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#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
Tuesday 10 October 2017
❤️ Once Upon A Time - April 2015 - Springfield Spies
Once upon a time there was a perfectly sane princess, forced to be in an institute full of people related to the Queen, knew 2 Pac and whose fathers were hyena’s.
She was locked away by her evil step parents, in a Dickensisen esque institution. In this awful, ex-prison, overflowing with incredibly sick patients, conversing with Jesus, whilst insisting their devotion to the church of Satan.
Locked away, where I shouldn't be, lacking a companion to engage in the simple necessity of conversation. Staff attempted to talk to you, but without fail Mad M would attempt to enter the men's corridor, smoking and they would dash off to prevent her attempting to have a nap in one of the male rooms. Or crazy K would torment some innocent target. Or Nit Picky G would call an ambulance. I could go on. Needless to say, no one sane would talk to her. They were too busy stopping the insane from destroying the place
I allowed my parents to visit on day two. They were fully aware of this fact. This was no place for a drug addict. I needed rehab or detox. Not a mental institution. I knew I was in crazy town. I would get no treatment to deal with my admittance. This is a clear breach of the mental health code of practice. No Win fee anyone?
Desperate for them to see this was far from appropriate. My drug addiction, ADHD, self medicating, nothing to do with the reasons for having me locked away, would be addressed. I hoped home treatment would be agreed and would have refrained from daily intravenous drug use to have assured this.
Instead of taking me out of this hellish prison they reinforced their lie that their cruel actions where nothing more than a mirage, created by my poor sick brain. As they were kind loving people incapable of such hideous actions.
My heart and soul sunk. They didn't even have to admit to it, but the lies broke me a little bit more each time.
I was there as I believed they we're surveilling me. I have evidence of people tracking my movements and evidence there was some kind of sick Big Brother CCTV installed in my home and theirs.
Upon me looking out my window or leaving my house the local community would snap into some The Trueman Show type acting.
What my sick family was doing was big. Big enough to have me locked away unlawfully.
I decided to make the most of my time imprisoned in this institution by spending my time using ethylphenidate intravenously psychosis free (bar the annoying niggle via my bedroom window... Yeah psychosis, only from outside my window! Yeah that's authentic! Go Mum and Dad).
Upon admittance I was rather annoyed that I hadn't attempted to hide my works.
Their half are searched upon arrival meant I was able to use ethylphenidate stashed in my one bra cup and the benzodiazepines firmly stashed in the second. I simply refused to have the doctor do the medical, claiming I was too upset. This allowed me to go to my room. There on I hid this in my food packets.
And although I had a resolved result to utilise my detainment to wean myself off. I was never using less than 1 g a day as per before my detainment. New works (Needles and syringes) quickly arrived.
However due to the amount of time the real crazy's required from the staff, sneaking some fresh works in was child's play.
Day one I inhaled the ethylphenidate from my bra, after my parents and their refusal to remove me from this hell. Then when the works arrived I went straight back to my 1 gramme daily intravenous habit. To be honest, without this helping me through this unbearable misery, without a doubt, suicide upon discharge would have been inevitable. This saved my life.
The ethylphenidate numbed the indescribable aching cascading from my heart, through my veins, to each millimetre of my skinny, malnourished body. I kept hearing my mother's lie to the doctor and social worker 'SHE THINKS I'M FILMING HER'. How I longed for 'yes we'll treat her at home' instead.
This resulted in such chronic depression I feel suicide (remember I had a bag full of antipsychotic and benzos) would have been my only other choice to escape.
My mother shouted her lies to the people responsible for removing my freedom unlawfully. I found my mother tended to shout a lot when it came to telling lies. Unlike my father who would faff around in an anxiety ridden haze before moving on to 'Let's Shout Coz We're Crap Liars'. She clearly forgets psychosis would respond to requests earlier on.
This hurt. Like most junkies I'm where I am because I struggle to cope with huge amounts of pain in my less than perfect life. Creating more hurt will definitely not encourage me to use more. Nope no. I'll definitely stop using. Yeah right that's sarcasm.
I was able to use freely bar the odd annoyance when in my bedroom. So simply I often used and left immediately to prevent this annoyance. Having seen my father, brother and his girlfriend or how I like to refer to them, Sir Cuntalot, Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim, walking back to the car park and the odd noise whilst in my room.
The only ‘psychosis’ I experienced was Hearing the fat cunt, Sir cunt a lot and nice but dim outside my bedroom window. I also saw Sir cunt a lot and nice but dim walking to the car park. I saw fat cunt doing the samBar that, I was banging up to my hearts content and psychosis free.
Finally I only heard it when my bedroom window was open. Almost as if it was human created, not created by my brain. That would mean unlawful sectioning (Legal help gratefully accepted)
I now realised why they had been so eager to see which room I was in. So they could continue to torment me whilst locked up exactly where they wanted me to be.
But bar this pathetic attempt at making me think I was mad, I was 'psychosis' free and banging up more than when I was on the outside.
Weird how my psychosis can be turned off by shutting a window or leaving a room. Yeah psychosis! Go thickos!
The only other psychotic episode was seeing the sanitary box emitting a white flash. And then a red then white flash on the bugged mobile phone - across from the camera.
Karma was watching over me though. Whilst the three Cunt-a-teirs tormented me, my mother suffered a heart attack (because of me she would scream in my face at a later date). After being subjected to their cruel actions this gives me immense pleasure.
Anyway psychosis over back to the nut house. After day one and my parents realisation this was not a suitable place for a junkie, I would get no treatment over my ADHD, self medicating, addiction therapy etc. a man in a dressing gown appeared.
Labelling him another nut nut, I spoke to D, a long termer with a section 17 implemented meaning day release.
Finally, on day 3, after my parent’s one and only visit, in comes S. He looked the part, wearing a ladies dressing gown and pyjamas. I assumed he was another nut job.
It much later, he was playing music in the smoking area did he catch my attention.
'My love
Your love
My love
Ohhhhhhh'
The lyrics of a garage tune I remembered. I started singing along. It was followed by a favourite, 'Do You Really Like It' by Pide Pipper and the MCs.
I sang each lyric with Nit Picky G getting more and more excited with my ability to sing along.
'What else you got on there' I said approaching. He had a few garage tunes I loved and my theme tune! Stan by Eminem. I demanded he played the latter.
'Coz that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo with your name across my chest
Some times I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline the pain is such a sudden rush to me'
‘Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much I bleed,
It’s like adrenaline the pain is such a sudden rush to me’
‘Bout that guy who cudda saved that other guy from drowning, but didn’t. And Phil saw it all at the show who found him, that’s kinda how that is, you coulda rescued me from drowning, now it’s too late, I’m on a thousand downers now and I’m drowsy’
He introduced himself as S and seemed impressed at my version of Stan, belting out both Dido and Eminem.
S, like me, there for an overdose. Like me, benzos. He had fag burns all over his hands from stubbing out his fags. He had real moments of what sincerely appeared to be real depression and did seem a genuine patient until my discovery upon discharge.
S entertained me with tale of his cocaine fuelled past, joined me for an evening joint daily and spoke of his time on Roehampton's nut wars at Queen Mary's.
We both shared a love of drawing and when not smoking a sheet of A4 could pass away an hour of time. Which when in a place when time stood still, meant more than I can give it credit for.
That’s not where the similarities ended
- music
- self admittance for and OD
- likes drawing
Things that didn’t add up
- did actually seem depressed
- stubbed fags out on his hand
- short stay
- depression
- smoking weed with me (staff never checked my grinder, filled with weed)
- talked about cocaine and benzo use
- talked about personal life
S is still questionable over his authenticity. He has spoken about the nuthouse in Roehampton.
However he gave me a companion and I was grateful.
I wouldn't have questioned S if it wasn't for Glen who appeared the day after, overdosing as well!
The following day Glen arrived. We spoke on his second day which was my day five
- In for OD
- sad
- artistic
Weird
- very short stay
- said little about his personal life
- not Depressed
- to nice
- gave me band, lighter and ring
- He lied that MI5 checked my house and there were no cameras
- freaked out when I discovered surveillance equipment
- Bank statement showing £900 paid by the Home Office
-‘ said he would help with my home and screwdown the floorboards but he didn’t
Also
- he was nice and believed me when most people didn’t
- He was kind and let me happiest place in the queue when we queueing for lunch
- intimidated the strangers that was stalking me
- heart weird but he was okay with me banging up
This raised alarm bells now I am looking back in retrospect.
Glenn and S provide much relief from the boredom. S even wore my onesie. Reminiscent of L doing the same in Dove Ward
We had all been admitted for overdosing. I found out cleanse reason was floxacillin (Prozac).. I found it hard to believe as this causes serotonin syndrome so you would be shaky have tachycardia and be anxious. Anyone who went through this syndrome to severity would definitely die.
They did provide a welcome break from the shuffling brain dead other in mates.
S even wore my onesie for a joke.
Glen was homeless after Springfield and abused my good nature.’m however Wednesday I was given leave from 6 PM to 8 PM on Thursday and 8 PM to 8 PM on Friday. I had an appointment on Friday at 10 AM and I was officially discharged.
It was clear there was no question With regards to my mental instability. I was sane.
As I waved goodbye to Springfield I also waved good bye to my freedom and privacy.
Friday night they try to detain me. I have not been staying at my parents house from Wednesday to Friday.
Clearly my parents had played that old ‘we are concerned devastated so try to make her stay’ card. I pro tested using my discharge. The Junior nurses cannot overwrite a decision made by the senior psychiatrist. Then it was suggested that I stayed as a voluntary patient. I refused and the guise of staying at my mummy and daddy‘s house. I was free, but imprisoned. No longer a detailed patient on section 5 but imprisoned as it is of my intravenous ethylphenidate vanished.
As I waved goodbye to Springfield, I also waved goodbye to my human right of privacy.
Although this was the last I saw of S, Glen had a plan to remain a constant in my life. His intention where to get a perfectly sane human, sectioned again for the highly illegal reason of using drugs intravenously.
As you'll know from my previous Springfield Spy post, Glen's story didn't add up. Then I found his spy book.
Then the penny dropped. My parents realised Springfield wasn't suitable, there was no other 'normal' people like me, and two people who overdosed turned up.
Neither S nor Glen denied my initial accusation of them being spies.
So welcome to my sick world. I'm sure you can share my sentiments of hatred towards my family.
I will never love them again.
❤️ Letter To Independent Press Standards Organisation- June 2015
During the height of my fame I ended up speaking to the Independent press standards organisation. I explained my situation about in falsely missrepresented in the press.
Funnily enough I’m like when I telephoned the Sun and was told to check myself into a mental hospital, my complaint was taken seriously almost as if they were aware of my situation. Below is the letter that followed.
Dear H
I feel it’s imperative to prove a little background information. I am an adult sufferer of ADHD. I was previously prescribed methylphenidate. Duty sale misfortune both at home and at work I started to also use legal Ritalin. Soon after I was a mess. I neglected my prescription and just abused ethylphenidate. I deeply regret this.
My parents then began undertaking some very nasty behaviour, claiming it was all in my head. I have been and still am tortured by them.
Around March I noticed I appear to be famous. People photographed me or appeared to text my location. My congruency resulted in me being sectioned. No one believed my parents could undertake such horrific actions. I have evidence to prove that invasion of privacy was not in any way a psychotic episode.
I found even when clean people still appeared to stalk me.
That distressed me so much it resulted in an overdose.
Thankfully when disclosing the horrific actions my parents have done several strangers informed me this was due to an article in the Sun including a photo with me smoking crack cocaine. Something I really indulge in.
It would appear the intention of this is to make me believe I am mad, yet prior to my parents knowing, I used considerably more, with no psychotic episodes.
My parents have destroyed my home, my car, my possessions and now my reputation and career in education
Any decent parents would’ve paid for and ADHD psychiatrist all rehab and detox.
The Sun has breached the following
1) accuracy - I used crack cocaine occasionally I use Ethylphenidate for ADHD. When so many people strive to destroy and hurt you I’m certainly not in during disabling consequences of my disability
- misleading photo
- misleading statements
- did not distinguish between comment conjecture and fact
- not fairly reported
- clear defamation.
2) privacy
- no respect for private life. Whilst I have struggled with drug addiction since I was 17 I have always worked and contributed to society
- no consent for photo
3) Clandestine devices
- unsure whether my friend took the photo or my father /press did this
I am completely broken. I was sectioned unlawfully. I will never work in education again so will need to retrain
My loss of endings could easily amount to £150,000.
I will not live a lie, to Eastfork consciences of my sick parents.? They have done actions to me which places them up that with Fred and Rose West.
They’ve destroyed my whole life and have got the nation to hate me when I desperately needed the help and support.
I am praying you can help me. All I want is the truth and some help with drug addiction
Update - Unfortunately all evidence of the article had been removed by this date so no further action could be taken
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
❤️ 10th October 2017 - Journal
Well I’m back at work. The job isn’t perfect but I love it. I’m working and contributing to society again.
In this role I literally only have to complete 4 pages of paper work, which admin soughts and uploads to the system.
NCS come in once a month to do CV workshops, so I don’t even have to stress about that.
Someone else goes out and sources the candidates. A job broker finds the jobs. All I have to do is get candidates to come in and apply for vacancies.
I will get bored as I will literally be sitting at my desk all day just seeing candidate after candidate. But I will not have to travel across loads of boroughs,?worry about travel fares, stress to get to meetings miles away for. 9 o’clock in the morning. I guess it’s an easy role.
It’s only my second day and I’ve already lost my candidate virginity. So my first one completely unsupervised.
I wanted to have at least four meetings booked by the end of today. I have 10 meetings booked.
The staff are all really nice so praying to God nothing gets caught out about my previous work history and I’m able to settle in and do a good job.
I went to the toilet earlier and took some Ritalin. I take it correctly due to its bioavailability and my high tolerance. Went for a cigarette afterwards. Amen and the receptionist was like oh the lady who went in the toilet after you found something you left behind. I shit myself it was the plastic syringe even know I’ve been very careful about making sure it was in my bag before I had left. Panic Field my brain.... only to notice my energy drink was on my desk. I had left in the toilet.
I told a story to the receptionist that I was worried I’d left my Tampax in the toilet. I do love to panic and think the worst.
I had a great day even though I was tired from lack of sleep last night. Had had a cheeky Monday night smoke. Didn’t sleep till 2 AM.
But as I travelled closer and closer to the place I call home I noticed my mood slowly dropping and dropping.
By the time I arrived home I was in a foul mood and I remained in this mood all night.
I have taken this mood out on N. This house is poisonous. Because I am now working my counsellor has agreed to have email sessions with me. I long to email her now when I need her help but I cannot be assured I actually have privacy. Either time I’m aware I have privacy I probably won’t feel the need to email her. My evening depression is only likely to get worse.
I don’t know what today I hope I can move quick because this house is killing me.
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
❤️ October 2016 - Rehab - Email To My Counsellor
Subject - Are you back at work
Can I please arrange a session with you when you're next working late.
I miss talking to you. It's harder here as
I have to build up the courage to disclose all my sh*t again.
You said (I wanted to say promised, but I don't think you actually did, but let's pretend you promised!) you would still talk to me.
I've got a lot of hatred over what my sick fcuk family did.
Let me know when this might be possible
X
I miss talking to you. It's harder here as
I have to build up the courage to disclose all my sh*t again.
You said (I wanted to say promised, but I don't think you actually did, but let's pretend you promised!) you would still talk to me.
I've got a lot of hatred over what my sick fcuk family did.
Let me know when this might be possible
X
Counsellor
HI J,
it may be a good idea that you stay with the therapeutic work you are doing over there, I believe you it's hard to build up a new relation with someone who does not know you yet (feeling maybe exposed? ) but give it the best you can...it is a process.
My Tuesdays evening are usually taken up, as you can imagine they tend to be popular but I will try to find some time in between appointments for a chat. e-mail me a contact number or a way to contact you.
A warm hug,
Rx
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
❤️ Rehab Bullies - Emails 2016
To - Counsellor and Social Worker
Subject - I'm being bullied!!
There's this woman who's always had a bit of an attitude with me, like kissing her teeth when I sit down and the chair accidentally scrapes, etc. and now she's started bullying me.
Yesterday in art the tutor was waiting for us to fill out forms, and the music was on. Since we were not doing anything I started singing. She's then shouted aggressively
'WILL YOU SHUT UP'
I've replied no we're not doing anything. So I've carried on singing and she kept on shouting the above. She then shouted I was acting like a toddler (what does she expect when she was speaking to me like one). Shouting got worse and we were pulled from the session.
In with the counsellors she tried to say she spoke to me nicely, and said please. I replied this was bull, and when ever anyone has asked me nicely to stop doing something like being loud, I've always complied.
So now today, she normally isolates, but made a real effort to come out to the smoking shelter and who ever I was talking to she had to get their attention, start talking to them making sure she took the attention away from me.
So back in group and I've gone to speak and she purposely started talking over me. Now outside in the smoking shelter I tolerated, as I'm more well received than her so it didn't bother me.
I was calm as fcuk and asked her not to talk over me. She started shouting aggressively how do I like it. Everyone was telling her to leave it
Instead of getting angry I went and spoke to a counsellor who were super impressed I didn't react and did the right thing.
Anyway I'm ok with the situation at the moment but I will not tolerate bullying behaviour.
I've suggested mediation should it continue.
I knew this would happen. She can't cope with me having ADHD, and yes I talk over people, but NEVER is it done maliciously. I can help having ADHD.
Anyway this is why I didn't want a woman's only rehab. But I'm well liked and everyone else says they would change me, as I make them all laugh.
Speak soon
Jay
Counsellor
HI Jay
nice to hear from you. As you said you are managing difficult situations which always happens between humans ... man and women alike
R
Social Worker
Hi Jay
Sounds like you dealt well with the situation.
I've left a message with your support worker, Paula, but have not yet heard back. I'll give her a call today.
Thanks for letting me know.
L
#itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
Sunday 8 October 2017
❤️ My Return To Work
Ok, the big day is here! I'm returning to work.
I have checked the journey planner on my dream house in Paarl Road to Stockwell and it's still saying 1 hour and. 35 mins. It takes 22 mins to get to Benfleet station.
Driving is 2 hours 22 mins, so maybe a scooter is the way to go. That would knock a good 15 minutes off the journey. I wanted to hire a car to see what the drive was like. Now I want to hire a scooter and see. Maybe there's a scooter hire company which will let me collect and return to the station?
Maybe even a foldable electric bike, if they go fast enough??
#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
❤️ 28th April 2017 - Journal
I Long for a syringe filled by 1/3 with glorious blue crystal ethylphenidate. It's now illegal to sell and my parents scared me by threatening a second admittance to he hellious Springfield. I gave them my drugs. I have them my works. I have now not used drugs intravenously or one week. Last Friday Dr. P told me I might not get my Concerta back. I told her I would endure 3 months prisionment for my 'normal'. That's the only reason I have not banged up. Otherwise a replacement legal high is already out there. 4-me-TMP.
#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
❤️ April 2015 - Journal
This book contains information from all my pads collated before and during psychosis created by my parents. The more you read the most you'll understand why my psychiatrist was which to get me two urgent drugs detox admissions and in Springfield.
The sad thing is, my parents' actions only ensured by drug use sky rocketed.
The lost of my 'normal' Concerta increased my self medicating to daily. If I am unable to get my Concerta script reinstated I will definitely purchase ethylphenidate's new replacement and revert back to self medicating.
#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
❤️ Not All Junkies Are Homeless, On Benefits and A Waste To Society
I just read this article about a doctor addicted to opiates
So your own GP could be a dirty needle junkie just like me.
We’re not all on benefits. We’re ‘functioning addicts’
In fact, I’m not as bad as this GP as I don’t bang up at work.
Yet I’m judged far worse than how he’s judged. Why?
In fact, if you work in a company with 100 members of staff, you can bet your bottom dollar you'll be working with an addict.
Whether Nytol, codeine, Zopiclone, benzos or like me crack and heroin. We disguise ourselves well.
We make exceptional employees (bar when our addiction gets out of control). We need our pay cheques. We need our drugs.
Most addicts have a reason for being addicted. Mine self medicating of my ADHD. Others have become addicted to pain meds
#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
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