❤️ 10th September 2017 - Journal

Well on Friday we finished up the coke I had ordered and N purchased more, as well as some MDMA. We banged up the coke (with N clearly saving himself some extra for later... as he banged up MD and we never bang up MD, we do it rectally).

Anyway I wa finally out of sleeping tablets, son naturally had rebound insomnia. The next day after MD you generally feel like shit. Add no sleep and I felt horrendous. 

I saw my fathers work van around 4.30pm after all my viewings (which I'm sure went terrible due to my exhaustion and the house not being perfect), and I finally crashed on the sofa.

When I woke later I was clearly not being watched, so they obviously buggered off. The extension on the Asian family's house had the light off too, which is where I expect they hide out. 

Anyway, got some sleepers and had a great nights sleep. 

Woke up this morning and noticed I was achy... and no matter how much Ritalin I took, I couldn't wake up. Stayed crashed on the sofa.. then at 2pm I remembered I only took 2mgs of subbie yesterday rather than 4mgs (we have banged up b recently, so my tolerance is high again). Noticed I was gettting hot sweats too... so went and took some.

I'm awake now! Yay! 

But most of the day has been wasted... we needed to go shopping. 

I hate the way opiate withdrawal manifests so differently from day to day. It never starts the same. You might get the shits one day, anxiety the next and like today, you might just feel tired.

I would be on a lower amount if it wasn't for all the anxiety my family cause. I know I end up taking more because my anxiety and I assume I need it.

Although last week was bad drugs wise, I wasn't abused too much. Bar them making me and Nie paranoid, I was generally left alone. 

Fingers crossed I can get one of those jobs. Then I can move to a new property in the commuter belt around London.

Otherwise role on my shares being sold and the money in my account. 

Right, I need to go... must get ready and go bleeding shopping.

Jay x

❤️ 04th September 2017 - 09th September 2017 - Journal

Last week was bad! We used every day Monday to Friday. N brought crack home Monday and Tuesday, I bought coke Wednesday and then Thursday both the gram I ordered to N’s and and replacement half a gram (which was sent here! Fucking lucky to get it!!) arrived.

I think the only reason the half arrived here is the bloke on Dream Market said he would resend and I replied saying to send it to N’s address. He clearly had sent it before I sent that message. So my family, expecting it at N’s, didn't intercept my post here.

I also had 3 job interviews... if I don't get one, surely I'm famous again and everyone knows I'm a drug abuser. I definitely got that feeling in my last interview on Thursday.

I'm gutted. That means there's no other option other than moving to Plymouth. I can't start again in London. That's been taken away from me.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason. 

Famous J x

❤️ 31st August 2017 - Journal

Well today was truly a day from hell. Ordered some mephedrone just to try it. Well it certainly wasn't as good as the reviews. 

It was supposed to be an amazing mix of a long lasting  

cocaine and ecstasy.

It was nothing but speed.

And then my parents started their fun and games. And what makes this really sad, is N started doing things to make it all worse. I kept locking the doors and windows. Then I'd find the door open but pushed closed so it didn't look like it was open, but looked like it was shut. Then I found him in the bedroom with my big window open. Then when I suggested we stayed in in the front room, he stopped by the kitchen and made a face which appeared to be a person. We went out for a fag and I starts to started walk. He was insistent on going petrol station and when I agreed he immediately went to pull out this mobile, to wha I assume was to text someone. At the petrol he went over to some car and that I It..,. I bolted.

During the day we saw about 7 people in Power Ranger costumes which were shiny gold. I saw a black dude and said 'yes black dude!'and he fist pumped me back. Then there was the yellow 'alien type people in costumes who stool beneath some yellow leaves in my view. Ran upstairs and they had vanished. The extent my family have gone to, to make me feel I'm mad, destroys me. I never get this anywhere but their house and my house, plus the surrounding areas. I've banged up 10 times what I used last night in other areas and I've had NO psychosis. 

Then last night I ran off crying and say loads of people with lights. I made sure I told them the truth.!

❤️ 30th August 2017 - Journal

Ok, so my mephedrone arrived and me and N banged it up. It was ok.... until about midnight - 1am.

Then it switched.

All of a sudden I felt my parents playing 'let's pretend to get Jay sectioned again. This is my biggest fear and I would definitely overdose if I was forced to go back into a mental hospital

What made it worse was N started playing along with this stupid games.

Hey shut my front door so it looked as though it was closed and locked with the ironing board placed in front of it to stop any intruders coming in, however the two had not even been shut, so could be pushed open from the outside. Also the back door is open and my bedroom window wide open also in the back doors open and my bedroom window wide open.

I asked him to get my charger and clearly he wanted me upstairs because I'm lazy and I didn't want to go so he went upstairs and glanced in the kitchen before he went upstairs to see if he was giving someone a look

And that's all I can say means to an end I can do I needed to get from him online so when I've moved doesn't really matter

❤️ 27th August 2017 - Journal

It was my dad's birthday on the 24th August.

Normally I am invited out for the celebrations.

Needless to say there's been no invite my way.

And it now make sense as to why I had 2 hours peace on the 22nd.

Clearly my brother must have been working nights on the 24th, so they had a nice family dinner on the 22nd. Of course when I say family, that means without me. 

❤️ 25th August 2017 - Journal

Well it's like it's 1987 where I live... I have two postal deliveries.

Unfortunately mine aren't both from the Royal Mail.

One is legit and the second is my family replacing the post they have previously stolen.

So my veneers from China, which arrived in a brown padded envelope, just like my drug deliveries, arrived later.

Haha! Cunts!! They're watching me so they know I am not getting my drugs delivered elsewhere.

Had an offer of £320,000 on the house. I'm after £325,000. The estate agent told the person £330,000, but I messaged them to say I'd accept £325,000 so they hopefully make the offer.

My mate in Plymouth is up for house hunting with me. She needs a room to rent, so I have a housemate already. The £300 from the DSS will come in handy. And she's a nice girl.

Yesterday I spent the day distracting myself. I'm only writing this now coz I'm on coke. 

I spent hours playing a game.

I can't deal with thinking.

I hurt too much. 

On a plus note, I have around 90 zopiclone, are 15 diazepam, 60 propranolol and about 24mg of buprenorphine. Enough to OD.

❤️ 23rd August 2017 - Journal

Last night there was 1-2 hours where I was watching some boring documentaries. I was drinking some wine and I had ordered Chinese food which I was sharing with Orion... 

Then I realised....

There was no whispering, no reaction to my actions, no reading my mobile phone screen....

I wasn't being WATCHED!!

I burst into tear and sobbed and sobbed. Proper crying. I felt soooo happy and soooo normal.

It was so nice. But of course I've stupidly said this in my house... so no doubt I won't get another moment like that.

They probably all went out without me or something. Even though I've been saying what they're doing doesn't work. It makes me use more. So why not try something different and see if that changes the frequency of me using.

God bless those precious fleeting hours.

On another note, on Monday night I saw Tsega, my dead cat. I was sat in the front room alone and I got up to the kitchen. When I glanced back at the sofa I saw him lying right next to where I was sitting!!! He looked like the fat, healthy chunk of a cat he used to be. This is not how I remember him. I even glanced at the photo next to the sofa and made sure the image I saw wasn't a replica of one of the photos.

It wasn't.

It's the first time I've seen my boy since he was PTS. And now my last memory of him is not his cold, lifeless body in a cat carry case. 

When your life is so desperately miserable, it's little moments like these which keep me going.

❤️ 04th July 2017 - Journal

Well I saw the fuckers trying to leave last night at 1 AM. Orion escaped so I had to leave the window or door open. Which meant they couldn't leave. Haha fuckers!!

Should the press all the police investigate my murder, that you were in Pipewell Road. The first house on the street on the right hand side when you look from my house. Now their actions have resulted in my death, this is the murder case. I highly doubt Tom Dick or Harry is going to live for them now.

OMG! I've taken Adderall. I feel so normal. Last night I took four Propranolol. I was wrecked today. The Adderall hasn't given me any energy or motivation. But I am so serene. My head is deafly still and quiet. I have no anxiety. It's amazing. I know the Adderall isn't real either. I have no speedy effects whatsoever I'm just calm.

❤️ How It All Went Wrong (Thanks To My Family)

1) Their constant surveillance made my ADHD worse and made me miserable. So naturally I wanted to use drugs to self medicate.

2) They also stalked me when I was sober and clean, to made me want to use it to give them something to fucking watch.

3) I have seen them previously put little speakers under my floorboards from next door's house. I am now dead due to murder my neighbours should be able to confirm this. This gives the impression that somebody else is in the house whispering.

4) Although I ignore this it's still effects N badly. My parents know that N sorts me drugs. However, he fancies me and the response lead him to believe I am hiding man in the house.

5) Queue massive arguments. N is no longer talking to me and won't get any drugs.

6) So I set up a bit coin account and purchase from Silk Road 

7) As i'm under constant surveillance and my phone is hacked to I'm aware they know about my order. So I don't get it delivered to my address. They also frequently enter my property without permission and deny this. I have intercepted my post before. So are used my work address.

8) My Manager opens my post

BLAM

GAME OVER

❤️ Game Over

As you are aware I've fucked up my life, so it's game over.  If you're reading this I can only assume I've been successful with regards to suicide. Yay! I'm dead!

This blog will contain my thoughts, feelings,  my suicide letters, documented abuse and information from previous diaries and memories.

This blog also document what I want to be done with my stuff.

For starters, I want the world to know, I am tired of their games. So tired I saw no other way out, other than death. They know this but they still carried on. I felt pity for a school boy who committed suicide after relentless bullying. Then I realised what I'm going through is worse. Not only am I relentlessly bullied, but it is also the people who should give me solace from behaviour like that. 

Not only am I tired, but there is no respite. it was inevitable it would go this way. I can only assume they want me dead, Else why did you keep pushing me away. You pushed me when I was in opiate withdrawal, olanzapine withdrawal, when I'm sober after rehab. Is it any wonder I returned to drugs?

You made me miserable... so Iused.

You gave me anxiety... so I used.

You made my ADHD worse... so used.

You stopped me sleeping... so I used.

You made me paranoid... so I used.

You made me scared of you and my own home... so I used.

I don't actually like HAVING to use. I like wanting to use. You made me do the former.

If you just left me alone I'd still be here.

So goodbye. I hope you're happy. I am. I finally know the truth and I never have to see you again. Because you're all going to hell for what you've done.