❤️ January 2015 - Dear R*** - My Counsellor

Well I think I can say I have no friends now as the one I did have, has, to put it eloquently, shat on me today. N**** used to have a supervised Buprenorphine script like mine. However at some point in the last month, the chaos which is provided free with every intravenous administration of substances resulted in this being missed for more than the allotted two consecutive days, and was automatically cancelled.

N*** doesn't appear as fortunate as myself, and is rather aloof when I question him about his Key Worker and doesn't seem to have the close relationships I am fortunate enough to have with both you, and J* at MDART.  

He also never mentions any doctor. I find this strange, as Dr B**** features heavily in my diary.  Ok, I understand, that people's refusal to belief there's a possibility I may actually have mites, and my label as psychosis may be incorrect, but when diagnosed as the latter one automatically expects a Psychiatric Doctor to feature heavily in their life.  Still I find it strange he does not disclose more information regarding this.  Especially when I disclose a lot on the subject.

Anyway, back to last nights events.  

Naturally, when you are opiate dependant, without a bup script means finding opiates is now, his unspoken, soul priority in life.  Without them he will be really sick, so I was stupid to fall for the lies I was told last night, in which I give him the last tenner I posses for heroin, opposed to my legal high DOC and he would replace the LH tomorrow.

Anyway today comes, and guess who is blown out now their mate has money?? 

This is why I love drugs. They don't let you down. They are always reliable. 

They can be counted on to provide a much needed escape from reality, or to numb the pain you have, or remove the huge ball of pent up anger/anxiety in both my head and stomach due to having ADHD. Humans can mess the drugs up. Either refusing to shot, making you wait bear long, or cutting them. But drugs, they are the one consistent thing in my life since I was 13. 

I know I cannot use the way I have been doing forever. But to say never is setting myself up to fail. When. I tell Dr B**** I will give a clean pee test, it'll still test positive for weed and benzos. Maybe other opiates, MDMA or ketamine too... But that is clean for me    

I wish I was normal like you 😔 I'd love not to have this constant gravitational pull towards drugs. It'll never go away. I know I will have to fight to be clean (bar smoking weed and a weekend release)

I find it hard to process, but you cannot be much older than me.  J* is possibly younger.  Dr B**** again no more than a few years older.  Yet while our phsyical age is close mentally were worlds away.  Mentally I'm 14-18, just no longer lacking the energy I used to have. 

I've just taken 5mgs of olanzapine.  The ketamine did shit to me and the Tramadol, well, I have noticed i was itching earlier and when I first banged up I got a small rush of what can be described as a pleasureable feeling, but certainly no rush.  Nor did it last long.  So I've taken the olanzapine, or fat cow pill as i like to call it, and i will inevitably sleep soon.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked