❤️ Alcohol Detox / Withdrawal

So I decided to bite the bullet and withdraw from alcohol at home.

Partied Thursday afternoon until Saturday midday with a lot of dramas, heroin, fentanyl, crack, coke, benzos, buprenorphine, Zopiclone and weed.

Saturday slept all day only waking to order pizza and smoke weed. Sunday felt terrible. Drank one coke sized can of 6.5 larger. I glass of processo and 30mg diazepam. Lots of Zopiclone to sleep.

Yesterday one can of Stella, 2/3rd of a 35cl vodka and 30mg diazepam (I was easily taking 80mg before),

Today 1/3 35cl vodka and one Stella. I have another in the fridge for later. 1.5mg diazepam.

Yesterday I felt like hell. I went down MDART to see J but they were in their two hour work meeting.

Today I saw my counsellor and she was well impressed at the level I had cut down and my determination.

Said I still want detox. But 2 weeks arranged in advance over Xmas so I can withdraw from benzos and reduce opiates.

It's not been fucking easy. I've now experienced mild to severe opiate withdrawal, mild alcohol withdrawal (now) and mild benzo withdrawal. Whilst I know if severe alcohol and benzo withdrawal are very dangerous, bit on the mild scale, nothing beats opiate withdrawal. Then alcohol second and benzo last. But I was in detox with the benzo withdrawal and coming off other shit (speed), which probably made the benzo withdrawal less painful. I could sleep for starters. 

Just to kick of my anxiety my parents text to say they're coming over with a letter about the noise (Friday, yet to be written about). 

Straight away I craved a drink like mad. The craving was unbelievable. Definitely worse than the opiates cravings in opiate withdrawal (physical pain in opiate withdrawal makes it beat alcohol).

Said I would be out, took a benzo and hid in my room in the dark. Consumed with anxiety.

Just heard next door getting a bit heated. The son shouted something about crack heads. Clearly me. They've had a couple of 4am arguments, so pot, kettle and all that malarkey.

Just want today to be over. I have one Stella. I need to get some vodka so I can booty bump my benzo. It's easier to keep track of the exact amount you take (don't have to account for food). And it's much stronger.

But I'm living up to my name and waiting for some crack to arrive. 

ADDED LATER 

There was no letter about any noise!!!! They almost caused me to get drunk, ruin my taper, trying to get clean!! 

Nice family!

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Emergency Detox

Ok, so I had my appointment with my drugs psyche today. Stupidly I was using crack and heroin all last night and didn't sleep until 7am. Meaning I could not be awoken with my 10am alarm.

Woke up at 11.47am and my appointment was at 12pm. Got there at 12.25pm.

My psyche and the manager where both at this appointment. My psych probably wanted the manager there as I'm a pain in the arse.

I explained about the mess I'm in and the fact my new job wants me to start on the 9th. I've probably only been offered the role as someone else has pulled out. I don't want to lose it. 

Anyway I was basically told I have no choice but to have an emergency detox. It would take 14-21 days as it's alcohol and benzos.

I pleaded to just deal with the alcohol and let me home detox.

Again, told no. I could die.

I don't know what to do. My psyche said just to lie to the job and say I'm ill and start later. She said I couldn't go to work in the state I'm in. I guess that's true. But it's only the alcohol that's a problem. As long as I get off that I can taper the benzos and opiates myself until I can take annual leave for a detox. 

The only option I was given was to massively cut down on the alcohol and benzos myself. 

So I'm doing that. 

I haven't had a drink all day until now. Bought what I thought was a fancy cider, but it's some rank larger. At least it's 6.5 alcohol content.

I've not taken any benzos either. 

I've spent all day sweating and anxious. Didn't know if it was opiates, benzos or alcohol. But it's stopped now I've had a drink, so I guess alcohol.

I'm hoping the proper work arrives late for this new role, giving me some extra time. 

I'm saving my Zopiclone in case I get admitted. I'll will crotch them, along with extra Ritalin and a throw away mobile phone (as you're not allowed mobiles in the new detoxes they use). 

Told my psyche about the fentanyl, she said she was aware as I had emailed someone. Said Wednesday's appointment was only booked as I was going to ask to be sectioned. Dr. P threatened me with being sectioned until I promised her I would look after myself and not try to kill myself.

Once the meeting was over I disposed of my sharps. Almost chucked a pin with a little b out. Dr. P was NOT impressed.

She also made me speak to my drugs Counsellor and book an appointment.

So all I've heard all day is I don't have a choice over the matter of detox, I will end up dead otherwise.

Told Dr. P I saw my medical records! That I was green Zone for ages, then nothing, then red and black Zone (black is hospital.. detox..  nut house). She asked me how I saw the records, knowing I'm clever enough to easily swipe someone's computer log in and access the system... I got in trouble in rehab for swiping the staff door codes.

I replied freedom of information act, which is the truth. 

Kinda worried if I don't go detox it will fuck up my ADHD meds. Really worried about this job more though. 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ TLDR - Brief Summary Of My Story

I went to post this on a mental health forum and then it refused to post it as I didn't have an account.

So I thought I'd post it here instead.

It summarises my life story, well the abuse and torment my family have bestowed onto me. 

Forum Post

I won't go into back ground, but my family abuse and torment me. They treat me like

I'm a teenager, although I'm 36 and own my own house.

They come into my home when they know I'm out, steal my belonging, I've found hidden CCTV in the light bulbs before, they've told my neighbours what kind a terrible terrible person I am. Why? Because I have a problem with drug addiction.

Although, addicts fail time and time again before they recover, all it took was one failed detox and mine sold a story to the most read newspaper in the UK saying what a terrible crack and heroin addict I was. 

Yes I was an addict... but I was abusing a legal high which was basically Ritalin. I have ADHD and I stopped taking my meds. 

I went detox and they put me back on meds, but put me on only half my dose of Ritalin, so when I came out I relapsed and started taking a double dose of meds one day (my normal dose) and abusing the legal high the other day.

They constantly do really cruel things to me under the guise of 'it's psychosis'. Yet they do it when I'm sober, when I've had a couple of drinks, or a couple of pulls on a spliff..: then when they have the chance to legitimately do it... e.g. When I've banged up ketamine, MDMA or have drunk a load of vodka and taken a handful of benzos, they don't.

They also tormented me when I was going through opiate and antipsychotic withdrawal. Until I pointed out people withdrawing from the above don't sleep.

I used to have a day off my Ritalin so reduce tolerance,

So often, after Sunday off, when I took it Monday (I'm on a stupidly high amount, well above the maximum dose for an adult and I've only seen one person on the internet, who was a big 6 foot, 200lb man who takes a higher dose), I wouldn't be able to sleep. So because I'm not sleeping, I must have managed to smoke away on a crack pipe all night, even though I'm constantly watched.

That's why they did it during withdrawal, because I couldn't sleep.

I was even sectioned in a mental hospital because no one believed the evil sick things they did to me.

Imagine seeing your mum or dad, in a piss poor disguise, and you break down and sob and sob for them, only to watch them walk away and pretend their not your parents.

They've stolen my gear and cut it with toxic substances and then put holes in my needles so I miss my shot. I ended up with two patches of rotting flesh on my legs due to that stupid stunt. And I've lost most my veins.

I have to get fresh needles every time I use. I know I should do this, but any needle junkie will reuse a pin they've used once.

I'll go to reuse one of my relatively fresh pins, and when I suck up water, it won't fill smoothly, but fill with bubbles.

A sign it's got a hole in it. 

I end up covered in blood having stabbed myself 30 times instead of 1.

Anyway due to their lack of privacy, to cut a long story short, I lost my job.

Now, remember, they're not watching me so don't know about my personal life, but next time I saw them, 'coincidentally' they started screaming at me that I better had not fucked up my life again as they weren't going to help me ever again.

Then one day I was sobbing on the floor and 'coincidentally' I get a text from my dad asking me to contact my drugs Counsellor.

So I put my house on the market and I stated applying for jobs the middle of July. 

Nothing...

Generally if I go for an interview I get a job offer.

I got rejection after rejection.

And no one wanted to buy my house.

I knew I had enough money with the help of my friend to last until the end of September.

When their behaviour got really nasty around the beginning of September I tried to commit suicide twice. Needless to say I've never been so disappointed to wake up.

I have to admit since then they've calmed it down a lot.

Still I wanted to die so ordered a lethal dose of fentanyl off the internet.

They tricked me into contacting my drugs Counsellor by sending a fake email from her saying she was waiting for my referral and would be in contact. They just set the display name to the same as my counsellor's name. As my phone is hacked, they also deleted it permanently before I could investigate it. Anyway, even though it was signed off incorrectly and didn't have the email signature, I still fell for it and contacted her. Naturally she informed my drug psychiatrist and the manager of the drug team. 

The psyche wanted to see me, but I didn't get her email in time. So she booked me into see the manager on Wednesday. I decided I would go and tell them they needed to section me as I was going to kill myself.

I had a house viewing at 1.30pm. My appointment was at 3pm. I really didn't want them to turn up. It's so exhausting trying to be normal when you want nothing but death. 

I sold my house at 2.15pm.

So I went to the drugs team to be assessed and explained the situation and that I no longer felt like I needed to kill myself.

Unfortunately I now am massively addicted to opiates, benzos and alcohol due to the chronic anxiety I have knowing I'm being watched all day. Every day. In every room. Yes they even watch me shit.

They wanted a long detox, as you need benzos to withdraw from alcohol and I'm addicted to them also. And opiates! That's another story! I'd probably reduce and stabilise on a low dose. 

So an emergency appointment was booked for me to see the psyche tomorrow at midday.

I switched my phone off in the appointment as it's hacked and I didn't want them listening. They've listened in to many a private session with my counsellor, key workers, psyche nurse and psychiatrist before.

When I came out I had a voicemail... it was the company I saw on Monday, offering me a job! 

I was so happy I cried and cried.

To cut a long story short, they want me to start in 1 week's time!! I desperately need to detox from at least alcohol! If I don't have a drink by 1pm I feel awful.

I'm hoping I can do a home detox from alcohol. The detoxes they use don't allow mobiles and I can't be without my mobile when I'm about to start a new job and sell my house.

maybe they'll script me a proper prescription of benzos (I buy dodgy ones from India off the internet, so the strength and quality varies and certainly

Isn't 10mg as advertised), possibly the opiates too, if I can get unsupervised quickly. Then I can reduce both. 

As far as benzos go, I don't have a clue as to how much I need as they're not real tablets.

Then maybe over xmas I can have time off to go detox and come off the benzos (and reduce the opiates).

So tomorrow I was going to kill myself. Now I get to live.

My fentanyl hasn't arrived but I have researched hanging, and I know where you need to have the knots to cut your blood supply so it's painless and over in 15 seconds. I was going to get wasted on booze and pills and then choke/hang myself.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll carry on wanting to live, or if I'll give up and kill myself.

I just wanted others to know it can get better!

The most surreal, bizarre, amazing day of my life. 27th September 2017.

TLDR - had planned to kill myself over financial worries, then I sold my house and got a job in one day.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ I HAVE AN ANGEL

Ok, so I was just waiting for my lethal dose of fentanyl and was hopefully gonna kill my self by the end of the week unless I sold my house or got a job.

So I was waiting for my viewing today. Really didn't want him to turn up. But he did... late. 

Explained new windows,'wiring, kitchen, boiler, radiators upstairs, conservatory, garden etc.

Found out he was buying to rent so said I had rented it and got £1,400 after fees. Said I wanted to go back to Devon with my friends.

He told me he liked me coz I was honest (said new bathroom needed as my tennants clearly pissed on the floor and said we did have mold until window), asked about damp and I said none. Asked about a funny patch (could have been damp) and I explained it was a blocked gutter... made me an offer on the spot! House sold.

Went drugs team to talk about detox. Switched phone off.

When I came out I had a message from the guy i saw for an interview yesterday about a job!!

House sold and I may have a job.

Can't stop crying 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 06th October 2017 - Rehab Journal

Got pissed in group and stormed out because people kept talking over me and the Counsellor didn't com back to me. Had to see her after like a naughty child.

Can't eat anything else but I can buy low cal snacks. Maybe I'll show F or S this one day, but not until I'm at least 8.7lbs (I gained a lot of weight in rehab and was completely obsessed about it the whole time, restricting and vomiting)

A's food for the weekend is crap. I'm gonna have to be sick if I eat it. I'll try save my sandwich. Would rather restrict than vomit.

LATER

Had to have my first counselling session with F. I like him it's easy to be honest. He told me being famous for being a junkie is traumatic. Told me off for being a perfectionist too.

I told him a bit about my food obsession but I didn't disclose in depth. I need to lose weight first. I'm too fat for an ED. K wanted to borrow money, others told me not to as she owes £100 (K smoked £30 of cigarettes a day, while we all had £4 a week pouches of dodgy baccy... supplied by me!). She's got pissed. She smokes fags too, wish I could afford to 40 fags a day! She's got a right attitude problem now.  

G keeps calling. I can't deal with her shit. She never asked about me and I have my own shit right now.

Counsellor noticed the clocks we had put forward to have shorter sessions. I said I must have been the batteries.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 90 Day Jane

Well I'm a little bit upset. There was a 'art' project called 90 Day Jane where this girl pretended she was going to commit Suicide in 90 days. She got loads of attention, media everything.

Her blog went mental.

I am really going to commit suicide.... I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog (mind you I should check online as I'm just on the app on my phone).

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ 04th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Feel so disgusted after yesterday, so have deciddd not to eat much today.

Thankfully lunch has onions meaning I don't want to eat it. 

Dinner is sausage and mash. Bet they use cheap sausages, so I can't eat that either.

Don't think I'll tell R***, I'm not skinny enough and she'll ruin it for me.

Can't wait for A to get her scales. Can't exercise coz no pedometer.

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

Well yet again I neglected to sleep. It's preferable over sleeping, mainly due to the fact my speed gets stolen or my pins suddenly appear to have holes in them. This prevents me from being able to flag my shots. Flagging is when you pull the plunger back upon piercing the skin and when you enter a vein, deep red blood, erupts into the syringe, signalling that it's ok to push the plunger down.

When they have been damaged, as they are not air tight, you cannot flag properly. Therefore you are liable to miss your shots.

Hence the explanation for the two deep wounds on my legs. 

However the huge patches of rotting flesh are not just the result of a missed shot. I've missed loads of shots before. The rotting flesh was due to my speed being contaminated with only God knows what.

Clearly they did no research into what they decided to cut my gear with. It rotted my flesh, causing deep holes, black and vile smelling. I've named the scars Mum and Dad. My hatred for them will last as long as these two scars deface my skin. That's forever by the way. The following day after sleeping, the concoction of speed I had in my possession has changed again and no longer had this horrible substance mixed with it.

So another restless night of torment and torture. So I took as much pleasure I could in ensuring they had no sleep before one of them went to work, whilst whoever  was on psychosis by mum and dad duty was next door in the bedroom adjacent to mine.

Although I was using my anxiety began to increase as 3pm approached. I decided to leave around midday, as psychosis by mum and dad was certainly less severe when I was outside.

The level of torture and the frequency of torment declined either outside of their or my house.

❤️ January 2014 - Journal

Dear Diary

Ok, today was a massive shock to my system. I'm fed up of Pershore Grove flying into what resembles a film set, littered with extras, starting their pre-rehearsed actions. I'm the leading lady. The normally quiet street, which rarely has traffic, now, whenever I look out the window, is constantly busy with traffic. I'm seeing familiar strangers more and more frequently. Clearly I've been elevated to a position of fame.

I like being alone, I am now never alone. I'm either in my home being tormented, or outside being followed.

Clearly they are fully aware that their actions are nothing but evil, twisted and detrimental to my addiction. 

This breaks my heart. At any point, they could have stopped, admitted they had committed a grave error, made amends, been honest and we could have worked on rebuilding the loving relationship we once had.

But opposed to that, they continued to dig their own daughter's grave, killing the girl they loved, with each shovel of dirt they remove. 

❤️ Suicide Note 2016

Dear to whom it may concern,

This isn't to anyone in my family. I use the term family loosely, as bar blood, DNA and surname, I have no family. The woman who gave birth to me has already confirmed I've been written out of their will. So mentally, I'm clearly dead to them. May as well get rid of the physical aspect of living too.

I therefore have decided to terminate my existence.

Only one person needs to be notified. N****. He's stored in my phone under N**.

My pets - please rehome. My family hate Orion as he cries and Fluffy is just an inconvenience. Family homes. Orion needs a home who can tolerate his need for attention.

Fluffy needs a home with a neutered male she can bond with.

My Estate all to P****. Either sold or items. To be saved until she's 25.

My iPad, iPhone, TV, stereo to N****.

I want to be cremated, no ceremony. No flowers. I want my ashes to be placed with Tsega's and buried. No one is to retain my ashes.

I want the UK to know the truth about my drug addiction. Legal Ritalin and I have ADHD. Even if they withhold the nasty things they do. 

I now know they will be happy, perfect family. No black sheep ruining it.

N**** - I'm sorry I chose the easy way out. But when only one person in this world cares for you, and that's not your family, life isn't worth living.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked