humoured the fat cunt and said I liked his dogs!!

Some bloke from 3-5 door away was also staking me. He went last my house and started digging God knows what out of his arse.

As I'm paranoid I was convinced it was a signal. I could be incorrect. He may have worms. Still this dude was following me. Make sure he's questioned by the police. He's got blood on his hands.

This walk was probably the most life changing. I realised, yet again, I was 'famous'. The hope of fighting for my job or finding a new one, evaporated. My hope vanished. My aspirations for a normal life, disappeared. Harry Potter cloak of invisibility shit. There one minute, gone the next.

My mother, wearing two 'disguises' walked past my house twice. I don't know if she 'forgets' she's lost most of her hair....? The first time she wore a yellow t-shirt. She never wears yellow. But in doing so, she still lacks the character change that Superman has perfected, with just a change of glasses.

The second time, I knew it would be game over. I started crying for my mum. Proper hysterical sobbing. She was watching me on her mobile phone. She stopped walking for a couple of seconds when I burst into tears and wailed for her. Only for a couple of seconds, which ultimately broke my heart. The 'coincident' that she stopped when I cried for her, was evident enough it was my mummy.

She clearly wants me dead. I'm not a mother, but my ears prick up immediately when my cat Orion cries. When he was missing, hearing noises similar to him crying hurt so bad. I couldn't ignore him crying when he needed me.

My mummy didn't even look back. Her lies and her game are more important than her baby girl.

That just goes to show what a worthless piece of shit I am. Just like that day my dad (now known as that man) ignored me crying in the park. 

This game hurts too much to carry on. They know it doesn't work. It didn't work before. I told you (well the psychosis you) rehab was just going to be a break from you. And it was. I'm using more drugs now thanks to your actions.

Sadly it boils mainly down to you, and slightly my ADHD.

The constant surveillance makes my ADHD and OCD worse. I have so much anxiety. I can't have sex or masterbate without mummy and daddy watching. I'm 36! I'm sure you would get bad anxiety too if every part of your life was watched as intensively as you have done to me. So I did what I've always done when I feel like that, self medicate.

I can't dance or sing like I want to. Because you're watching. This in itself takes away so much joy from my life.

My OCD is worse because I know I'm being watched and undoubtedly judged.

I've said it before, but in 14 weeks of rehab I craved drugs five times maybe? Why? I was happy. Even though I shared a room I had privacy! I could be me. I was well liked. Everyone for I was really funny. I was hyper, bouncy, chatty and fun. You haven't seen that girl in years. Even if I stayed alive you wouldn't see her again.

I wish I could talk to you about this, but by the time you read this and it's in your hands I'll have the truth. But how will you sleep at night knowing what you did to me made me kill myself? Knowing you could have walked, 10-20 eight knocked on my door and said I'm sorry it's over. Why was a lie worth more than me? You are the best parents until you started this. Now I'm scared of you. 

You brought me up to never lie. What a load of crap that was.

You lied to The Sun in the first place, so you could ensure as much public hatred for me as possible, but regardless if you are happy to make me famous for being a junkie, why not let me be famous for getting clean. I could've made money selling my story and if I was famous for being a junkie you got clean I would have had a lot more pressure to stay clean.

Why would you rather lie then have me? I know you didn't mean for it to go this far. C from next door told me. 

Anyway I've gone off on a tangent. After my mum ignoring my sobs they all pulled up in next door's car. My dad, mum and brother. My brother was smoking and kept calling 'mum'. I went to light a fag thinking they had come for me... at last! I was angry but happy I didn't have to die.... I re-opened The front door to see C her husband and L.

Fat Cunt was smoking a straight (normal cigarette). L was smoking a roll up. 

That's the last evil thing they'll do to me. Well there is the odd noise from upstairs but now I ignore it.

I finally thought they were coming to put a stop to this.! I was wrong. They didn't want me. They didn't want to save me. They wanted to hurt me again.

Hint taken! I am killing myself. At any point you decide you want me you only have to knock on my door. I hate myself for being so optimistic. I like an abused puppy. I still come back tail wagging only to be abused again.

anyway I must stop writing this but I have so much left to right and I want to die tomorrow. Even being clean won't stop my family. They will torment me for life. I'd love to move, but that takes up way too much time and I can't face being tormented for that long. They've gone now I'll just have the remote tormenting to deal with. The whispering from the little speakers and the noises. If I'm downstairs it'll be noises upstairs and vice versa. Yes they seem to think, rather than taking drugs to cope with stress and paranoia and of course the need to stay awake, that doing this shit will make me stop! 

They've also made me properly mentally ill. I will always be paranoid due to them. And any noise that resembles the sound of them whispering world have triggered this paranoia.

Right I need to write individual letters so I must sign off.

I won't go on there's no point they've heard it all before. They've watch my mental health decline. They haven't stopped or even reigned it in a bit. Even when I have cut down my drug use. 

The only way out is death! I am finally free! I am happy! I am with real family who love me!

Bless!