❤️ I HAVE AN ANGEL

Ok, so I was just waiting for my lethal dose of fentanyl and was hopefully gonna kill my self by the end of the week unless I sold my house or got a job.

So I was waiting for my viewing today. Really didn't want him to turn up. But he did... late. 

Explained new windows,'wiring, kitchen, boiler, radiators upstairs, conservatory, garden etc.

Found out he was buying to rent so said I had rented it and got £1,400 after fees. Said I wanted to go back to Devon with my friends.

He told me he liked me coz I was honest (said new bathroom needed as my tennants clearly pissed on the floor and said we did have mold until window), asked about damp and I said none. Asked about a funny patch (could have been damp) and I explained it was a blocked gutter... made me an offer on the spot! House sold.

Went drugs team to talk about detox. Switched phone off.

When I came out I had a message from the guy i saw for an interview yesterday about a job!!

House sold and I may have a job.

Can't stop crying 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 06th October 2017 - Rehab Journal

Got pissed in group and stormed out because people kept talking over me and the Counsellor didn't com back to me. Had to see her after like a naughty child.

Can't eat anything else but I can buy low cal snacks. Maybe I'll show F or S this one day, but not until I'm at least 8.7lbs (I gained a lot of weight in rehab and was completely obsessed about it the whole time, restricting and vomiting)

A's food for the weekend is crap. I'm gonna have to be sick if I eat it. I'll try save my sandwich. Would rather restrict than vomit.

LATER

Had to have my first counselling session with F. I like him it's easy to be honest. He told me being famous for being a junkie is traumatic. Told me off for being a perfectionist too.

I told him a bit about my food obsession but I didn't disclose in depth. I need to lose weight first. I'm too fat for an ED. K wanted to borrow money, others told me not to as she owes £100 (K smoked £30 of cigarettes a day, while we all had £4 a week pouches of dodgy baccy... supplied by me!). She's got pissed. She smokes fags too, wish I could afford to 40 fags a day! She's got a right attitude problem now.  

G keeps calling. I can't deal with her shit. She never asked about me and I have my own shit right now.

Counsellor noticed the clocks we had put forward to have shorter sessions. I said I must have been the batteries.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 90 Day Jane

Well I'm a little bit upset. There was a 'art' project called 90 Day Jane where this girl pretended she was going to commit Suicide in 90 days. She got loads of attention, media everything.

Her blog went mental.

I am really going to commit suicide.... I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog (mind you I should check online as I'm just on the app on my phone).

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ 04th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Feel so disgusted after yesterday, so have deciddd not to eat much today.

Thankfully lunch has onions meaning I don't want to eat it. 

Dinner is sausage and mash. Bet they use cheap sausages, so I can't eat that either.

Don't think I'll tell R***, I'm not skinny enough and she'll ruin it for me.

Can't wait for A to get her scales. Can't exercise coz no pedometer.

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

Well yet again I neglected to sleep. It's preferable over sleeping, mainly due to the fact my speed gets stolen or my pins suddenly appear to have holes in them. This prevents me from being able to flag my shots. Flagging is when you pull the plunger back upon piercing the skin and when you enter a vein, deep red blood, erupts into the syringe, signalling that it's ok to push the plunger down.

When they have been damaged, as they are not air tight, you cannot flag properly. Therefore you are liable to miss your shots.

Hence the explanation for the two deep wounds on my legs. 

However the huge patches of rotting flesh are not just the result of a missed shot. I've missed loads of shots before. The rotting flesh was due to my speed being contaminated with only God knows what.

Clearly they did no research into what they decided to cut my gear with. It rotted my flesh, causing deep holes, black and vile smelling. I've named the scars Mum and Dad. My hatred for them will last as long as these two scars deface my skin. That's forever by the way. The following day after sleeping, the concoction of speed I had in my possession has changed again and no longer had this horrible substance mixed with it.

So another restless night of torment and torture. So I took as much pleasure I could in ensuring they had no sleep before one of them went to work, whilst whoever  was on psychosis by mum and dad duty was next door in the bedroom adjacent to mine.

Although I was using my anxiety began to increase as 3pm approached. I decided to leave around midday, as psychosis by mum and dad was certainly less severe when I was outside.

The level of torture and the frequency of torment declined either outside of their or my house.

❤️ January 2014 - Journal

Dear Diary

Ok, today was a massive shock to my system. I'm fed up of Pershore Grove flying into what resembles a film set, littered with extras, starting their pre-rehearsed actions. I'm the leading lady. The normally quiet street, which rarely has traffic, now, whenever I look out the window, is constantly busy with traffic. I'm seeing familiar strangers more and more frequently. Clearly I've been elevated to a position of fame.

I like being alone, I am now never alone. I'm either in my home being tormented, or outside being followed.

Clearly they are fully aware that their actions are nothing but evil, twisted and detrimental to my addiction. 

This breaks my heart. At any point, they could have stopped, admitted they had committed a grave error, made amends, been honest and we could have worked on rebuilding the loving relationship we once had.

But opposed to that, they continued to dig their own daughter's grave, killing the girl they loved, with each shovel of dirt they remove. 

❤️ Suicide Note 2016

Dear to whom it may concern,

This isn't to anyone in my family. I use the term family loosely, as bar blood, DNA and surname, I have no family. The woman who gave birth to me has already confirmed I've been written out of their will. So mentally, I'm clearly dead to them. May as well get rid of the physical aspect of living too.

I therefore have decided to terminate my existence.

Only one person needs to be notified. N****. He's stored in my phone under N**.

My pets - please rehome. My family hate Orion as he cries and Fluffy is just an inconvenience. Family homes. Orion needs a home who can tolerate his need for attention.

Fluffy needs a home with a neutered male she can bond with.

My Estate all to P****. Either sold or items. To be saved until she's 25.

My iPad, iPhone, TV, stereo to N****.

I want to be cremated, no ceremony. No flowers. I want my ashes to be placed with Tsega's and buried. No one is to retain my ashes.

I want the UK to know the truth about my drug addiction. Legal Ritalin and I have ADHD. Even if they withhold the nasty things they do. 

I now know they will be happy, perfect family. No black sheep ruining it.

N**** - I'm sorry I chose the easy way out. But when only one person in this world cares for you, and that's not your family, life isn't worth living.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ My Medical Notes

Whilst in Springfield I asked for my complete medical history. This was advised. I thought I would go through the amount of times I was a 'Red Zone' patient and the reasons why

20/12/11 - Red Zone 

I had been breaking my 2mg buprenorphine into 1mgs so I could cut down 

29/12/11 - Green Zone

No problems 

13/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

24/02/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

23/03/12 - Green Zone

No problems

04/05/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

06/06/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

12/12/12 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/01/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

01/02/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

17/05/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

11/06/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/07/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

09/08/13 - Green Zone

No problems 

21/11/14 - Black Zone

In hospital. Detox 

05/12/14 - Red Zone 

Concern as I was released from detox and I left early 

12/12/14 - Red Zone

Arrived stoned and had been smoking crack after detox 

16/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment 

29/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

30/12/14 - Red Zone

Missed appointment

 02/01/15 - Red Zone

Restart on buprenorphine. Admitted to hospital because of finger infection

09/01/15 - Red Zone

Suicidal intention, talking about bugs (I did have scabies. I had wounds that wouldn't heal, tracks from where they dug into me and felt bites. I think this went after hospital when I had antibiotics. However the high use of amphetamines and lack of sleep magnified this problem. I'd see swirls of what appeared to be insects everywhere.... the only scary thing about this is.... I have seen the swirls once.. when I had been completely sober for months!! I opened my window and they seemed to leave the room and go outside... you know when you stare at the carpet and let you eyes not focus... those little specks you see darting around... anyway seeing them sober was fucking freaky. When I was injecting speed I can tell you one thing, they didn't fucking like it!! I would see swarms coming towards me and get covered in bites every time I banged up. I almost crashed my car several times due to these swarms.... but I don't know. I hope they are purely drug induced).

12/01/15 - Red Zone

Self harm and 'psychosis'

19/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

20/01/15 - Black Zone

In hospital with finger infection 

23/01/15 - Green Zone

I'm confused about this one. Tested only for buprenorphine and cannabis and was less psychotic

30/01/15 - Amber Zone

My cat needed to be put to sleep 

03/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent them an email after I overdosed and had a seizure in a pub toilet and was taken by ambulance to A&E

06/02/15 - Red Zone

Sent MDART videos of the 'bugs'. Didn't attend appointment. When I did attend I asked for detox again. Had suicidal intentions.

09/02/15 - Red Zone

Couldn't get hold of me, my cat was being put to sleep today. They wanted me to go A&E for a psyche asseasment for my 'bugs'. Home treatment team tried to visit me at my parents but I wasn't their. Apparently no female beds which is why I wasn't sectioned this day. Still taking about bugs. 

10/09/15 - Red Zone

I sent emails about not wanting to be detained stating I was not mad.

13/02/15 - Red Zone 

Now avoiding MDART, would only collect my script in the car park 

27/02/15 - Black Zone

Back in detox 

13/03/15 - Red Zone

Discharged from detox after they stopped my ritalin.

20/03/15 - Red Zone

After my overdose in hopsital, police are now instructed to section me. I left the hospital because I couldn't get my buprenorphine 

24/03/15 - Red Zone

Now on Sutton Police's Missing Persons Register for walking out of hospital. Told them I was ok and they told MDART I wasn't detainable, when my doctor notes, all in caps lock I HAVE ALREADY BEEN DETAINED. They confirmed I collected my script 

27/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed three days of my script, therefore it was stopped. Police have now been informed. Key Worker emails me as they cannot contact me 

31/03/15 - Red Zone

Missed script. Worried I would be using b and likely to overdose 

02/04/17 - Red Zone

Admitted to Springfield 

03/04/15 - Red Zone

In Springfield 

04/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of mental issues. Mentioned I was with my boyfriend. In fact he brought speed and fresh works in for me 

05/04/15 - Amber Zone

Again although I'm still abusing speed there's no comments which would suggest this

06/04/15 - Amber Zone

No evidence of psychosis. Boyfriend visited (bringing me more speed). Refused to see parents 

07/04/15 - Amber Zone

Noted I go to sleep late and wake up late. That's due to the speed and benzos I was taking in there. I also had weed and would smoke a nightly spliff when the others had gone to bed (bar the one sane guy who would sometimes share the spliff with me). Noted I would commit suicide upon discharge (I wish I did!!)

07/04/15 - Black Zone

In hospital 

08/04/15 - Amber Zone

Sleepy and anxious 

Total 

Green Zone - 14

Red Zone - 21

Black Zone - 4

Amber Zone - 6

❤️ 2006 - Tarot Reading

Your boyfriend is doing your head in! You're together but not together in your heart. He's going to be asking you for a lot. Socialising wanting to see you you're going to be on his mind. You have to be true and make a choice as to whether you want to be with him (the very next day my ex contacted me after about 10 months of being separated) 

Money is really important in the next year. I have to think about what I want I haven't found what I'm looking for. I have to think about what I want to do. I am in a lot of cash in my life but money is short for me.

New car is a good purchase. Keep it locked (this was my first car with remote locking, so easy to forget to lock it). You've received the three of swords which is bye-bye so be careful.

Family member is not well it's all okay even though it's not over and done with (mum diagnosed with cancer shortly before this)

Change of residence (just bought flat). It's lovely I will have lots of company entertaining a lot.  Children adults family. It's a happy home. I have to have patience for my home and finish one room at a time.

Geminis tend to flit and not finish one thing before starting your next.

Saying Clapham Common (a few months later i started working there). Maybe you'll meet someone as I spend a lot of time there.

See a sister a close friend with dark hair. There's a surprise for her and end of an Eire she has to choose where she's going but could we work or men but it's good outcome.

Family card my father arguing try to keep quiet I want a good relationship I can have it. 

Do I work in the media (TV extra at time). Very strong media connection I will meet lovely people I'm an extrovert extra work and is £100 per day but this shows more a lot of cash could be an agent or director this will be really good (got speaking part shortly after earning £250 for 20 mins).

Strong female on the other side like mother could be a grandmother she'll be there for me if I have a problem talk to her.

I must eat well.

I have a good sense of humour but sometimes men don't see that it comes across snooty but I'm not. This isn't bad as my man is the same, whoever I marry isn't around me now. I will know straightaway he is the one. We will be connected he will work in the media but behind-the-scenes he will come to me not me to him.

❤️ 2006 - Angel Cards

Quiet time need to look at myself. Need to realise what I want to do, who I want to be with. I have to be strong and stand my ground.

Learn to say no don't let people walk all over me! If I do this I will have a quiet time don't be soft.